Dear Kerry,
My son is 7, and he complains a lot about being "bored." He acts as if he expects us to entertain him all the time. Obviously, this isn't going to happen, and it’s also pretty annoying. I'm getting tired and frustrated with his whining. What can I do?
-NR, Indiana

Dear NR,
You’re not alone! Many readers have shared similar experiences of frustration and puzzlement. Their nice kids get irritating and demanding with the “boredom” they are expressing. Nice parents, who already are devoted to their children, can start to feel defensive and even just want to get away from the constant whining. These are good signals of a slide you can reverse.

There are two important sets of relationships children develop as they grow. One is with other people. The other is with themselves. But relationships mean engagement and interaction. When someone says they are bored, they have disconnected from the people and activities around them. Even worse, they may have disconnected from themselves.

So one question to consider is whether your child is retreating from something upsetting or difficult. 7 year olds are starting a long path of social involvement at school. That isn’t always easy, since cliques may already be forming.

Children his age have developed a good capacity for making comparisons, but that can be a mixed blessing. Schoolkids may compare themselves or their families unfavorably to others and feel uncertain or worse.

It’s worth doing some gentle probing to check in on how things are going with other kids, or what it felt like to go over to his friend’s house and see how they do things there. Demanding that you entertain him may be a coded way to ask for your help or support around social issues and self-esteem.

It’s more likely, however, that a busy family can fall into some habits that promote the ‘boredom response.’ With family time rarer and more precious than ever, parents often try too hard to devise activities the kids will like.

It will backfire, however, if the only things you do are especially for children. It’s just as important to introduce them to the activities you enjoy and value. Finding a way to share your enthusiasms. For instance, making a visit to a museum exhibit you are interested in accessible to your youngster, or taking him bird-watching, will give him a valuable incentive to grow up and expand his interests.

You can think of this as a challenge for you and your child. Unlike food, where children should be allowed to make free choices among the nutritious offerings, you are in charge of activities and outings, while welcoming suggestions from your child.

Whatever the plan, grownups and children alike are challenged to make it interesting for themselves. I don’t accept the boredom excuse — rather I translate that into a signal that the person isn’t doing enough to find something to learn, enjoy, or consider in the experience.

I would say, “I’m sorry you’re bored. But it’s not my job to fix that. You’re the one who can find what is interesting in anything.”

Parents may need to practice developing the emotional muscle of active engagement. When someone at work talks at length about their weekend, and you are tempted to slide toward boredom, think instead, “What can I learn about this person from his enthusiasm for fly-fishing? Maybe if I ask him what the specific pleasures are for him, it will broaden my understanding.”

As you strengthen your capacity for curiosity, interest and involvement, you will feel more comfortable expecting the same from your child, and teaching him ways to grow on this dimension. He will have to work at the new skill, gradually building up his own emotional muscles for finding pleasure in a bigger proportion of his experience.

We all know people who just seem to have zest for life and more energy than others. I think they are the ones who have tapped into their curiosity and enjoyment of their inner and outer worlds — they are almost never bored.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, and author, with Jack Novick, of "Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children," available at amazon.com or through http://www.buildemotionalmuscle.com. Check the website regularly for blogs and news of upcoming media appearances and events. She welcomes your email with comments and questions for future columns at kerrynovick@gmail.com.