Dear Kerry, My family has really been looking forward to our summer vacation, but I confess that I am kind of dreading it. Our routines are already disrupted when there’s no school and there isn’t much vacation for me. When we go away, I’m still responsible for everything. I don’t want to whine, but I wonder if there is a way I can anticipate our vacation at a rented cottage with some of their excitement too! JL, Ann Arbor
Dear JL, This is a familiar dilemma for parents, especially for the main person who usually organizes the household. The school year and work responsibilities structure the day and the week for families, defining when people leave the house, what they need to prepare and take with them, what tasks will fill the afternoon and evening, and when everyone will need to be in bed. You probably have regular ways that the ordinary tasks of the household get done - who does the laundry when, who takes out the garbage, how the dishes get washed, and so forth.
Summer vacation changes the whole situation. Child care or day camp or hanging out don’t follow the same schedule. The days are longer, so no one wants to go to bed. Play dates or sports activities may affect mealtimes. Part of the pleasure of summer in most people’s minds is the idea of more flexibility and freedom. But that should be a pleasure for every member of the family. I don’t think you are whining when you raise the problem of making sure that the summer isn’t just fun for everyone else. The challenge is to share enjoyment of the change in routine while still sharing out the necessary tasks.
An actual summer vacation trip often concentrates these issues, making them more visible and acute. If you are going to a cottage, in the mountains or at a lake or the shore, it is unlikely to have all the conveniences of home. There may not be a dishwasher or a washer and dryer or as much space on a rainy day. At the same time, the whole family anticipates the fun of outdoor activities, different meals, special expeditions, and time together.
As in so many things, a bit of planning beforehand can be both fun and make a big difference to how the vacation goes. A few family conversations in the weeks leading up to your trip can set the scene for a happy vacation for everyone. You might start by jointly making a list of the jobs that will be needed at the cottage. You could all think together too about what jobs won’t need to be done, since it’s vacation. Then you could invite everyone to say one necessary job they usually do at home that they would like not to do on vacation! Spending time in someone else’s shoes can be pretty interesting, so a job swap can demonstrate what actually goes into someone else’s usual task, leading to greater appreciation.
Then you might say the important words, “It’s my vacation too!” to define that it’s everyone’s responsibility to make the vacation fun for all. Planning, cooking, shopping all offer chances to spend time together, precious time that may not usually be possible at home. Just because it’s connected to chores doesn’t mean it can’t be fun and meaningful. When you’re not in a hurry it’s likely to offer much more pleasure - no one has to nag or rush.
You don’t mention the ages of your kids, but it might be lots of fun if they’re old enough to give them the chance to make breakfast every day. How about defining a much broader than usual range of menu possibilities for them to work from? Experimenting with cheese and crackers or dip and veggies for breakfast may expand the repertoire for when you get home. And your children will have an opportunity to learn how to plan, select and serve a meal, along with the fun of surprising you each morning.
When you go home from vacation, you may take more with you than sandy towels and souvenirs. You will have memories of the shared pleasures of new experiences in a new place plus the shared pleasures of working together to take care of the family. What you and your children learn from that will carry over into the school year and build cooperation and responsibility.
Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through
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