How do you discipline other people's children?
Photo courtesy of Flickr user J-Zimmerman
You volunteer to chaperone a trip with your child’s class. When you receive the list of kids in your group, none of the names look familiar.
After chatting with a coupe of parents, you discover that you have a couple of the kids who may have “behavior challenges.” What do you do?
When it comes to discipline, we as parents are firm in how we discipline our children. But, how do you handle discipline when the child is not your own? An article at ehow.com says, “the trick is to know how and when to do it.”
The following are instructions on discipline from the article, "How to discipline other people’s kids":
• Decide what discipline means to you. Many people debate whether spanking is an acceptable form of discipline. Therefore it is not appropriate to use this on another persons’ child. A more appropriate form of discipline may be a time out or taking away privileges.
• Feel confident about enforcing rules in your own home. You may encounter a situation where your child has a friend over who is unaware of the rules at your house. Sometimes the disciplinary action can be avoided by simply telling the friend the rules, “At our house we don’t play catch inside the house.” If a child knows your rule and chooses not to follow it, it’s okay to take away a privilege or ask him to leave.
• Enforce safety at all costs. “It doesn’t matter how angry another parent may be at you, you need to make sure everybody is safe. This means taking away items that are being used as weapons, speaking up when bigger kids are intimidating younger ones and removing a child from a situation in which he is being physically aggressive.”
• Let children work things out the best they can before you intervene. We have to remember that kids will argue and that’s a part of growing up and learning to compromise. If an argument becomes too heated and the kids can’t calm down, then it is time to step in.
As a child growing up, I remember other parents in the neighborhood being able to discipline us if we were caught doing something wrong. In an article at TODAY.com, Dr. Ron Zodkevitch, a child psychiatrist, says, “Discipline no longer seems to be a collaborative effort among parents. Today, you’re not supposed to stick your nose in where it doesn’t belong." Dr. Zodkevitch says this is what the thinking seems to be today.
In a video, Linda Fears from Family Circle magazine and psychologist Jeff Gardere discuss when it’s appropriate to discipline other people’s kids.
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When do you feel it’s appropriate to discipline another person’s child? Does it depend upon the situation and circumstances?
Angela Verges is a writer and mother of two. She can be reached at awritersdream41@yahoo.com.
Comments
ViSHa
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 2:06 p.m.
***see atticus f. second comment.
DonBee
Sat, Jun 4, 2011 : 12:30 a.m.
On one field trip I had 2 sixth graders who were running off and making trouble. My answer was simple. I had each of them take one of my hands. I told them they had to walk with me for the rest of the field trip. There was no problem on the bus back to school. Seems being stuck with an adult for the whole afternoon was enough to take the wind out their sails. I never raised my voice, never said anything about their behavior. I just said I think it is time for us to hold hands and then did not let them run off again.
momgoblue
Fri, Jun 3, 2011 : 12:31 a.m.
So why is it anyone else's business but my own to discipline my children? My father-in-law laid a finger on one of my children exactly once (for no good reason -- although in my book, there is no good reason to hit a child EVER). I told him that if he ever tried that again, he would be very lucky to be invited to her wedding and he wouldn't be seeing her before then. To the woman with the airline seat (and theater seat too, I am sure, issue): little legs stick straight out when children sit on adult-sized chairs. Sometimes they bump seats in front of you accidentally. More than once, I've spent entire plane trips trying to keep my children from accidentally touching a seat in front of them because someone who has forgotten what it is to be a child has gotten bent out because somebody touched her (always a "her") seat. Generally, those are the same people who have no problem rudely reclining their seats without regard for others. Old people are always so happy to tell parents of small children what they and their children are doing wrong. I had some old bat tell me my child needed a spanking when we were at Kroger one day. My child was sick (very sick) and my husband was traveling. The next time that woman is very ill, maybe somebody ought to give her a smack -- wouldn't that make her feel better? And so you know -- my children are not out-of-control brats. My oldest is an honors student who volunteers in the community and my youngest is always opening doors for people and giving them a smile. They have been raised to be respectful for others by having respect modeled for them at home. I suppose, in my way, I have an impact on my childrens' friends, as I am respectful to them when they are in my home. Nobody's lit the cat on fire or hollered at me yet, so I guess I'm doing OK.
Woman in Ypsilanti
Fri, Jun 3, 2011 : 6:43 p.m.
