Dear Kerry, My newly licensed 16-year-old had a fender-bender in the parking lot. Luckily it wasn’t serious, and he will work to pay for the repairs. What upset me is that he didn’t tell us about it until I noticed the dent. What consequences should there be for him and how can I talk to him about holding back in this way? MG, Ann Arbor

All parents worry about what they aren’t hearing about, even when a new preschooler won't describe all that happened at school. It’s especially scary with teenagers, since we know a lot is going on out there that could be dangerous. It raises issues of trust, judgment, morality and lying, responsibility and independence. So this is a really important question - figuring out how to deal with this incident may set a useful, more general pattern for other situations.

The natural consequence of having to pay for repairs will reinforce the lesson about careful, vigilant driving he will learn from this incident. I am not sure there have to be further consequences for lying (by omission). Instead I think this represents an opportunity for growth, a teachable moment for the whole family.

Adolescence doesn’t only bring changes to the youngster; it demands huge transformations from parents too, if a positive relationship is to be maintained and carried forward into adulthood. It can be hard to really see our teenagers, to see how much they have grown and how much they have to offer us in terms of their unique perspectives and experience. They too are just learning to see us in real terms, coming to grips with who we really are, strengths and weaknesses alike.

The challenge for parents is to be open to themselves and the teenager, sincerely willing to consider new ideas and possibilities. This is not at all easy - inviting honesty from your adolescent may lead to some painful feedback. But the potential benefits far outweigh the momentary stings.

The central question is why your son didn’t rush right home from school and tell you all about the accident. Perhaps you could share with him that you are upset that didn’t happen: “We need to look at why you didn’t tell me about it. Was there something you were worried about? My reaction? Your own feelings - of embarrassment, fear of consequences? If you worried about my reaction, maybe I have some work to do to handle my feelings more constructively.” You could say to him, “What could I do to help you feel that you could talk to us about this or anything else?” This can be the entry to an important discussion about how you will handle difficult issues. For instance, you might say, “I hope that you will always feel you can call me if you are in an uncomfortable situation. Even if it’s 1 a.m., if your friend has been drinking, don’t get in the car with him. Call me and I will come and get you with no questions asked, and I promise I won’t blow up, even if I do have feelings and reactions about the situation. We will talk about it the next day, but that will help us figure out ways to handle it another time.” Your goal is to have your child feel he can talk to you about anything - you are his major resource and you want him to make good use of that. If he has to keep something secret from you, you hope that helps him think that he maybe shouldn’t be doing it. But your attitudes and reactions establish what he feels he can share with you. Being honest with yourself and your teenager about your values and his right to hold different values is a first level of communication. This first level, however, is not useful unless it is followed by shared examination of responsibility for the actions that follow from the values. For instance, secret delinquency, like underage drinking or pot-smoking, is a phony rebellion. If things are out in the open, teenagers are challenged to defend their actions and question the assumptions in their own and their parents’ positions. This leads to genuine exchange and growth for all concerned. Authentic debate depends on sincere openness to each other’s positions. Your 16-year-old’s minor accident may have been a fortunate one, since it gives you the chance to address these issues with some time in hand to work them out. Please let us know how it plays out.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst and family consultant. You can find her at www.allencreek.org. 
Please email her your comments and questions for future columns.