The Bomber Breakfast untouched.

John Moors | Contributor

On February 21st, 2009 I attempted the Bomber Breakfast at the Bomber Restaurant in Ypsilanti for the first time and failed miserably. It was an embarrassing moment for me. The waitresses laughed at me, and the bus boy made me bus my own table. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, customers began throwing eggs at my car. I required many hours of intense therapy to get over the pain and three car washes to clean the eggs off. I left knowing that there would be a time where I would reclaim my dignity.

After my rehabilitation period, I began training for the moment when I was ready to go back and prove to these people that I am not the “skinny little wuss” that they claimed I was. That breakfast could fit in my stomach. I just went about it wrong! I should have eaten the hash browns first! With this in mind, I decided to go full Rocky 4 style and travel to Russia for some old school training. This included jumping rope, running through the snow, doing sit-ups in a barn, and other activities that don’t involve performance enhancing drugs or running on a treadmill on a ridiculous incline.

With my mind, body and spirit in the right place I returned to the Bomber to reclaim my self respect. I ordered my breakfast and the waitress brought it to me with a giant smirk on her face. Little did she know, I was about to blow her mind.

If you not familiar with the bomber breakfast, it is one pound of hash browns, ten strips of bacon, four eggs, and two slices of toast. You can get the same amount of meat in the form of sausage links or ham, but when bacon is offered is there really any other option?

My plan going in was to smother the hash browns with ketchup and Frank’s Red Hot so they would go down easier. The first time I attempted this I ate the bacon first then moved onto the hash browns. This ended up being a terrible idea. The real challenge of getting through this breakfast is the hash browns. The taste gets old real fast and your stomach becomes full if you don’t get them down fast enough. My plan worked beautifully, and the potatoes were gone from the plate within five minutes. It was a moral victory me just to get those things down.

With the hash browns gone, victory was in sight.

John Moors | Contributor

After getting through the hash browns, it was all downhill from there. Bacon and eggs cooked over easy are two of my favorite things in the entire world, so this wasn’t even much of a challenge anymore. The bacon was a little crispy, but it went down fast. No problems here. I did see the waitress walk by a few times with a worried look on her face.

One pound of hash browns and ten strips of bacon gone. Just four eggs to go.

John Moors | Contributor

With the bacon and hash browns gone, victory was in sight. All I had to do was smash through four eggs and a couple pieces of toast. I considered this more of a victory lap than a final stretch. Besides being my usual preferred choice, over easy eggs are the way to go if you’re going to attempt the Bomber Breakfast. Scrambled eggs solidify the yolks making them harder to consume after eating a pound of hash browns and ten strips of bacon. Over easy eggs take up less room in your stomach and are just much more delicious, if you ask me. I broke the yolks with my first two pieces of toast and used the dip method, ate the whites with my fork, then cleaned the plate with my final two pieces of toast. Victory was mine.

Jonn is my name, but some call me Victory.

John Moors | Contributor

If you will notice, I decided to devour that stupid orange garnish just to prove a point. After finishing, I threw my plate across the restaurant and walked out without paying my bill. Who’s laughing now?

I would like to point out that everything written above is false. No one made any ill comments towards me, threw eggs at my car, or made any faces at me. I also did not travel to Russia. I did, however, destroy the Bomber Breakfast and the orange that came with it.

If you think you are game to finish the Bomber Breakfast or already have, let yourself be heard by leaving a comment. If you believe your eating skills are far superior to mine, shoot me a line and we will have ourselves a good old fashioned eat off. Until then, I declare myself eating champion of the Ypsilanti/Ann Arbor area.

John Moors is single handedly raising national obesity levels and documenting it on his blog at EpicPortions.com. Challenge him or just say hello by e-mail at john@epicportions.com, or follow him on Twitter @EpicPortions.