Dear Kerry,
My toddler, Jamie, has begun to say a lot of words, including learning what “no” means. He has gotten very loud lately about all the things he doesn’t want. Now that it gets dark earlier, he says “ni” for “night.” At dinner yesterday he started to yell “no ni” over and over. When I asked him if he meant that he didn’t want it to be night, he nodded. But then he kept saying it and I couldn’t get him to stop. How can I deal with this and other things he insists on?
-EP, Ann Arbor

Dear EP,

Good for him that he knows what he wants and can tell you! But it’s hard for toddlers, as they are learning so much so fast about the world around them, to get the idea of who is in charge of what. Toddlers tend to think that the strength of their own feelings defines what’s real. And they also believe that the intensity of their feelings means it should happen. You may soon hear him say with complete conviction, “But I want it!”

It’s also hard for their parents. Much as we may think it would be nice if we could grant all their wishes, sometimes toddlers want stuff they can’t have or do. And sometimes they want things that are impossible, like for you to stop it being nighttime so they won’t have to go to bed. Children of all ages feel secure when their parents are competent. It makes them feel safe when you can handle events and feelings and know what to do for things from a skinned knee to making a cheese sandwich to driving to school.

It can be flattering to have your child think that you can do everything. But there are some problems in the idea of a parent being all-powerful. One is that it makes you an impossible act to follow. How can any child, however hard he tries, be that perfect? A kid would feel like a failure before he even started. It wouldn’t leave any room to learn and grow in skills and get the great pleasure of mastery.

Another difficulty is that it isn’t true that parents are omnipotent. Parents have limitations, like everyone. Part of our job is to present reality to our children. So we have to refine the above statement about security to include the idea that security, for children, comes from a sense of their parents’ realistic competence.

Which brings us back to little Jamie, who wanted you to hold back the night to delay bedtime. You could ask him, “Do you think I can make the night go away?” When he nods, as he probably would, you might start an explanation that will be made many times over the next few years. “Oh, I see. You wish I were able to make the night go away, but Daddy and I aren’t in charge of that. Night comes after the day, no matter what we want. Some things Jamie is in charge of, like eating your peas and going to sleep; some things mom and dad are in charge of, like bedtime and when we go to the store; and some things no one is in charge of, like the sunshine and the dark of night and when it rains.”

At Allen Creek Preschool and in our recent book “Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children,” we call this the “three buckets.” Children love to actually play out a game tossing balls or scrunched-up paper into buckets labeled for ‘what kids are in charge of,’ ‘what parents and teachers are in charge of’ and ‘what no one is in charge of.’ This helps them to learn important reality distinctions in a fun context:“Who’s in charge of choosing your shirt?” “Who’s in charge of bathtime?” “Who’s in charge of your feelings?” “Who’s in charge of when it’s summer?” and so forth. It’s fun to watch the number of balls in the first bucket increase as children grow up.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council. She is a founder of Allen Creek Preschool and author, with Jack Novick, of “Emotional Muscle,” available at http://www.xlibris.com or buildemotionalmuscle.com. You can reach her through www.allencreek.org with your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.