I am not talking about a child accidentally kicking the seat occasionally. I am talking about how some kids just get fidgity when confined to small spaces like airplanes. They sometimes just start kicking and it is very rude. I usually wait a bit for the parent to handle things but often, since it isn't their seat being kicked repeatedly, the parents do nothing. So I have had to turn around and politely ask the child to please stop kicking the seat followed by a more stern request and threat to call the flight attendant. I don't think that is inappropriate at all. Ditto for other airplane kid behavior like tapping my shoulder or playing with my hair.
little bird
Fri, Jun 3, 2011 : 4:30 a.m.
"those are the same people who have no problem rudely reclining their seats" - Sorry, if recline is an option in the seat- its gonna get reclined, lady.
Atticus F.
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 8:55 p.m.
Half the problem is that the parents are so obnoxious, that they would over react to someone telling them how to raise their child.
HaeJee
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 8:49 p.m.
Dr. Ron Zodkevitch, a child psychiatrist, says, "Discipline no longer seems to be a collaborative effort among parents. Today, you're not supposed to stick your nose in where it doesn't belong." Dr. Zodkevitch says this is what the thinking seems to be today. I agree with this statement. I didn't want a collaborative effort among parents/non-parents in discipline. My reason is because I witnessed to many adults when I was younger abuse that authority. When you have practically a stranger have the right to spank any child, how does the children learn boundaries? I grew up in the generation when spanking, the belt, paddle, etc was the norm. I also noticed that kids fought a lot more then. I always thought that hitting was the ignorant method of disciplining. It doesn't require thought and takes only a few moments. The worst discipline you can do is lecture a child. My children would prefer to be spanked than hear me lecture for an hour.
Atticus F.
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 7:50 p.m.
If it's a younger child, I tell them that I've called the police on them... And that the police are going to arrest them and take them to jail.
treetowncartel
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 9:20 p.m.
hah, that is funny, I use that for seat belt enforcement in my car. And then I speed dial Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny.
Hunterjim
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 6:51 p.m.
Yes I know I'm from a different generation....grew up in the 50's & 60's. If i messed up at a freinds house...I was punished by those parents including a spanking...then expected another punishment at home. If a friend messed up the same held true. It was respect for the rules of that house and parents. If I messed up at school, my parents expected the school to take approperiate action including spanking. It was Mr. & Mrs Smith when addressing other adults. The bottom line I think comes down to respect and self responsbility...had to learn it the hard way more than once, but I like millions of other kids from that time survived and grew up OK. The same held true for my kids....other kids knew the rules of our house and respected them...tough..yes...house full of kids... yes! A good swift swat to a kids behind does not tramatize them form life..it teaches them there are rules and consequences...
momgoblue
Fri, Jun 3, 2011 : 2:14 a.m.
... and we liked it that way. It's spelled "traumatized." And it teaches them to use physical violence to deal with problems.
Woman in Ypsilanti
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 5:47 p.m.
I generally avoid it. People get way too bent out of shape about it. I do, however, have some exceptions. 1. My house - my rules. I always feel it is ok for me to enforce my own house rules with anyone's children who happen to be there. 2. If a child's behavior involves my person, I have no hesitation sternly telling a child that their behavior is unacceptable. I wouldn't allow an adult to hit me without comment either. I have no trouble being very stern with a child who is hitting or kicking me (or the back of my plane seat).
ArthGuinness
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 5:27 p.m.
In some circumstances, getting the child's attention and pointedly asking, "where are your parents?" is enough to get control of the situation. I used this at the play area in the mall where one kid was punching another smaller kid. The offender nearly crapped his pants at the thought of his parents finding out what he was doing.
Terri
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 5:22 p.m.
I'm surprised to see spanking considered in any case. I've never understood why hitting someone is acceptable as long as they're small and defenseless, and hitting someone your own adult size is assault.
Atticus F.
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 8:39 p.m.
Terri, there is a big difference between spanking a child as a disciplinary action, and striking an adult because they've angered you. I find it hard to believe that an adult can't make a distinction between the 2. Also, we have a responsibility to teach our children rules. For their own good.
Terri
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 8:01 p.m.
Hitting is hitting. I'm not sure how "it's not done out of anger" is supposed to make smacking your kid more palatable.
Atticus F.
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 7:43 p.m.
It's called negative reinforcement. And it's not meant to be done out of anger.
Bertha Venation
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 3:47 p.m.
I'll tell you what I'd do.... er, nivermind. It'd just get blocked anyway.
Leanne
Thu, Jun 2, 2011 : 3:04 p.m.
I glare at them in the most frightening way possible.