Dear Kerry, We recently had a pet die. I know this can be a good opportunity for helping children manage feelings about death. But how much is too much? It seems like such a big topic for small children to understand. We weren't sure what to say about putting the cat to sleep. We did not tell them that we actually had the cat's body and were going to bury it after they went to sleep. I regret that actually; I think it might have been better to say what we were doing with the body, because it got awkward when my 4-year-old asked. KM, Ann Arbor

When we stop to think about it, death actually is an "everyday" topic. We see dry leaves on the sidewalk; we see flowers turn brown and droop; we may see a dead bird on the sidewalk or a squirrel in the road. A pet dies or a grandparent passes away. Like many unavoidable realities, death always has big feelings connected to it. Parents understandably want to spare their children distress. Knowing what complex feelings surround death, parents may think they should shield children from such a difficult topic. But the fact that there are so many daily instances tells us they need to know about it and it points us in the direction of how to talk about death with children.

A good general pointer is to be honest and straightforward. Euphemisms and beating around the bush can confuse children and cause unexpected problems. For instance, talking about death as "going to rest" or "sleep" can lead to bedtime and sleeping problems for children who take it literally and become afraid to close their eyes. It may be hard, but it is best to tell it like it is. As with most big topics, the sooner and more comfortably it is introduced, the more a small child will be able to master a loss at her own level when it comes.

So it often works well to explain from very early on that death is part of life by talking about the life cycle. When you see that dry leaf as you are taking a fall walk, stop and pick it up. You can talk about how different it looks and feels from the green leaves still on the tree. "They are still alive and growing. This one is dry and brown. It has finished its whole life, so it fell off the tree and will crumble up and go into the earth." Another day, you can spot the acorns and talk about how they have fallen off the tree to go into the earth to make a new tree grow. Gardening is another fun way to learn together about the life cycle.

When a pet dies, it leaves a big hole in a family's life. Cats and dogs are always there with us and we feel their loss keenly. Because their life cycles are shorter than ours, most families with pets will go through this loss at some point in their children's lives. Two areas to be sure to cover are acknowledging the sad feelings and placing the death in the context of a whole, complete life. "Even though Tabby had lived a long time and it was her time to die, I am very sad. I will miss her because I loved her. I am going to remember all the things I loved doing with her. Remember how she liked her tummy rubbed? And how she meowed so loudly when she wanted her supper?"

Leaving time to mourn and remember before replacing the pet will teach a crucial life lesson about the precious individuality of each creature - even dogs and cats aren't interchangeable. Some children may want to draw a picture of their cat or write a list with you of memories. When we have said a good goodbye to the one that died, we will be ready to enjoy meeting and feel comfortable loving a new one.

It can be harder when a loved person dies, as the grownups have such big feelings too, maybe even more intense than the child's. It is very common for children to operate from their normal position of self-centeredness and assume that the bad thing could happen now to them or their parents. They need your support and reassurance so they don't get anxious about it. "People live a very long time before they have finished their whole lives and it is their time to die. It will be so long that it's even hard to count it. Let me see - next year you will be 5, and then 6, etc.,etc. Then you will go to high school and college, and go to work ..... "

Telling the really long story, so that your child can hear how long a life lasts, often defuses the worry that can come from their immature sense of time. If there is an untimely death, that will demand additional explanations, geared to the specifics. I will talk about that in a future column.

It is all right to let your child see that you are sad too. It won't hurt your child to see you cry, especially if you can use the occasion to give each other a hug and talk a bit about the loved one, sharing the good feelings that can last forever. This validates your child's feelings and demonstrates how sadness can be integrated with good memories. (If you can't stop crying or feel really down all the time, it may help to contact your doctor and/or a support group to get assistance with grieving.)

There is no substitute for loving, thoughtful conversations with parents, but books can provide helpful scaffolding for your talks with your children about difficult realities. I highly recommend Mr. Rogers' books about various experiences. You can find one about the death of a pet here.

When you take life's events as learning opportunities, you will help your children master what has happened and equip them with the "emotional muscles" to meet new challenges.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst and family consultant. You can find her at www.allencreek.org. 
Please send your comments and questions for future columns.