Give the gift of listening

Posted on Sun, Jul 11, 2010 : 6 a.m.

Give the gift of listening

By Dennis Sparks

Dennis Sparks/Contributor

Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training have you had that enables you to listen so you really, deeply understand another human being? —Stephen Covey

Maybe it’s less important to figure out what to say to your kids about their future, drugs, or grades, than how to listen to your kids about these and other topics that matter to them. —Dan Mulhern

While listening fully and deeply to others is an incredibly challenging task, I am convinced that the world would be a much better place if all of us aspired to do it better. In fact, there are few gifts that we can give one another that are more important than our full attention as it is expressed in deep and sustained listening.

My thoughts about listening were stimulated by a recent University of Michigan report that noted that today’s college students are less able to understand the perspectives and feelings of others than those of their counterparts 20 to 30 years ago. Maia Szalavitz, co-author of "Born to Love: Why Empathy is Essential—and Endangered," believes that the roots of this decline can be found in young people spending more time in front of screens with fewer opportunities for unstructured activities with others that may enable them to develop this skill.

Whatever the cause, its reversal, I believe, requires that young people learn how to mindfully attend to the words and feelings of others. Listening is at the core of that attention. Fortunately, listening is a learnable skill that is best acquired when their elders consistently demonstrate it in their presence.

Barriers to attentive listening

There are, in my experience, several barriers to good listening, no matter the listener’s age. Thoughts that flit through our minds can sometimes seem so important and urgent that they compel us to interrupt the speaker or to “hijack” the story to share our experience related to the subject at hand.

Another common barrier is the belief that our communication agenda is more important than what the speaker is saying at the moment, with the “listener” interpreting what the speaker really means, giving advice, asking questions that are really disguised advice, correcting errors, or redirecting the conversation into areas of greater interest to the listener. This malady seems to particularly afflict parents and others in position of authority or responsibility.

Electronic devices are yet another obstacle that distract us and indicate to others that the words they speak are less important than the messages that appear on our screens.

Becoming better listeners

Fortunately, each day offers numerous opportunities to practice and refine our listening skills. Even a single minute of undivided attention can strengthen a relationship, particularly when we listen without judgment and refrain from contradicting or advising, although these can be difficult habits for many of us to break. We can set aside our own agendas, become aware of the thoughts that arise in our minds without allowing them to control our actions and turn off or stow our computers or cell phones.

When we do these things. we give a gift to ourselves as well as to those around us. Through our listening we develop empathy and enrich our lives by understanding others more deeply. When we listen carefully, others are far more likely to listen to us in that same way. It is in these moments that we learn that the most powerful communication often occurs when we are fully present with another person saying little or nothing at all.

Dennis Sparks’ “Things Observed” essays and photos encourage readers to see familiar things in new ways. He can be contacted at dennis.sparks@comcast.net.

Comments

Jean

Sat, Aug 21, 2010 : 4:01 p.m.

A VIP thing to learn to listen better is to mirror back what the speaker said. 'You said you are tired of working.' Then the other person can clarify what they said. This step in listening allows for deeper understanding of what another says. Because literal interpretation may not be what the other person meant to convey. For example, the person could clarify the tired of working statement to be actually a statement of something totally different from what you heard. This might be called 'reflective listening'. I am reflecting on what you said. Tell me more.

Pamela LeBlanc

Sat, Jul 31, 2010 : 7:37 p.m.

I love this image and the fact that sometimes we can't tell whether we're coming or going.