How a tea kettle changed my view of parenthood
These are the only three words my sleep-deprived, mommy-fied brain can process in the morning. For the record, it's decaf, and it's also in my genes. Because if there's one thing Egyptians know really well, it's the importance a good cup of tea.Â
It's a culture where tea begins and ends the day. Tea is the only civilized way to greet a guest, begin a friendship or end a meal. I'm pretty sure there are hieroglyphics that depict our pyramid-building ancestors taking daily tea breaks around 10 a.m.. Stomachache? Try tea with mint. Rough day at work? Tea with milk. Really rough day at work? Tea with whatever you have in the liquor cabinet.
It's the one beverage that's thicker than blood or water. Just ask my completely non-Egyptian husband who knew he'd been granted the green light to propose when my dad, after a long silent pause finally turned to him and popped the ultimate question: "Mark, would you like a cup of tea?"
So it's only fitting I got a major wake up call from my morning tea. Or my tea kettle, to be exact.
Electric tea kettle #1 was a wedding shower gift and after nearly seven years of speedily brewing my morning, afternoon and evening delight it one day died a peaceful death. So I invested in a new shiny stainless steel number. So shiny you can see yourself in it. And that's exactly what happened.
I came downstairs that first morning of the New Kettle Era and began my usual routine, which mainly involves impatiently watching water boil. But somewhere between the Lipton bag and the Splenda packet, I caught a glimpse of myself in the side of the kettle, and here's what I saw: an angry face. A tense face. A face that looked defeated. It wasn't so much the dark circles under the eyes but the sadness inside them that took me most by surprise. Was that really me? Was that the face that greeted my family each morning?
It's been nearly 10 months since I left my job to stay home with my kids. It was the decision so many women before me have faced: the emotional and financial cost of putting two kids in daycare was just too much to pay. And don't get me wrong, I adore my children. I love the sight, love the sound, want to inhale the sweet smell of their skin. But there is a loneliness and isolation to daily life with little ones that can at times feel suffocating. The constant doing and undoing of laundry, the making and unmaking of messes. By the time my husband comes home, the best I have to offer is a brief State of the Household address: an exciting summary of who did and did not poop.
"Just make friends with other moms," I've been told. Well here's a newsflash - not every mom out there wants to be your friend by mere virtue of the fact that you both have children. Sometimes the mean girls from middle school grow up and grow out of it, and sometimes they just grow up and host Bunco night. So (partly by choice) most days the only adult I interact with is the Target cashier, and even she seems a little bored with me. I miss my old life, I miss my old self.
It's enough to make a person angry, even if that person doesn't realize it until she sees it reflected back in a tea kettle. But it's slowly become clear: I've been fighting the Mommy Wars with myself, and I'm losing the battle.
So it's time to lay down my weapons; I am officially giving up the internal fight. It's high time I accept where I am, accept that this is who I am right now. It is often difficult, it is frequently lonely, but it's also what I know deep down to be right. These are my current circumstances, and I can't change them until I fully acknowledge what they are. My family doesn't deserve angry eyes, and neither do I.
So please join me and my morning tea for a toast: Here's to drinking in what life offers us in the here and now. Here's to sipping on what we've been given, and savoring what it is instead of wishing it were something else. Let's stop worrying about whether the tea cup is half-empty or half-full and just taste what's inside.
Cheers to now.
Mona Shand is a radio and TV news reporter and mother of two. You can read more on her blog.
Comments
Mona Shand
Sun, Apr 4, 2010 : 1:34 p.m.
Lisa- that sounds fabulous!!!! I'll be emailing you to see if we can get that going!
Angela Smith
Mon, Mar 29, 2010 : 8:19 a.m.
Bunco -- I could be persuaded to learn :)
Lisa@TeaHaus
Sun, Mar 28, 2010 : 5:55 p.m.
As a mom of two boys (4 and 2) and a owner of TeaHaus in Kerrytown, I would love to offer my store as a get together for moms to enjoy tea and a chat. If we happen to start talking about kids, so be it - at least we'd be sharing a cup of really awesome tea. Mean girls not welcome. Give me a call at the store or send me a mail and we'll make it happen! p.s. I got the brushed stainless kettle just to avoid my morning reflection;)
Ann Arbor mom
Sat, Mar 20, 2010 : 7:35 a.m.
