Dear Kerry,
I am trying to think of ways to spend quality time with my baby, in the midst of a busy life, since I know it’s important for her and our relationship. What are some activities to do?
-RB, Canton

Dear RB,
Indeed it is hugely important that you and your baby have a chance to spend happy time together. Her relationship with you and your spouse will be the single most significant factor in many aspects of her development. So you are asking the right question - it is often very hard for a new parent to imagine what you can possibly do with a little one who can’t yet do anything!

But she can actually do a whole lot, even at birth. She can listen and look and make connections. Every experience builds her knowledge of you and the world and every action lays a foundation for feeling she can have an impact and be effective. When she kicks her feet and waves her arms on the changing table, she will begin to realize that the hand that crosses her line of vision is her own and in her control. Pretty soon she will be putting it in her mouth on purpose and reaching for things. She is storing up impressions in every waking moment.

Using every moment is a good way to think about the time you spend together. Rather than thinking that you always have to generate special activities, you can include shared fun in your daily life. Take the changing table, for instance - you will be spending a fair amount of time there over the first couple of years! It’s actually a wonderful opportunity for face-to-face conversation, singing, games and silliness. Having a special song you sing every time grounds your baby in the expectable routine, while playing “this little piggy” or making funny faces can make it fun. She will be less likely to squirm if her attention is held by interactions with you, and the shared pleasure lays down lovely stores of good feeling in the relationship.

As you begin to take your baby out for walks in the stroller, there are some things you may want to think about. For many new parents, that walk once or twice a day is a time when the baby is sleeping and they have a precious few moments to themselves. Many use that time to reconnect with another grownup, calling a family member, spouse or friend on the cell phone. That can be much-needed refueling and respite.

As your baby grows, however, you may want to reconsider using walks as phone time. Your baby will begin to stay awake as you go around the block or to the park or downtown for a trip to the coffee bar. It is a marvelous opportunity to develop the habit of observation and conversation with your child. Long before your baby can talk, by around six months of age, she is taking in your words and tone of voice. She will learn to talk by hearing you talking and participating in turn-taking conversations.

“Look at that squirrel! He’s running up the tree.” “There’s Mrs. Jones, our neighbor. Let’s wave to her. Hi, Mrs. Jones!” The more full sentences she hears, the richer her language will become. The amount of language that children hear before kindergarten is directly correlated with school success. When parents talk on their cell phones when they think they are spending time with their children, it is frustrating for the children, can make them feel left out, and even sometimes push them into dealing with it by tuning other people out themselves, not a good pattern for later relationships. So my advice is to turn off your cell phone when you go on a walk or to the park.

As your baby grows into toddlerhood, she will relish the special time you spend playing with her. Children need lots of repetition, and their early games are pretty simple. Adults can soon get tired of pushing the car through the tunnel over and over, or playing hide and seek yet again. Lots of parents feel badly about finding toddler play tiresome, but it’s not surprising. How can you find a balance that meets your child’s needs for stimulation, companionship and repetition for mastery, as well as your own needs to maintain involvement and pleasure with her?

You don’t have to play for hours at a time. You can alternate focused playtime (when you just go into a lovely Zen state of not thinking about your to-do list or answering the phone) for a limited amount of time with doing tasks where your child has the choice to join you. “I’m going to play trains with you for a while, and then I will do the laundry. You can stay with the trains then, or you can help me.” Then you can rejoin dedicated play again later. The variety of levels of interaction will also help your child develop skills for playing by herself, with another and joining into other people’s activities.

There are many community activities for parents with little ones, at the public library, the Y, various preschools and so forth. Excellent listings can be found in the calendar section of AnnArbor.com. Most importantly, enjoy all your time with your baby - it may feel long from day to day, but it flies past.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can e-mail her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.