How much media is too much for preschoolers?

Generally parents talk about showing their children videos for three reasons: first, they want the children to learn from them; second, they need something to occupy the children while they do necessary tasks; and third, just as grownups enjoy a good movie or an evening of TV, there can be pleasure or fun for children from movies or games.

Starting with the very youngest — there is nothing more fascinating or instructive for babies than the face of a responsive grownup. No mechanical stimulation can hope to get anywhere near the variety, detail and customizing of interaction that takes place when parents and infants play peekaboo, make faces, sing songs, do fingerplays, read books, or go for a walk together. Hearing music, having conversations, feeling the wind blow, moving rhythmically, and so forth all stimulate brain development and lay a foundation of pleasure and learning within babies’ most important relationships.

As babies become toddlers and then preschoolers, all their developmental energy is harnessed to the enormous task of mastering the inner realities of feelings and impulses and the outer realities of the world of people and things. Never again will children make such rapid developmental strides in such a short time — there are literally millions of things for them to learn about. They drink in everything around them and reach out to explore and discover more. Figuring out what is real and what is not, working out what causes what, struggling to differentiate what they are in charge of and what they cannot control are all big jobs. Little children do not securely know the difference between real and pretend until they are seven or eight years old, and, even then, occasionally need reassurance from grownups.

In the context of these long developmental efforts, we can see that movies and videos that present fantasy worlds and characters are confusing to young children. No matter how convincingly they may assert that they know it’s make believe, children can’t help but be confused by stories that depict unrealistic and frightening characters and events. Preschoolers are figuring out the realities of things like their own body intactness and integrity, loving wishes and aggressive impulses, growing awareness of death and dying, what it means to grow up and how to remain secure in one’s family and still become a big person.

Stories about people who can fly, dying/sleeping and coming back to life/awakening, the scarecrow and tinman who are life-like but are missing a brain and a heart, the witch who melts, people who have the power to hurt or destroy others by an evil curse or a flick of the wand, the animals who plan to leave their overly-rambunctious friend alone in the dark woods to cure him of his bounciness — these all have so much potential for feeding confusion about the power of both thoughts and actions.

Most importantly, such movies and stories give children unrealistic material and characters to “try on” when what they really need to be doing is becoming themselves, becoming grounded in their own feelings: excited, happy, disappointed, loving, angry, jealous, curious. Children cannot fly, they do have a brain and a heart, they cannot melt, and sleeping is not dying.

There is plenty of time for children to become acquainted with the rich body of fairy tales and folk tales, fantasy and science fiction, and there are so many other pastimes that are more manageable for preschoolers. But sometimes parents need time for themselves — to cook dinner, to regain calm, to make an important phone call that can’t wait. Videos, when chosen with a child’s developmental level in mind, can be welcome aids for a maximum of 30 minutes at such times.

For instance, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood is suitable for most children over three. What makes these appropriate is their realistic setting, the gentle pacing, helpful and understandable lyrics, the clear delineation between the world of people and the “land of make-believe,” and the ever-present attention to feelings. Anything else that meets those criteria may make an occasional half-hour of watching a constructive and enjoyable experience for a preschooler.

Sometimes families fall into a habit of children watching TV or videos, and then parents worry about what will happen if they decide to alter the pattern. In the past when I’ve seen families deal with the rough period of removing the scary movies or books from the home, I have always seen a positive change in the child’s ability to focus on his/her own interests in the classroom, and in the child’s efforts to connect with others in ways that the others can understand and welcome.

In helping children with the adjustment, parents can say, “I know you like X story and so do I, but I’ve been thinking about it and I realize that it is really meant for older children. We can read/look at it again when you are a little older. Dad and I made a mistake and we think it is better to read some different stories.” If children ask why, parents can say that they are the parents, whose job is to keep children’s bodies, minds and feelings safe, and that they don’t think that these stories are helping them feel safe right now: “Those stories are too scary for X-year-old boys and girls. Sometimes they make children have feelings that are too big.” Limits like these are comforting to little ones, even if they put up a fight.

This brings us to our last category — the pleasure we grownups derive from fantasy material, whether it is novels, historical dramas, thrillers, films, opera, theater, science fiction and so forth. We want to introduce our children to this pleasure because we want to share with them all that is important to us. If we do this too soon, we may overwhelm our children and leave them vulnerable to anxiety that they can only assuage by clinging to us.

If, on the other hand, we share the scope of imagination when children are secure in themselves and their own abilities and in the predictability of the world and people around them, then fantasy can expand horizons, stretch ideas of what is possible, and foster empathy and understanding.

So I think your doubts were valid and your instinct to protect your 3-year-old was wise. When your child is older, there will be many opportunities to enjoy movies and shows, with you and other friends and family members. Instead of setting up scared and confused interactions, they will be able to create good memories of shared pleasure in watching, talking about, and playing out the stories from films, TV and games.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can email her your comments and questions for future columns.