Dear Kerry,
My son went to a birthday party for his 6-year-old classmate. It was at a bowling alley, and the parents set it up as a competition. I couldn’t see the point of this for this age group, although my son didn’t complain. He thought the cake and ice cream were really good! How can I decide what’s age-appropriate for celebrations?
-CP, Ontario

Dear CP,
There are many ways that children today are expected or influenced to act older than their age. When it’s little girls wearing makeup and high heels at 7 or 8, it’s easy to see that they are being introduced to sexuality too early. With wholesome activities, it’s harder to draw clear lines, since we can all potentially enjoy bowling or jumping on trampolines.

Instead of focusing on the activities themselves, let’s start by thinking about why we have birthday parties at all.

Not all cultures focus on children’s birthdays or celebrate them the way we do in the United States. I have a hunch that the impulse springs from how we feel about our children’s birthdays — it was certainly a life-changing event to have this child! Perhaps grownups want to convey to children that there is something special about the day they were born. Birthday parties have become one of the ways we show our children how much we love them.

Loving our children isn’t completely simple, though, since there are also times we feel irritated, tired, worried or disappointed with them. Most parents know, intellectually, that mixed feelings are inevitable, but still often feel guilty for those negative feelings. We might even be inclined to bend over backwards to compensate, perhaps by arranging an over-elaborate or splashy party.

The town or neighborhood you live in may also be a factor — a group of parents may get into an escalating spiral of competition with bigger and better parties. It’s almost like trying to prove who loves their kids the best!

Children know they are loved when they feel secure in their parents’ attention and presence. Others see the reflection of that confidence in the kind of person the child is with himself and his friends, in the way he gives and receives love. A fancy party won’t make up for absence or distraction.

So we find ourselves going back to basics if we want to make celebrations that truly express feelings in an accessible way. Parents can express their love by their creative ingenuity and pleasure in the occasion.

What’s fun for kids of different ages? Little kids at preschool age are easily overstimulated or overwhelmed by too much noise, too much unfamiliarity, or demands that are too new. They need parties that don’t last too long, aren’t too big, and that involve activities they are used to, like planting seeds in pots to take home or building snowmen.

A good rule of thumb for the size of little children’s parties is to plan for the child’s age plus one — a 3-year-old can truly enjoy having four children over to celebrate.

The possibilities expand with schoolchildren, who have more physical and social skills and have had more group experience at school. Rather than make games into competitions, however, which can lead to disappointment or hurt feelings, parents can devise activities that involve the whole party. A treasure or scavenger hunt, a swimming party, costumes or a theme for games — these enlist the children’s creativity and imagination and provide a framework for self-generated fun.

Middle-schoolers, who may look and act sophisticated beyond their years, are often grateful for a party that does not revolve around social status or competition. The simplest way to provide that is to have parties for just girls or just boys.

Having them make their own food, like individual pie-pan pizzas or a big salad bar with lots of ingredients, gives them a chance to do something fun to celebrate together. This is the age group when a bowling alley, skating rink, ropes park, miniature golf and so forth can also be really enjoyable.

Every day can be a celebration of life and love: When it’s the special day of your child’s birthday, your happiness and the gift of your enthusiasm and creativity can underline for your child how glad you are that he was born.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, and author, with Jack Novick, of "Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children," available at amazon.com or through http://www.buildemotionalmuscle.com. Check the website regularly for blogs and news of upcoming media appearances and events. She welcomes your email with comments and questions for future columns at kerrynovick@gmail.com.