Dear Kerry,
I just found out that my 16-year-old drank beer at a party with some of his friends. I am angry that the other parents were not supervising adequately and disapprove of the kids doing something illegal. But I am also very upset that my son engaged in this behavior secretly, hoping I wouldn’t learn of it. It makes me wonder what else is going on and what to do about communication.
-HM, Saline

Dear HM,
Secrets between teenagers and adults are a symptom of a general problem in our society as well as a wake-up call to parents. It’s painful to parents to discover that kids are hiding various behaviors, and it erodes trust in an important relationship. It also makes grownups very worried about their teenagers’ safety!

For the last few generations, our society has operated with the idea that adolescence is supposed to be a time of rebellion — to the point where parents and kids may think something is wrong if a teenager isn’t fighting with his parents and/or indulging in all kinds of secret, wild activities. In fact, secrecy promotes a phony rebellion. A teen can feel like a big shot who breaks the rules, but he doesn’t have to take real responsibility for his attitudes and actions if he keeps them hidden. What kind of rebel are you if you don’t state your position and defend it against the arguments of others?

Instead of pitting the generations against each other in a secret war, how about considering a completely different way of relating? What if we held ourselves accountable as adults to justify our rules, regulations and laws? What if we held teenagers accountable for their ideas? What if we discussed them together? Everyone might end up with some changed opinions and some shared attitudes. At worst, we might agree to disagree in a climate of increased respect.

What do you think would happen if you kept an open mind and asked your son and his friends to sit down and explain to you why they think it was okay to drink at the party? The hard part is likely to be getting yourself to listen with an open mind and examine their arguments on their merits, rather than reacting with a knee-jerk no on the basis of what you have always thought.

Health educators have learned, however, that simply offering facts about the dangers of smoking or drinking or unprotected sex has little effect. Teenagers rarely change their behavior by being scared with horror stories. Grownups too often leave out the fact that there is pleasure connected with these behaviors. Kids listen better when adults are realistic and acknowledge that cigarettes, alcohol and sex make people feel good. If we are honest about that, they trust us more when we describe the downsides.

This might be the beginning of an important dialogue between you. Parents and teenagers can make a pact. You could say, “I promise that I won’t blow up or scold or punish. I respect your right to your opinion, and I want to listen to your position and think about it. In turn you have to listen to mine and consider it seriously. We’ll talk about this until we can come to a shared policy.” Then parents and kids can each bring to bear their feelings, opinions and values.

A crucial component of such a discussion is some hard data. You can research the topic together, for instance, looking up information on the impact of alcohol on body and mind, statistics on drinking at different ages in various countries with different laws, accident figures that relate to drinking, and so forth. Everyone will learn something and define parameters together.

A bottom line position that most parents and kids can agree on involves drinking and driving, as long as you can reassure your son that you won’t get mad. Here parents can be truly helpful and supportive of responsible behavior, saying “No matter what time it is, you can always call me if you need a ride home. I won’t get mad, and there will be no questions asked and no lectures given that night. The next day, we’ll talk about it. But the most important things are to never drive if you have been drinking and to never get in a car with someone else who has, either.”

Another ingredient of such a discussion will be the more general topic of peer pressure and social insecurity. If your son says that it’s hard to be the odd one out who doesn’t have a beer, you might suggest that no one will even notice whether he’s drinking if he makes a choice for himself and has a pop can, instead, in his hand.

Little by little, you can make a difference to building a relationship of openness and trust with your nearly-grown-up child and change a social misunderstanding about what is genuinely helpful to teenagers as they transform their relationships to adults.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council. She is a founder of Allen Creek Preschool and author, with Jack Novick, of “Emotional Muscle,” available at http://www.xlibris.com or buildemotionalmuscle.com. You can reach her through your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.