One of the more fascinating Bible stories to me is one where God’s people build a golden calf to worship in His absence. It speaks to both the what have you done for me lately? trap, and the power of that woefully underutilized communication skill called silence.

Surely we all remember the book of Exodus, with plagues brought down upon Pharaoh, Moses’ parting of the sea, and water from a rock. God provided consistently and abundantly.

Then there were forty days and forty nights of no communication, as God took Moses aside for private instruction. That’s all it took for the Israelites to quickly turn from His commands at Exodus 32:1 and following.

Oh, my—.

It’s truly ironic that so many financial investments are required to disclaim that past performance should not be relied upon for future expectations, because it appears almost human nature to readily dismiss what didn’t work for us last time with our spouses when approaching them for round two, next time.

Not everyone, of course. But it seems the case quite often among the couples that come to my door en route to divorce. Sometimes it’s the spouse who rationalizes having strayed because the other wasn’t there. Sometimes it’s the parent who buys into the cliché that “quality” time doesn’t require all that much, um, time.

Thus “silence” is such a big deal that merely contemplating the idea of non-expansiveness in talk can be unnerving to some.

Consider the advice I offered along just such a line here on AnnArbor.com last month. The two online public responses are tamer reflections of a much stronger feedback barrage I received via eMail. How dare I validate any disinclination toward however-long dialogues about anything and everything between co-parents?

(Rest assured, I promptly acknowledged and substantively replied to each message as it hit my desktop.)

No one reading this is surprised by any of the above so far, right? I mean, it just goes to support the argument made by many that “communication” is a root causes of divorce.
So the real alert here is the degree to which people in general, and divorcing spouses in particular, will fail to appreciate just how valuable remaining silent can be to their own self-interests.

If the apparent absence of visible interface with God as described in Exodus was enough for His people to feel and act toward detachment from Him, it’s not hard to see how a more constructive approach to such separations can help unhook marital partners moving through the divorce process. I’ve also seen it help reduced litigation costs. And in many cases, keeping your mouth shut despite the emotional torrent of domestic discord will avoid landing your rear-end in jail.

It’s a heartbreaking irony.

The very same husbands and wives whose deafening silence serves to undermine God’s intent for marital intimacy are often the same former spouses who seem most desperate to exploit every chance they can make to talk after their Judgment of Divorce has been entered.

Dell Deaton is a Christian counselor specializing in divorce (and alternatives), available through independent professional practice since 1983. Contact on www.divorcepastor.com or by phone at 734-668-2001 in Saline.

Local volunteer with the Boy Scouts of America. Dad, remarried, three dogs. Internationally-recognized expert on Ian Fleming and James Bond watches.

Note: Names and other identifying details are always changed for Divorce Pastor columns to respect, protect privacy.