Dear Kerry,
Some of my older relatives send presents to my children (10 and 6) for the spring holidays. Usually the gifts are geared for children who are actually younger, or are too old-fashioned for their taste. My kids protest about sending thank-you notes for these presents they don’t like, but I think the manners are important. Any tips on how to make this easier?
-ST, Cleveland

Dear ST,
Your children are presenting you with a genuine challenge and a wonderful learning opportunity. I agree with you that manners are always important, as they express respect and consideration for others - they are part of what knits society together. The big problem, though, is that manners are often equated with telling lies. “Sure,” everyone says, “but they’re just white lies. They’re harmless.”

Is it really harmless? Can children tell the difference between so-called ‘white lies’ and other categories? Let’s think about the impact on children of seeing and hearing adults frequently say something that is not true. The average adult tells lies in 20 percent of social interactions daily. That means they are lying to one in five of the people they speak to in the course of an ordinary day. And, 96 percent of children lie. I think those findings are connected.

Yet parents consistently place honesty at the top of their list of the values they hope for in their children, way ahead of other qualities like good judgment and confidence. Children, too, say that honesty is the most important. There is some kind of disconnect between the values expressed and the daily behavior. Children watch us and learn from our example. We seem to be giving them a mixed message.

How about if we think of ways to teach children to be polite and respectful, caring for others’ feelings while maintaining honesty? These don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Research demonstrates that children who are read the story of George Washington’s honesty (however mythical the actual story of the cherry tree may be) are much more likely to tell the truth subsequently. Most important is parents telling children that they will not punish them if they tell them honestly about infractions or troubles, just like George Washington’s father. Setting an example of honesty, day in and day out, reinforces the lesson and gives children models to follow.

Your children don’t have to lie when they write thank-you notes to their older relatives. They can sincerely say, “I was very happy that you thought of me on the holiday. Thank you so much.” The lesson is that people can say their feelings honestly. But they can also exercise restraint. The notes might also include bits of news, like, “I’m really enjoying being nearly through fifth grade - I will be going to middle school next year.” Your children can help their faraway family keep up, in ways that are genuinely friendly and informative.

Children from about the age of 5 can be expected to know the difference between thoughts and actions, including the action of saying things that have an impact on others. They can practice discretion. It can be fun and instructive to devise a game, for instance, standing in front of the fish tank, thinking lots of mean things about the fish, but keeping those feelings inside. “Don’t let the fish hear mean words or see a mean face - that would hurt his feelings. If it’s too hard, you can whisper them to me. Soon you will be strong enough to know what you are feeling, and decide what to say and what to keep inside.”

If we truly want our children to develop the character strengths of honesty and sincerity, we will have to start with ourselves and stop telling even white lies.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can e-mail her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.