Woman deep in love triangle has trouble thinking straight
I am a 31-year-old, never-married mother of two. Last summer I started having an affair with "Jordan," the father of my first child. He left me when our daughter was a year old and has been engaged for three years in an on-again, off-again relationship.
I could give you excuses about why the affair started up again, but the truth is we both knew it was wrong and continued to do it anyway. I never stopped loving him and I thought it would bring him back to me.
Today I found out from Jordan's fiancee that they have set their wedding date for next spring. She said they would like for me to come. As if it wouldn't be painful enough to go to the wedding, his fiancee has also asked me to do her hair for the occasion. (I'm a hairstylist.)
Abby, Jordan and I are still having an affair. I want to tell her, but I don't want him to hate me. I believe this wedding is a big mistake for many reasons, not just the obvious. Please give me some outside advice. -- CAN'T HELP MYSELF IN OHIO
DEAR CAN'T HELP YOURSELF:
OK, the first thing to do is wake up, smell the coffee and accept that resuming the sexual relationship with Jordan has not had the desired effect. He will be marrying someone else.
Next, concentrate on saving yourself and waste no more of your time on him -- that is, if you would like a permanent, monogamous relationship with someone. Jordan has given you ample proof that he is incapable of being faithful to one woman.
And last, tell his fiancee that you do not plan to attend the wedding or do her hair because you are in love with Jordan and have been sleeping with him since last summer.
I have known my husband for seven years and I love him very much, but I am no longer "in love" with him. Somehow along the way the spark has fizzled.
We have a wonderful family and have been through so much together. I don't want a divorce. I want to make our marriage work, and so does he. So how do I get my spark back? -- SPARKLESS IN TEXAS
That you and your husband want your marriage to work means it is capable of being resuscitated. While you didn't give any details, it is possible that you have been "through so much" that it didn't allow you to concentrate on each other. Exhaustion and distraction can cause a spark to fizzle.
A way to reignite it would be to spend more time alone together, participate in activities you both enjoy, and make time on a regular basis to talk, relax and touch each other. And if necessary, enlist the services of a licensed marriage counselor.
My sister relinquished custody of her kids in a divorce 30 years ago. I recently made contact with them to re-establish lost ties. The contact I made with the daughter has been a wonderful success. The other resulted in complete -- and understandable -- rejection.
Now my sister, who didn't want to open the door, blames me for her heartache because her son rejected her. Was I wrong for bringing at least one of them back into the family? -- SISTER IN THE SOUTH
Because you did it over your sister's objections, I think you were. While the daughter seems interested in establishing contact -- at least for now -- your sister has now "lost" her son twice. And if the daughter eventually backs off, your sister will be zero for two.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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