Achieve and maintain a sense of inner peace.

If I could make just two resolutions for the New Year, they would be:

1) Achieve and maintain inner peace, and 2) Find out what’s making that noise in the basement.

If I could make three resolutions for the New Year, they would be:

1) Achieve and maintain inner peace. 2) Find out what’s making that noise in the basement. 3) Find out what’s making that smell in the minivan.

And—hold on. Should I put these in some sort of chronological order? Because I don’t think I can manage my first resolution until I take care of the other two.

So, a little rearranging would mean: I’ll find out about the noise in the basement. Then I’ll track down the minivan smell. Then I’ll achieve/maintain inner peace.

Or — darn it — will I?

If I’m being honest with myself, I’ll admit I took a giant step away from inner peace by allowing Santa to bring the drum set. And then there’s the fact that I won’t be able to relax—truly relax, in a Zen kind of way — until I finish sending out my Christmas cards.

So, again, new list:

1) Christmas cards. 2) Ear plugs. 3) Basement noise. 4) Minivan smell. 5) Inner peace.

Wait.

Two words are chasing each other around in my brain.

One is, “Overly.” The other is, “Simplistic.”

If I want to get this just right — and I do, don’t I? Best to start the year off properly—then I’ll actually need a much more thorough list.

Okay, okay. I’ve got it now. The list should look like this:

1) Ear plugs. They’ll make everything else easier. I’ll get them first.

2) I’ll whittle the Christmas card list to key players only. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier: A shorter list means I’ll be finished addressing envelopes in a fraction of the time! So, obviously, no card for Aunt Edna. That Paul guy is out. Also out: the babysitter who was never on time, the colleague who always called me “Helen,” and everyone whose last name begins with the letter R. (Sorry, Richardson family.)

3) I’ll find out what’s making the basement noise. a) If the noise is coming from the furnace, I’ll find a decent repair guy. b) If the noise is coming from mice living off of old Halloween candy, I’ll find a decent exterminator.

4) While I’m in the basement — ha! —I’ll get rid of all my stupid scrapbooking stuff. Really, who was I kidding? I’m never going to preserve our special memories using ribbons, glitter, and just the right stickers. And anyway, I think the mice might be nesting in the ribbons.

5) I’ll find out what’s making the smell in the minivan. Maybe. I mean, I want to and I don’t want to. Whatever it is, it’s probably pretty gross. If I find it, I’ll have to deal with it. So then 2010 is off to kind of a crummy start.

And — oh geez. I just had a dispiriting thought. What if I can’t figure out what’s making the basement noise? That would be so frustrating. Honestly, I never thought I’d wish for an infestation of rodents, but at least that would be an answer.

For crying out loud. I am feeling really frazzled. Like I have time for this! I’ve got a million things to do that aren’t even on the list! School newsletter! Vet appointment! Last year’s resolutions!

Forget what I said about being thorough — that was crazy talk. Now I’m thinking that 2010 should be all about streamlining. Paring down. Living in a manner that’s overly simplistic.

Here we go.

List of Resolutions for 2010

1) Learn to function without going into the basement ever again.

2) Sell the minivan.

3) The thing about the peace.

It’s going to be a great year.