Man fears woman's divorce is triggered by childhood crush
One of my sister's best friends, "Tara," has had a crush on me since we were kids. She's 21 and I'm 25. My sister always knew about it, but never told me. I had a crush on Tara, too, but I was too shy to tell her.
I moved out of state when I turned 18, but Tara still lives there. She and my sister keep in touch. Now that I'm back in town, Tara has been coming to visit me. We have no physical contact, only verbal. During one of the visits she confessed her crush and so did I.
The trouble is, Tara got married a year ago and has a 2-month-old baby with her husband. She says she hasn't been happy in her marriage and has filed for a divorce. We want to be together, but want to wait for the divorce to be final before starting a relationship.
I suspect that she's only divorcing her husband to be with me. Am I being too quick to judge? Is it a bad idea to be with her? Should we just remain good friends? I need a woman's opinion. -- UNCERTAIN IN TEXAS
If you and Tara are serious about not starting a relationship until her divorce is final, then the answers to your questions will become apparent during that process. But please remember, ending her marriage will probably not cause her husband to vanish into the ether. Because he's the father of her baby, he will be part of your lives forever.
My husband, "Simon," is a workaholic. I didn't know him long before I married him, which was a mistake. He never adapted to being part of a couple. His rewards all came from work -- the paychecks, kudos from clients and fellow employees, and others saying what a good provider he was. He bought our kids' love with presents, not presence.
He was gone at dawn, came home after the kids were in bed, volunteered to work on his "off" days and usually stayed later than scheduled. He kept busy with everyone and everything except us. I raised our children alone and worked outside the home as well. I took them to their sports events, extra activities and to the synagogue. We didn't need the "extra" money, but he was never satisfied, always wanting more. I was faithful to a ghost, living alone and crying for too long. After 30 years I realized I didn't miss him anymore. He had broken my heart and fractured my dreams.
It's too late for me to start again and find love. Abby, tell young wives to trust their hearts and priorities. They deserve warmth, not cold cash. -- ALONE NOW BY CHOICE IN PENNSYLVANIA
What a sad story. You married someone who may have had such an overwhelming fear of poverty that he sacrificed the joys of family for financial security. While you may not have had romance, I'm sure you have earned the love of your children. Allow yourself to enjoy what your husband has accumulated.
And if you've had enough of solitude, consider this: It's never too late to find love. People of every age do it every day, but first you need to find it within yourself. Unless you do, your bitterness will spill over onto every relationship you have.
TO MY IRISH READERS:
"May the most you wish for
"be the least you get.
"May the best times you've ever had
"be the worst you will ever see."
Happy St. Patrick's Day! -- LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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