Moving with a baby - how to make it a smooth transition
Dear Kerry, My son Bennett is 14 months old and we have to move before the end of the month. I have been taking care of him 24/7 but now I will be starting a new, demanding job that will take me away from him for 50-60 hours a week. My mom is going to move in to take care of the baby, since my husband works too and often has to travel. With so much on our plates, we have been arguing about how to make this all happen. My husband wants to do it in one fell swoop and I want to have time to settle in. Any advice to smooth the way? KM, Ohio
Dear KM, You certainly do have a lot on your plates and a daunting change ahead of you, without much time to prepare. It sounds as if you and your husband have different styles of doing things, kind of like those who ease the band-aid off and those who rip it off quickly. In the band-aid situation, either one will do the trick, and the result is pretty much the same. But a huge family move, with a baby in the equation, is a different story.
It’s not surprising that everyone is full of feelings about this, nor that you are arguing with each other. Bennett is old enough to pick up the intense and angry feelings, and even to understand the words, so it’s important to protect him from being confused or distressed by the fighting. Big grownup feelings are too much for little ones to handle, and he will have plenty to deal with from inside. Keep the discussions for after his bedtime. But his capacity to understand is also very useful, since there are lots of ways you can use his growing language capacity to help him weather this change.
Babies begin understanding words around 6 months. The period of receptive language is long, however. It takes a lot of imagination (and patience) for parents to realize that their child, who may not be able to express himself and respond verbally until he is nearly two, is taking it all in. Even before their first birthdays, babies can make good use of explanations to understand what is going on, change directions, and be calmed and comforted. Between one and two, they learn to follow instructions, sometimes even doing two steps in the sequence. They remember what they have mastered and can use your words to focus on what’s important.
I recently watched a little guy Bennett’s age examine a new toy, where he could put a shape through a hole and open a little door to retrieve it. He figured it out by trial and error and beamed when he got the shape out. His mom put words to all his actions as he went along. Some time later, when he returned to the toy and again got the shape in the hole, he momentarily looked bewildered - where had it gone? His mom said, “If you open the door, you’ll find it.” He smiled, reached for the little handle, opened the door and gurgled with pleasure to see the shape waiting for him. She was amazed that he remembered how it worked and that using the words triggered his achievement. This play convinced her that he was getting it, that words were meaningful to him, and that his memory worked just fine.
How can we ensure that those growing new capacities to master experience stay available to Bennett and aren’t swamped by the massive changes ahead? A rule of thumb when there’s a lot going on is to try to reduce the number of changes at any one time. In other words, if you’re moving to a new place, try to have that be the only difference for a while. That will give him a bit of time to get used to new surroundings. Then your mom can arrive and spend time with him along with you, so she can learn your ways, and he can get used to a new caregiver in the familiarity and security of being with you.
When you start your new job, you can use his memory and his understanding to help him stay anchored amid so many changes. You can explain to him beforehand what is happening - tell him where you are going and when you will be back. “I’ll come home after you’re asleep and I’ll come in your room and give you a kiss.”
Your mom’s main job is to keep him safe and to keep his relationship with you alive in his mind and feelings. To do this she can show Bennett pictures of you at various times during the day. It would be nice to have one where he can see it from his crib, so he feels connected to you on sleeping and waking. His grandma can sing him songs you sing, saying also, “That’s the song you sing with Mommy, isn’t it? She sings ‘this little piggy’ too.” As he includes her more in his world, she can add in her own special songs and games with him, always remembering to keep you present, so that he can feel safe in his relationship with you. All these ideas are equally important in relation to his daddy, so Bennett can feel connected and attached.
There’s another challenge here - it’s hard for moms to leave their children, especially with such a dramatic change as you describe. It’s all too easy to deal with the missing, and maybe also a bit of guilty relief, by cutting yourself off mentally and emotionally from your child. But ‘out of sight, out of mind’ will make it too hard to reconnect at the end of the day and on weekends. Even thought it’s painful, it’s better for both of you to stay connected through love. Missing each other means you love each other and you will both grow used to enjoying the pleasures of your time apart and appreciating together times, as long as you keep the love alive.
Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through