Dear Kerry,
My 11-year-old is often cruel to his younger brother. I realize now that I shouldn’t have dismissed this as ordinary sibling stuff. This morning he punched his brother really hard over something trivial, and I don’t know where to start with this.
-FT, Detroit

Dear FT,
This sounds painful and worrying to you. Both kids are at risk when physical violence and other cruel behaviors come into the picture. It’s not good for a child to be bullied, and it’s not good for a kid to be a bully, since a pattern of unequal relationships can be set. When children, teens or grownups base their self-esteem on putting other people down or dominating them, the problems escalate.

The alternative depends on finding other ways to feel good. That can be a long process of rebuilding ways to interact. There are many opportunities for working on a more solid base of competence and kindness. Helping your boy consolidate his real skills will be key to creating alternative pathways for him.

But, in the meantime, you have to get a handle on the behavior and stop your older boy from mistreating his brother. Parents are the biggest influence on children and the front line in changing their behavior. You may need guidance and support from a professional to make detailed changes in how your household handles behavioral challenges, but there are things to do in the meantime to make use of this opportunity for change.

It won’t be easy, but you can sit down with your spouse and set some step-wise goals for both boys. Spell out what behaviors you will tolerate and what crosses the line. Often just talking about this reveals that there has been some vagueness about what is acceptable. Children pick up when grownups are fuzzy, and your boys may need concrete descriptions, for instance, “You are never allowed to hit, punch, pinch or kick each other.” You can also talk to them about how words become equivalent to actions and how no one in your family is allowed to call names or put others down.

Of course your son will challenge these guidelines. He is already in a pattern of angry defiance, not knowing alternative ways to handle his feelings. Many counsel punishment at this point. I suggest that you think about this as what he needs to show you so that you regain trust in his capacity to restrain his angry impulses and control his behavior. Here you might use the ‘grownup’ things he values as leverage. Having a cell phone or an iPod or access to a computer may all be things he uses to feel cool. But a boy who can’t manage his feelings is not a person who can responsibly use costly gadgets or choose wisely about what he accesses on the computer.

A first step in the long path toward learning to control his impulses may come through your removal of all devices and screen time until he can show that he can find other ways to use his anger as a signal to solve a problem, rather than as permission to lash out. After several weeks of better behavior, he might be able to have some limited access as a trial.

Most big kids relish being able to sit in the front seat of the car. If your older boy can’t keep himself and his brother safe, the front seat is not a place he is ready for. He may need a month sitting in the back, reminding himself of safety for all, before he can once again enjoy the front seat. These lessons will not be lost on your younger boy, who needs your support to stick up for himself and ask for help when needed. But he will also see that imitating his apparently powerful older brother doesn’t get a kid very far.

Many children who lock themselves into a pattern of bullying or being bullied are experiencing a lot of internal pain; they hide it out of shame and bravado. Parents can do a lot, but most children in that situation need professional help to carefully and respectfully gain access and insight into the underlying troubles.

I hope you and your boys find your way to helpful support and eventually to a stronger, more loving relationship.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council. She is a founder of Allen Creek Preschool and author, with Jack Novick, of “Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children,” available through http://www.buildemotionalmuscle.com and at amazon.com. She welcomes your email with comments and questions for future columns at kerrynovick@gmail.com. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.