Dear Kerry, I have a 16-year-old stepdaughter who spends time with us every week. My problem is that she doesn't want to follow the rules of our household and doesn't accept the limits we feel are appropriate. I feel pushed aside and worried about her getting out of hand. What can I do? NI, North Carolina

Dear NI,

There are so many different challenging feelings and issues in blended families. It's not easy. Everyone involved has conflicting loyalties and different versions of the internal story of the situation. When you add in the transition your stepdaughter is making into later adolescence, with its increased autonomy and responsibility, it can get pretty murky. It's not surprising that you sometimes feel at a loss.

Let's think first about some of the factors involved for a kid who has to move between two households. Then we can turn to your role and what you can offer her.

Your stepdaughter has the difficult task of working with two different sets of rules and styles of interacting each week, on top of dealing with school and all its customs and conventions. She may feel a loyalty conflict in each house, worrying that going along with the rules of parents in one household represents a betrayal of her relationship to the other parent(s).

Whether a parent has made her feel that she has to take sides, kids often feel internal pressure to make sure that no one's feelings are hurt. They have been through the divorce and seen the wounds each parent carries - they are especially careful not to add to them if they can help it. Kids can go to elaborate lengths to make sure no one is slighted. Sometimes that takes the form of being super-compliant at both houses. But it can often be expressed as "a plague on both your houses" where the adolescent refuses to go along with anyone's rules.

Coming into the situation as a step-parent when kids are already hurting and full of confusions about how to express love for both their real parents is a real challenge. It takes guts and stamina to stay with the goal of making an authentic and nurturing relationship with your stepchild. Dealing with your own mixed feelings and wishes about these children adds to the complexity.

One approach is to think of this challenging situation in terms of the opportunities it can offer both you and your stepchild or stepchildren. Just as children usually benefit from having two parents who provide variety and alternative models, so they have the possibility to gain even more from the addition of more devoted grownups to their lives. You have lots to offer your stepdaughter and there is potential for great satisfaction for you as well.

You might sit down with her and say, "I know you don’t like it when I say you have to be in by 11, or that I want you to be there for family dinners on schooldays when you are here. We can go on fighting about it, or we can use the situation to give us both a chance to grow." If she seems at all intrigued or, at least, is still listening, you can continue, "One of the things you are doing now is designing your adult personality. You can choose from the menu of what you see in the grownups you know to define what you like and don’t like.

When I offer one model of handling things, that's a menu item for you to consider. I am happy to tell you where I am coming from with my ideas and I would like you to tell me what you think and what other ideas you have. I might hear something that would change my attitude and so might you."

The idea here is to engage in an authentic dialogue. Adolescents often think they are rebelling when they are angry or defiant, or doing things in secret from their parents. True conviction and rebellion is open. It is more mutually respectful for parents and children to honestly share their thoughts and feelings. Kids then are pushed to articulate their values and stick up for their positions with their parents. They have to actually examine their stance and see what they truly believe.

If your stepdaughter really thinks family dinners are dumb and that she has nothing to gain from them, you might point out to her how precious her experience is to her younger half-siblings when they hear about it from her, or how much you enjoy spending time with her at the end of a busy day. Perhaps she might even learn something from the others at the table too.

There are many aspects to step-parenting and managing issues in blended families. I hope readers will contribute ideas and experiences, and I will address other aspects in future columns.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council. She is a Family Consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. Please send comments and questions for future columns to