Dear Kerry My 12-year-old wants to go out with her friends to an evening movie on Saturday night. I think that they are too young to be around the teenagers who hang out there on weekends. She says all the other parents think it’s fine and that we’re too strict and old-fashioned. I don’t know how to handle this and I don’t want to turn it into a fight. LV, Maryland

Dear LV, Kids aren’t the only ones vulnerable to peer pressure. None of us is comfortable if we feel out of step, even if it’s just the idea that other parents are all allowing something that doesn’t feel good to us. I think the first move is to talk to the parents of your daughter’s classmates and friends. Someone has to be brave enough to make the first phone call and risk sounding anxious or over-protective. Find out what other parents actually think and what ideas they have about what is safe and appropriate for middle-schoolers. You may be surprised to discover their relief that others are also uncomfortable with the push for youngsters to grow up super fast.

Once you have shared some worries with other parents, you will also be able to generate creative solutions to the genuine challenge your daughter is raising. How can you acknowledge the strides in responsibility and maturity that she and her friends are making, while helping them learn to pace their growing up? How can you protect them from the real dangers out in the world, while equipping them to keep themselves safe from inner and outer temptations? What would help you assess their street-smarts, their interpersonal savvy, their judgment under pressure? Thinking about these questions will sharpen your perceptions about your daughter, clarify your values for yourself, and point you toward a harmonious resolution.

If we go back to basics, we can also see that this dilemma is like lots of other moments of developmental transition. Even though each one feels unfamiliar at first, you already have lots of practice in how to help your child grow and acquire new strengths, building new emotional muscles to master progressive tasks. You can set goals, create strategies and practice solutions until the skills are firmly in place and everyone feels comfortable together at the new level.

With your 12-year-old, you share the goal of her exercising independence safely. You both want her to feel confidently in charge of herself in social situations, knowing what she can handle and when she should retreat or call for support or assistance from you. The same principles will apply to going to the ice rink, the football game, or parties. In practical terms, in relation to the Saturday night request, you might share these ideas with your daughter, and suggest that she and her friends accomplish their goals in stages. For instance, at this stage, they could go to a 5 o’clock show, buying tickets and snacks, choosing seats on their own, etc. Since someone will have to drive anyway, there could be a parent sitting elsewhere in the theater for the first time or two, in case they need anything. This gives parents a chance to observe the scene and gauge the safety and appropriateness of the crowd at that time.

Afterwards, maybe the next day, there can be a conversation about how it went. If the parent observed anything untoward, that could be mentioned with a question about what the kids thought. “I noticed some bigger boys horsing around by the games. They were getting kind of loud. When kids do that at school, how does it get handled? Who would deal with it at the movies? Would it affect anyone else?” You would probably be reassured by some comment like “They were just being stupid. I always stay out of the way when kids are doing that.” If your daughter doesn’t make some such remark, you might suggest that “There are usually some kids who don’t control themselves very well, especially when they are unsupervised. So it’s a good idea to just avoid them if possible, so you don’t get pulled in or get into trouble.” Despite talking in an assured way, pre-teens often don’t actually know what to do in all situations; advice, role-playing or a prescription may seem to be rejected in conversation, but remembered when needed.

A successful first expedition or two can be followed by the next step, an early show without a parent. Probably that is enough of a step until 10th grade or so, which leaves ample time for many conversations about staying in a group, dealing with older boys, sticking with the evening’s plans so adults know where you are, and so forth. A useful offer is to say, “You can always use me as an excuse if you are uncomfortable with something. I know it can be hard to say that straight out, so you can always say your mom won’t let you do that, or that you can’t go anywhere without your mom knowing where you are.” Teens can save face if they feel the need and you can talk together later about how to avoid such situations in the first place.

This relates to another, similar, situation that often arises first in the middle school years, when individual kids can be trusted to be home alone for some period of time. It is not safe, however, for groups of kids to be in a house without a grownup. In that case, there is no adult presence to support kids’ listening to their own consciences and using their own controls, no one to set limits or contain the situation, and group pressure can push pre-teens into risky behaviors. Youngsters often pull out their ultimate weapon if you enquire about the presence of a grownup at a party or someone’s house after school - “You can’t call to ask, Mom. I would be so embarrassed!”

Here is where parents’ working together can be very important. Make a bargain with the parents of your child’s friends that none of you will allow kids to be in your house unsupervised, that you will ensure that liquor is not accessible, and that you will all check that an adult will be home. Your child can’t be embarrassed if everyone else’s parents are phoning to check too!

Middle school is a very good time to lay groundwork for adolescence by fostering authentic communication and openness of exchange with your child. Parents sometimes have to do a bit of homework with themselves, being brave enough to bring up complex and loaded topics like sex, drugs, delinquency and so forth. It’s all going on around your child; she needs you to be aware and clear-sighted. Denial is dangerous. She also needs to feel you are on her side, that you will not scold or judge automatically, but really listen and think together with her, transforming your relationship from one where you had most of the answers to one where you will generate them together.

When you remind each other that you share the goal of her growing up and being in charge of herself, you may find it easier to share the same road map for getting there.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst and family consultant. You can reach her through AllenCreekPreschool.org, or you can email her your comments and questions for future columns.