Dear Annie,

(Note: This question is a combination of several questions from different parents whose children are being bullied at school.)

My 12 year old son (daughter), a pretty typical kid (or a kid who's a little too nice, too sensitive, too talkative, too needy, too socially awkward, too out-of-sync, too easily angered, too heavy, too different-looking, from a different ethnicity, or has disabilities) is being verbally (physically, emotionally) bullied (picked on, teased, harassed) by a classmate (a group of kids) at school. I don't know if I am overreacting (I want to slap these kids silly, call their parents and yell at the teacher!) but I need to do something. My questions: how involved should I be and at what point and how should I take it to the next level? - That's My Child

Dear That's My Child,

Knowing how to help your child, especially as they start growing up and we, as parents, are supposed to step back, can be really challenging. You are actually lucky that your son (daughter) has confided in you. Sometimes children - feeling like they are supposed to handle this themselves, fearing that their parents will 'overreact', or figuring that their parents will give them the 'just ignore them' advice - don't share what is really going on in the first place. So being the kind of support your child needs is important. There are two ways to go: Child Responses and Parent Responses.

Child Responses: With your support, your son handles this situation himself. In the ideal resolution to bullying that is not life-threatening (not immediately dangerous and still early in the game) your son will assert himself in a way that changes the dynamic, builds his self-confidence and maybe even converts these other children to friends or at least more respectful classmates.

Supporting Your Child (from the sidelines): Helping your child stand up to bullying involves teaching skills and assertiveness. Here are some ways to be supportive:

• Model respectful AND self-respecting behavior
• Have on-going discussions and teaching assertiveness skills
• Bring in books and movies on the topic (see below for a resource link).
• Work on self-esteem and relationship skills with questions like: Do you think you deserve to be talked to (treated like) that? Correct answer: NO, but having your child look honestly at whether he is instigating some of the problem is important. If so, ask, What can you do differently?
• Acknowledge that the desire for acceptance and friendship can drive kids to take abuse rather than be excluded.
• If your child needs practice (and who doesn't) roleplay situations and solutions (Click here for Roleplaying advice and sample scripts.)

(Note: Besides helping your child respond to bullying, it can help your child to find groups, activities, clubs, and other friends to counter these discouraging experiences.)
Parent Responses: If the situation continues or even escalates, stepping in may be necessary. (With younger children, children whose skills are no match for the bullying child(ren), or if the bullying is serious this is done sooner).

As children grow older and begin to obtain skills, you want them doing more of the practicing of these skills so that they can master them but stepping in is also appropriate in some cases. Especially when children are younger - directly stopping bullying behavior swiftly and strongly - though with the least amount of shaming and most amount of empathy-building - can be very valuable. Also, if the bullying is bigger than your child's abilities, and/or because the bullying child needs intervention so that they can get on the right track too, intervening directly should be considered.

Intervention: Until proven otherwise, start with the assumption that your child's teacher and school care about bullying prevention. Your role is to inform them of something that is happening. Going in believe that you all want the same thing - a safe school environment for all, will help create less tension and better solutions.

First approach his teacher (in elementary school this is easier), advisory teacher, school counselor or principal. Use respectful, empathetic language while being firm in your expectations. Being reasonable - even open to the possibility that your child participated in escalating the incident - even unknowingly - can actually strengthen your case. Ask to be informed about what is being done. (Though due to confidentiality, schools can only tell you so much.) And let the school know what you are doing (like roleplaying with your child) and that you will follow-up on whether your child feels things are improving or not.

Prevention: I highly encourage you to become an advocate for respectful behavior in your community and your child's school. Consider working with the school to bring in more messages of respect and inclusion, and stronger stands against bullying. Of course you can and should hold your child's school accountable for the environment that they foster, however you can be part of the solution by helping this happen in more direct ways.

Let me know if you have more questions. I hope this helped. - Annie

Stay tuned: Next Ask Annie Article: Creating Safe Schools

For additional Bullying Prevention Resources click here.

Want more ideas? Don't Take The Bait - A Bullying Prevention Workshop for Children & Grown-ups October 14, 2009. Sign up through Ann Arbor Rec & Ed.

Annie Zirkel, LPC is a local relationship consultant. You can find her at www.practicehow.com. Submit your relationship question to annie@practicehow.com Creative Commons License photo credit: Eddie~S