My playgroup kept me sane when I had a small child. The initial group consisted of a bunch of moms who met at prenatal yoga or infant massage classes. The group was always welcoming to new parents - I was one of the latecomers. And let's face it: infants don't really "play" together. The weekly get togethers were for the parents! We still get together (our kids are in kindergarten in several different schools) and we even have organized the kids into their own t-ball team this summer. And Jeff is right - co-op preschools are a great way to meet families and build a community.
Mona Shand
Fri, Mar 19, 2010 : 7:37 a.m.
Angela- you are on, darn it! Do you play Bunco? :-)
Angela Smith
Fri, Mar 19, 2010 : 6:59 a.m.
I read your postings regularly, and I too am an at home parent, so darn it, I think we should be friends!! Luckily with spring upon us, it gets easier. Meet up at the park? :) Thanks for sharing those feelings that at home parents all experience now and again.
Mona Shand
Thu, Mar 18, 2010 : 3:35 p.m.
Thanks to all of you for the feedback! And a special teacup toast to the stay at home dads of the world like Jeff and A2G. My husband often says he wishes he could stay home... I tell him it's not as ideal as the brochure makes it seem. :-) But you're all so right about the rewards. I'd suggest we get together for a tea party to discuss this more, but that's become a political statement that just isn't my.... cup of tea. (insert groan here)
Annie Zirkel
Thu, Mar 18, 2010 : 3:04 p.m.
Thanks for your honesty. Parenthood is a selfless job - where you don't even see yourself sometimes. Good that you noticed what was going on for you and that you want to put on a better face. Just remember that you are a really good mom!
A2G
Thu, Mar 18, 2010 : 10:04 a.m.
While I can sympathize with the trials and tribulations of being a stay at home mom, the decision is not always just that of the mother. I was a stay at home dad by choice for nearly 5 years. I found that simply by being a man and stay and home dad made me an outsider to all the stay at home mothers. Whether at the playground or Gymboree, I was never approached but often just looked at with suspicion. I almost without exception had to initiate conversations and despite many attempts never made it into the inner Moms group for adult conversation and occasional socializing not only for me but my daughter. Re-entering the workforce after my time at home was also challenging in many ways as I often had to explain my wifes and my decision for me to stay home with my daughter, which was often looked at with a sense of skepticism by the interviewer both male and female. Despite all of this, I would never trade the time I had with my daughter for anything in the world as we built a special bond that we continue to share. Having worked many demanding jobs, this was still probably the toughest job I ever had but also the most rewarding.
Jeff Renner
Thu, Mar 18, 2010 : 9:46 a.m.
I was a pioneering stay-at-home dad from 1975-1997, and faced a similar problem. Fortunately, at the time there were two co-op drop-in centers for infants through four year olds, Northside Drop-in center on Broadway an Eastside Drop-in on Washtenaw. That's where I met and interacted with other parents, mostly moms though not entirely. Parents could drop off kids for a morning and had to stay to help one time in three. It helped me stay sane. I'm afraid there may be nothing like them now. There still are co-op nursery schools for ages three and four. My kids went to Triangle Co-op on Washtenaw, which is still going. Again, it's a great way to meet other parents since you have to assist every few weeks.
Wolverine3660
Thu, Mar 18, 2010 : 8:57 a.m.
Mona- what decaf tea? try some good, organic, loose-leaf tea from a local company : www.arborteas.com When I was in the coffee-shop business, we would call a drink like yours ( i.e. a decaf tea or decaf coffee with Splenda), the "why-bother" drink!! :):)
Heather Heath Chapman
Thu, Mar 18, 2010 : 8:53 a.m.
The poop and Bunco lines made me laugh out loud. Lovely way to start this day. Thanks.
Tammy Mayrend
Thu, Mar 18, 2010 : 8:52 a.m.
I too have been contemplating this exact same thing of late - How is it that mom's make other mom friends... Everyone said "When your kids start school." but I only see those moms in the rush of pick-ups and drop-offs so I'm not sure what I am supposed to get out of it... And the constant clean-ups, laundry and other assorted things are getting to me too. Alas it IS time for a cup of tea! Incidentally, when I bought my first new home the luxury I insisted on, was an instant hat water tank on my kitchen sink - I installed one in this house when we moved and I will NEVER be without one!
Pam Stout
Thu, Mar 18, 2010 : 7:41 a.m.
Ah, what a beautiful reflection (pun intended) on the trials of transition to motherhood. I remember well the feeling of isolation and daily poop report. Cheers to you!