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Dear Kerry, I have three kids, girls 4 and 6, and a 10-year-old son. Our older daughter has become quite worried about fires and tornadoes, probably due to the drills at school. Those are required and necessary, but she is afraid that something bad might be about to happen any time. How can we help her learn what to do, while calming her fears? KF, Ann Arbor

Dear KF, Summer is the season for severe weather in many parts of the country - kids have to cope with the real possibility of hurricanes, tornadoes, floods or severe thunderstorms. All year round fire drills and earthquake drills are part of school life. It’s not surprising that youngsters have trouble understanding the scale of the danger and why they have to prepare even if it’s never happened in their short lifetime.

Let’s think first about why we have fire drills etc. at home and at school. (Okay, everybody - here’s the pitch for practicing escape routes and procedures at home! Bad things don’t only happen during school hours.) I think the goal is to help children practice promptly following the instructions for actions that will keep them safe. The idea is that practice will make this happen when we need it, should an emergency arise.

Grownups are afraid of natural disasters and dangers like fire for good reason. We take them seriously, because we know they are truly dangerous. So there are actually two challenges. We have to equip ourselves with routines and plans, so that we can control our own fear. Only then will we be able to help children respond constructively to both the practice and the actuality, if it occurs.

Firefighters, police, EMTs, and soldiers all practice repeatedly, so that they can spring into action when needed. They know they will know what to do, which is a tremendous reassurance to them and to us, who will benefit from their calm and expertise. But what about us civilians? And what about our children? How do we balance the importance of preparedness with the danger of insecurity?

Balance may be the key goal. We want our children to be realistically aware of the dangers that can happen, but we also want them to have a generally hopeful and optimistic security in the feeling that we can keep them safe and that their world is unlikely to be turned upside down.

We don’t have to present our children with an idealized image of ourselves or an unrealistic rosy picture of the world. Children feel most secure when they can trust in their parents’ and teachers’ competence. They need to know that we know what to do if something goes wrong. I can remember sitting my youngest at 15 months on the grass by the side of the road while I changed a flat tire. She was perfectly content, because she could see and feel that I knew what I was doing. Once the job was finished, we proceeded on our way, and she beamed while I told the story to the rest of the family at supper.

Fire and severe weather drills can be handled the same way at home and at school. There are different ways to explain and structure them, depending on the age of your child. For preschoolers, who are able to have some sense of time by the age of 3 or 4, you can state, “Usually dangerous things don’t happen, but we want to make sure that we know what to do if there is a fire (or a tornado, or a hurricane, and so forth). That way we will all be safe.” If your child gets worried, you can say to her over several days, “Today everything was fine. Dangerous things almost never happen, and we know how to keep ourselves safe. You don’t have to think about it every day, since we have practiced what to do.”

For a schoolchild, who may hear about disasters from others or overhear the news, a more advanced version of the same conversation can be effective over time. An older child can also be helped by looking together at the map so that she can see how far away the tornadoes or hurricanes were. And you can help her learn about the difference between pretending something can’t happen -- in other words, teach her not to deny reality - and, on the other hand, when it is realistic to focus on current daily life, rather than on things she can’t control, but can deal with if they arise. Feeling effective where we can and accepting that preparation and skills are the best we can do in other circumstances are useful life lessons, which fire drills help everyone learn.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can email her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.