Dear Kerry,
My children are 4 and 2. There are so many holidays throughout the year. How can I make those celebrations meaningful to my kids, instead of being something they have to sit through and endure, as I remember all too many times in my childhood? Sometimes I think my relatives expect far too much of my kids and their cousins.
-EP, California

Dear EP,
You are raising a fascinating question that touches us all, whatever our particular traditions may be. When you have children, you are not just creating your own family, but are joining a long line of forebears and descendants. By definition, you are part of something continuous, with the opportunity to preserve what you care about and create what is meaningful to offer your children going forward into their futures. 

The traditions you choose to honor may be ethnic, religious, cultural or community practices, but they all carry something of your past, your family’s history and hopes for continuity.

All too often, holidays are shadowed by memories of endless meals or services, having to sit through something hard or impossible to understand, with parents insisting on things they never usually seemed to care about. 

How many people have experienced their parents getting unusually upset, anxious or angry about behavior in church or synagogue, or at grandparents’ holiday table, or pushing their children to conform to customs on a special occasion that they did not honor every day at home? How many people have squirmed and struggled to stay well-behaved while the grownups talked on and on? 

This can be compounded when grandparents forget the needs of very young children and expect too much.

But it can be different, with a bit of thought, effort and planning. If you want a holiday to be meaningful to your child, first think of what it means to you. Ask yourself and your spouse what is important to you about the holiday - what does it mean to you, and what would you like your child to feel and know about it? 

Has there ever been a wider family discussion where different people shared their feelings and ideas about different holidays? It might surprise you and broaden your own perspective! One way to give your children a better experience is to host the event yourself. Then you can combine your family’s traditions with your own ideas and plans to make it work for your kids.

It’s a short step from defining the main meaning of the holiday for yourself to thinking about what you want your child to take away from it. If the most important meaning of Passover for you is how hard it actually is to choose freedom, or if Easter means that love is important no matter what its cost, how will you convey that to your young child? 

If the primary significance for you of such holidays is religious, how can you teach your child about ideas that may seem abstract and hard to understand, or may even be scary and difficult, like the violence and vindictiveness of the plagues visited upon the Egyptians in the Exodus story or the agony and torture of Christ in the Easter story?

A place to start is reminding yourself of your child’s age and stage of development. Many solve this challenge by relegating the kids to a “children’s table,” literally or figuratively, abdicating from the demand that they participate. 

But this sells the children short - they can understand more than you give them credit for, and there can be keen pleasure for them and you in bringing them into the center of the celebration. The earlier you bring them into full participation and ownership of the holiday, the stronger will be their investment in tradition and continuity.

Think about how you can convey what’s important to you in a way your child can understand at her level. You can do this by creating a story about the holiday and telling it over beforehand or finding a book about the holiday that rings true to you. Then the elements of the celebration will resonate with the story she has already heard, making it familiar and relevant. 

You can incorporate props, for instance, little animals and toys to represent the elements in a Passover seder. You mentioned sitting through long adult events - perhaps for your children, you can try to involve them just for a length of time they can comfortably manage. 

A children’s service is likely to be a better length for little ones than the adult observance. Small toys, snacks, preparation for what to expect and how long it will last - these will all help your children feel good about being there.

Most important of all is to convey your pleasure and the good feelings it gives you to be part of a larger celebration. When you are relaxed and willing to share whatever part your child can take in and master, with the idea that you will build from year to year, then your child will also enjoy the holiday and feel part of it.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can e-mail her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.