Helping a grieving child get back into the school routine

Posted on Fri, Oct 8, 2010 : 3:50 p.m.

Helping a grieving child get back into the school routine

By Jeanne Cooper, LMSW

September is over, and children are back in the school routine. For some children, returning to school is complicated by the fact that they are also grieving the death of someone important in their lives.

This can add a layer of challenge and concern for parents, teachers and children alike. Simple things like reuniting with classmates can become more difficult for a grieving child. Often, others don’t know what to say to a child who has experienced a loss. This can mean that both adults and peers avoid talking about it at all. Other times, the comments and platitudes intended to be helpful, such as, “she’s in a better place”, can often be hurtful instead.

There are some important things to keep in mind when thinking about the needs of a grieving student, who can be distracted by many concerns. Some are worried about their other grieving family members while they are away all day. Other children will go to great lengths to stay busy and avoid their feelings as much as possible. They may be flooded with memories or intense feelings, making it difficult to concentrate in the classroom.

Grieving children may have a heightened sensitivity around how the loss makes them different from their peers, creating new stress in those relationships and social times at school. Some grieving students will act out with difficult behaviors and others will withdraw and lose interest in things they once enjoyed.

And yes, some children will seem entirely the same as they did before, and it may be difficult to know if or when these children need extra support.

While there is no one right way to support a grieving child who is returning to school, there are some things that can help ease the transition back to school:

Inform your child’s teacher of the death and arrange a time to discuss any concerns that you are having about your child.

Encourage your child to talk to the teacher (or other school team member) about the death in the family. Get your child’s opinion about what is helpful for the teacher to share (if anything) with classmates and other school personnel.

Arrange a plan for your child in conjunction with the school staff that allows for your child to take a break if he or she becomes overwhelmed with emotion. This could involve having a designated safe place to go, a journal to write in or a support person who can take some time to talk to your child. Allow your child to be a part of the planning process.

Let your child know that while grieving the death of someone significant, he or she still has a right to privacy and to share only what they feel comfortable. Give your child permission to tell other students and teachers that he or she doesn’t want to talk about it when that is the case.

Be patient. Know that grief is a normal process for children and adults. Seek outside support for children who are having extreme or ongoing difficulties. Support may include talking with the family physician, a counselor or joining a support group for other families who are also grieving a loss.

Returning to school after a death can be challenging. With a little extra care, it can also be a positive experience for children going to a school that also feels like a safe place. Parents can ease the transition by taking a few steps to keep the school informed of the impact of the loss on their family, and including the child in conversations about what is most helpful to help them during the school day. Schools can be one of the biggest supports to a family dealing with a difficult loss.

For more information about supporting a grieving child, please visit: www.elesplace.org and www.arborhospice.com.

Comments

Cendra Lynn

Sun, Oct 10, 2010 : 2:41 p.m.

Well said, Jeanne. Thank you. And thanks for the great work you are doing by providing Ele's place. It's so great to see kids get help. My father died when I was seven and I got no help. I was traumatized for decades. This is one way in which the world is so much better!

jinxx

Sun, Oct 10, 2010 : 9:52 a.m.

I lost my mother last October 12th, 2009, and I'm thinking about starting college this winter semester. I love this article because it really speaks about what young children (or older students) may need to help keep them going. I'm sharing this on Facebook and forwarding it via email to people I think it will benefit.

CountyKate

Fri, Oct 8, 2010 : 7:54 p.m.

When my son was seven, we had three deaths in the family, back-to-back -to back. His teacher, Herman Humes at Chapelle Elementary, helped us so much. My son was holding too much in, until one day he came home from school and said, "Mr. Humes cried with me. He said it's okay to cry sometimes." I am grateful to Mr. Humes to this day for helping my son feel safe enough to express his emotions at this difficult time.