Dear Kerry,
I’m having a disagreement with my husband about our teenage son, Dan. He says that he is worried about Dan’s surliness and silences, but I think it’s just teenage rebellion and hormones. Don’t all teenagers go through this? And come out the other side okay?
-JG, Canton

Dear JG,
You’re raising the constant set of questions I think we all ask as parents. Is my kid okay? Is this normal or should I worry about it? Is it a small worry or serious? How can I tell? With teenagers, the puzzle is even tougher because there are so many stereotypes about what to expect, and because the pitfalls involve real dangers, like drugs and delinquency.

I’m also glad to hear that you and your husband are talking about the different ways you see Dan. That’s a crucial first step for parents toward answering some of those questions. You are sharing and pooling your observations, your feelings and your reactions, creating the raw data out of which some direction can be taken.

Maybe you can each start by getting more specific. When does your husband see Dan as surly or silent? How often? Then he might talk about what concerns him about those moments. Similarly, you might describe more concretely what you see in other youngsters that is like and unlike Dan, and what your ideas are from your own experience growing up.

Part of what complicates the situation is the bad image teenagers have in our culture. And it’s largely an undeserved image. Study after study over the past 30 years has demonstrated that the majority of adolescents are pretty solid citizens - they keep themselves safe, they do their schoolwork, most of them have jobs and friends and hobbies, and so on. So why do we keep assuming that they are impossible and rebellious? Why do we make them think they are supposed to be? I have known kids and parents who got worried because they weren’t acting up and making trouble!

One source of this powerful stereotype is exaggeration in books and movies, and descriptions of troubled adolescents. It’s as if we have taken the profile of dysfunctional adolescence and turned it into the norm. This causes problems in both directions - ordinary kids feel pressure to be far out, and kids who really do have troubles may slide under the radar and go without help, because their problems are dismissed as ‘just teenage stuff.’

The challenge posed by young people, however, is not a new phenomenon. On the site of the biblical city of Ur, a four-thousand-year-old tablet was discovered with the following inscription carved on it: "Our civilization is doomed if the unheard of actions of our younger generations are allowed to continue." I think this is about something different, which is all too easily confused with adolescent angst and rebellion. This is where you and your husband may make an important distinction about Dan, which will help you decide how best to support his forward development.

Teenagers are busy designing their adult personalities. They look around, with their increasingly realistic perceptions, and question what they see. They want to know where adults are coming from and why we think what we think. Teens give us the incredible opportunity to rethink our own positions, be open to new ideas and push ourselves to define our values. If we are arbitrary or dogmatic, unwilling to really listen to young people’s ideas, opinions and questions, we will shut them up and turn them away.

So Dan’s silence could be a signal that he isn’t sure you are willing to listen to him with an open mind. That might come from your own style or it might be a mistaken idea on his part. The only way to test it out is to talk with him about it, however reluctant he may act. If he mentions something another kid does, or exclaims over a school policy, find out what he thinks. Engage honestly with your mind and consider the merits of his position. It is amazing how a teenager can blossom and open up under the encouragement of a sincerely interested adult.

There is the possibility that Dan is truly struggling with something he can’t manage. Sharing your concern about his apparent withdrawal is legitimate, even necessary. It is better for him to feel a bit pressured by your love than disregarded and unnoticed. If he is being bullied, or has fears about his body, or worries that his daydreams mean he’s crazy - all things that teenagers sometimes grapple with - he needs your help to find out how much these things are bothering him. If your inquiries don’t get anywhere or leave you unsatisfied, that might be an indication to seek some professional advice about how to talk with him.

On the other hand, Dan may simply need you to set more explicit standards for tones of voice in your family and some discussion of better ways to establish his independence and autonomy. Shutting you out or being rude is not impressive. You can point out that you admire his capacity to get to track practice every day, and his excellent essay in English class, as well as his patience with his younger brother. These are authentic ways to demonstrate his growing maturity and strength. You appreciate and enjoy those and look forward to more good feelings as he continues to grow up.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can e-mail her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.