No toys, no tech - just talk
Dear Kerry, The other night as I put dinner on the table I realized that my husband had just answered his cell phone, my middle-schooler was texting, and my fourth-grader was whining about a show he wanted to see. Basically I felt like no one was really present and certainly not with each other! Not where I want us to be, but it feels like I don’t know how to step back from this. Any ideas? JC, Ann Arbor
Dear JC, For a start I’m impressed that you are trying to have family meals. Many families have given up trying to mesh the busy schedules of day care, work, kids on teams, lessons and so forth. Your perception of everyone’s distraction sounds accurate and the challenge is to keep attention on the present, engage people with each other, and think about what functions you want your family meals to serve.
Food is a basic focus, a deep need and a representation, both actual and symbolic, of security and satisfaction in having needs met. So it’s not surprising that mealtimes can become a setting for conflict or an opportunity for reinforcing important dimensions of primary relationships. Conflicts can be hidden, so you may have to consider whether the rationale of practical interferences to family meals is actually a rationalization for avoiding togetherness, or the tech involvement is another form of avoiding contact.
It might be a lot simpler than that - your husband and children may not have developed the habit of using family meals to discover the pleasure of sharing experiences, or they may have fallen out of the habit. Then they are missing out in the moment on the interest and satisfaction of knowing that others are interested and can learn from each other’s lives, and in the longer term on the relationship-building that comes with knowing the details of each others’ daily lives.
The New York Times recently ran an important series of articles titled “Your Brain on Computers” (June 6-10,). Several of the pieces described the impact on children of parental tech involvement, with some serious effects, like vastly reduced language exposure, which we know affects later learning and relationships. You may want to look those up (nytimes.com) and follow the links to learn more about recent research in this area.
Here, though, we are looking at the day-to-day issue of creating a good setting for family meals. I think there are two ways you can affect the frustrating situation you described. One is by making a rule that cell phones, computers and TVs are off during meals for at least half an hour. People may grumble (even other grownups), but you can hang tough if you feel the human interaction is truly more important.
The second may be harder - it is to share yourself with your family. Parents sometimes forget that they can’t expect their kids to talk about the school day or their friends, much less their concerns, uncertainties and worries, unless parents set the example by doing it first. Dinner conversation has to be about something. When you share something funny that happened at work or tell about a project you were proud of, when you describe something interesting you heard on the radio or read in the paper, when you raise a question that is puzzling you - all these demonstrate to children the value of conversation. They will be learning how your mind works, what grabs your attention, what you feel strongly about, and you will be modeling how to share those things with others.
They will also learn by your example not to monopolize; you may sometimes have to gently remind your older child, “Johnny looks like he has something to ask you or to share about his day at nursery school.” Taking turns, asking intelligent questions that extend and elaborate the conversation, and listening attentively are all lessons that will be invaluable to your child in school, work and relationships lifelong.
It may be hard for some families to implement all these ideas in one fell swoop. You could start small, choosing a few nights a week to make sure you are all together for supper. As family meals become more fun and rewarding, the rest of the family will get on board to make them work, looking together at schedules and valuing the precious time together as you form stronger bonds of friendship, interest and affection.
Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through