A letter to daughters who are beginning middle school
It would be so convenient if you could learn from my experiences. I’d tell you what I know, and you’d avoid the pitfalls of my youth! But, in reality, you get bored and irritated when I lecture you about my long-ago self. And that presents me with something of a parenting challenge.
So, as you start middle school this week, I’d like to impart a little wisdom by writing to you in VERY GENERAL TERMS. Here goes.
SOME PEOPLE had a difficult time in middle school, socially speaking. SOME PEOPLE had skinny ankles and worried that their hair might be grody to the max. And, SOME PEOPLE secretly suspected that they looked stupid in parachute pants.
Fortunately for these people—and I’m not naming any names—everything worked out fine in the end (except maybe the pants). There was a wonderful life after middle school that included romance and travel and craziness and gratitude. In short, SOME PEOPLE made it out alive. And, if they could offer advice to guide you through the next three years, it would probably be the following:
1) Don’t waste a lot of time and product on your hair. Your hair looks great. Seriously. In fact, the whole you is gorgeous. And it’s not just because you’re loved. And it’s not just because all of earth’s creatures are beautiful, and yadda yadda. It’s because you’re young and you still have your eyebrows. So step away from the mirror and go do something fun.
2) The people who say you’re not beautiful are lying. Middle school is a time when kids try to figure out who they are. Some of them do this by acting and speaking cruelly. If you give your father their names and addresses, he will hunt them down.
3) You will be one of those middle school kids asking, “Who am I?” You don’t want to find out that the answer is, “Someone who’s mean to other kids.” So, be kind to everyone, no matter what.
4) Be especially kind to the smart boys. It’s true—boys are everywhere, and they look so cute, and they smell so good. And maybe the brainy ones—the guys who spend all their time studying Vulcan—don’t stand out for you right now. But someday, those guys will actually know how to speak Vulcan. And program computers. And cure diseases. And write books. And that is interesting stuff. So, you might as well stay in their good graces.
5) If the school library has a copy of Judy Blume’s book Forever, don’t check it out. Tell your mother about it, and she will check it out. And then she will set it on fire. (After she’s read pages 22 and 74 one last time.)
SOME PEOPLE started fretting about your first day of middle school the moment you were born. (You did have really big feet for a baby, so there was a concern about future nicknames.)
SOME PEOPLE are impressed that you’re handling this transition with cheerful confidence and grace.
SOME PEOPLE love you so desperately that they would carry your burdens for you if they could. But, since they cannot, they offer this letter as a talisman against future heartache.
Always, Mom
P.S. It’s me. I’m the one who loves you.
P.P.S. Don’t even bother rolling your eyes at this point. I invented that move in 1983, and I will not have it used against me.
Comments
aacitizen
Wed, Sep 16, 2009 : 5:46 p.m.
Heather-great letter. In regards to the comment from Citrus both of you have valid points. I think it is good to promote the "make good decisions on friends, girls and boys - watch how they treat others because that is how they will treat you". Understand that it takes time to learn about friends - be with those who enjoy being with you...
Heather Heath Chapman
Tue, Sep 15, 2009 : 5:28 p.m.
Too late, Scott. Sorry.
Scott Beal
Tue, Sep 15, 2009 : 2:21 p.m.
Mental note: must check out "Forever" and read p.22 and p.74 before Heather burns it.
Heather Heath Chapman
Tue, Sep 15, 2009 : 9:52 a.m.
Excellent points, BBB3. I have tended to approach the middle school years with trepidation, while my daughter is all flustered excitement. She has been helping *me* to enjoy the journey! Also, I've been impressed with her teachers so far. They've been welcoming and accessible and seem to put the kids at ease right away. We'll be talking about "gathering education from all who impact you" tonight at the dinner table. Thanks for your comments.
bbb3
Tue, Sep 15, 2009 : 9:28 a.m.
Hi again HC, I think you spoke to and for all parents in this piece Ms.Chapman and from a teacher and middle school principal standpoint I couldn't agree with you more. I would add one other point for the entering middle schooler to think about. A school is a building...an education is a journey. Enjoy the journey!!! Some of those folks on the other side of that teacher and counselor and principal desk are really concerned about the total you...not just the you that can remember facts for tests. Gather your education from all who impact you in a positive manner and accept them as role models for the future "YOU". Learn also from all who impact you in a negative way and remember that you never want to be like them in the present or future. BBB3
Heather Heath Chapman
Sun, Sep 13, 2009 : 2:02 p.m.
Thanks for your comment, Citrus. In this piece, I tried to address the social issues that are mystifying my daughter these days--i.e., boys boys boys. Like many of the smart GIRLS who are her friends, she's fairly cocky about her talents and academic abilities. Boys are still baffling to her, though, and since it's a subject that's important to her right now (along with hair and pants), I wanted to touch upon it. I don't think I alluded to "loner-geeks." I meant "smart boys" as shorthand in pointing out alternatives to those Disney Channel stars--the ones with the Prince Valliant haircuts. That is to say, boys don't have to be flashy to be crushworthy. But, if I'm guilty of stereotyping, it's only in the fondest way--a shout-out to the crowd I belonged to and loved during my own teen years.
citrus
Sun, Sep 13, 2009 : 8:40 a.m.
Funny and touching. But you know, before giving to my daughter I would change #4 to "Be nice to the smart boys AND GIRLS." The means by which intelligence is squelched in middle school girls are many. Some are subtle--such as the implications that it's smart *men* who do interesting things and that it's the *men* whose good side you need to be on if you ever want to, umm, smell their cuteness. If more people stopped sterotyping intelligent kids as trekkies and loner-geeks, girls would perhaps be more likely to value their abilities instead of their hair and pants. Obvious maybe, unless you are 10.
KirQ
Sat, Sep 12, 2009 : 7:55 p.m.
Beautiful. You may want to store this away in case your daughter is having trouble coming up with a way to honor you and your relationship at her Rehearsal Dinner. Though she's likely her mother's daughter and will have no difficulty voicing the perfect sentiment.
Pam Stout
Fri, Sep 11, 2009 : 4:56 p.m.
I love the parts about smart boys and pp. 22 and 74 in Forever. I think I remember suddenly thinking the smart boys turned cuter Junior year of high school--until then, the bad boys were more attractive somehow. My second son starts middle school this year, and somehow they seem to be adjusting much better than I did. Hopefully that will be the same for your girl. Great post!
Ann Arbor mom
Fri, Sep 11, 2009 : 4:47 p.m.
Oh, my. What a lovely ode. You speak for me (but I had painter's pants.) Your daughter will appreciate this some day - maybe not tomorrow and, well, maybe not until she's 25, but she will. I promise.
lero22
Fri, Sep 11, 2009 : 3:27 p.m.
SOBBING - sobbing my eyes out and I am four years shy of this important milestone. When my time comes your words and wisdom will be there dear friend. Thank you for paving the way, honestly, thoughtfully and humorously.