Parenting on Facebook: Which of these eight types are you?
But I've noticed not everyone Facebook parents in the same way, not even on the same day. So I've taken the liberty of putting together a list of some of the types and styles of parents you might find in your friend list:
1. Super Moms. They tend to post in the very early hours of the morning ("14-mile workout done, now on to whip up a fresh veggie strata before taking the kids to Japanese class! Growing my own hydroponic produce saves soooooo much time! Konichiwa, friends!") or very late at night ("What a day!!! Had to finish sanding and varnishing the scenery for the preschool play before work and was late for my big lunch meeting! Who knew three former presidents could get so snippy?")
The Super Moms make me laugh, mostly because I'm completely certain life on the other side of the status update is not nearly as perfect as it may seem. Unfortunately, the Super Moms seem to be coming at parenthood from a competitive (albeit passive aggressive) place, which can bring out the insecurities (and the claws) in the best of us.
I try to hold back, but sometimes I admit to firing back out of spite with a Slacker Mom comment of my own ("Baby is eating three-day old peas coated with dirt off the floor. Bonus: extra fiber!" or "Someone remind me, is letting your child run with a staple gun also a no-no, or is it just scissors?").
2. Way TMI Moms. I'm pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg never imagined the level of sharing his social network would create, but for some reason this group feels the need to let it ALL out. "Send good thoughts our way- Hubby's finally having that hemorrhoid procedure today and that sucker is the size of a concord grape!" AHHHH! STOP! And for the love of all that is private, step away from the Mobile Uploads! Boundaries, my friends. We all need them, even on Facebook.
3. New Moms. As new of a parent as you might be, and as lost as you may feel, someone out there is newer and lost-er. It's all a matter of perspective. So when New Mom posts that she's packing up to take her 8-week-old baby to the park for the first time and is terrified, go ahead and comment. New Mom will benefit from your experience, and you will benefit from not feeling like such a clueless moron for three seconds of your day.
And when New Mom complains about never being able to get anything done despite the fact she has just one child--who naps--you will want to yell, "Seriously???" But hold back, because we have all been there and done that. Which brings me to...
4. BTDT Moms. They have Been There, Done That, and the phrase tends to dominate their comments. Your post that your baby puked on your favorite suit as you were rushing to work. "Yup, been there, done that." Up all night with a feverish child. "Been there, done that, still doing that 10 years later!" Your toddler painted some lovely "artwork" on the bathroom wall while making a "deposit" on the potty? "Been there, done that, buy stock in Clorox ASAP." That's the amazing thing about parenthood: no matter how stressful, how disgusting, how difficult it gets (and it certainly does), all those who went before us are proof that it is completely survivable.
5. The Sanctimommies. They have a strong opinion on every aspect of raising a child, with supporting evidence and a citation from a parenting book to back it up. They are preachy, preachy preachy and judgy, judgy judgy. Most of the time they make me want to hurl, but occasionally they raise a valid point. Very occasionally.
6. Non-Moms. They will LOL at your funny child stories, they will OMG at your adorable baby pics. And bless their child-free hearts, they will remind you that there is in fact a world where everyone wipes his/her own butt and that "date" is not necessarily preceded by "play." You, in turn, will be their best form of birth control.
7. Dads. It's 2010 and certainly we've made great strides toward equality of the sexes, but it's still amazing how little a man needs to do on the domestic front for us to ooh and ahhh over his accomplishments. "Took the kids to school today" will instantly generate at least seven "likes." When Dad so much as hints that he is attempting to put in a barrette in his little girl's hair, the heavens open up. Just roll your eyes and hold your tongue. They're sensitive creatures who require lots of encouragement.
8. Your own mom. Yes, she will have trouble navigating the site (When my mom received a number of birthday greetings on her wall, she angrily accused me of letting the cat out of the bag, unaware that her friends all saw it on their news feeds) and yes, she will comment on all your pics in her own special way (THE KIDS ARE GETTING SO BIG WHY DON'T YOU EVER BRING THEM TO SEE ME I GOT SOME BANANAS FROM COSTCO FOR A VERY GOOD PRICE I WILL SAVE YOU SOME LOVE MOM), but there's something very circle-of-life-ish to having your mom in your social network. Enjoy it, be entertained by it and be thankful she's still around to drive you crazy.
So what's my parenting profile pic? Maybe a little bit of each (aside from those that are genetically impossible) on any given day, in any given status or comment thread. For me, Facebook is about as social as I want to get about parenting.
On Facebook, I have 717 friends, many of whom are moms. In the "real" world I don't (largely by choice) associate much with other moms. I don't do Moms' Groups, playgroups or support groups. I don't have any desire to do lunch with the ladies and dish about our kids. I know there are many women who crave and need that kind of interaction- I just don't happen to be one of them.
Perhaps it will change as my kids get older, but right now I still feel like a novice in this parenting adventure, and I've always preferred to fly solo. Facebook allows me to have it my way. When I'm online and the judgy judgers start getting too judgy, I "hide" them. This is not so easily done over grilled cheese sandwiches.
When it starts feeling like every mom is more accomplished, more productive, more everything than I am, their children so much more whatever than mine, I log off. In the real world I watched two moms nearly come to blows over a sign-up list outside the preschool classroom and wanted to run screaming and never return.
Social networking gives me the outlet I need to vent, to laugh and to share, but on my terms, and I think I'm a better parent as a result. Maybe that's not reality, but this is: Parenting is hard work, and right now I get by with a little help (or maybe a lot, depending on my mood) from my (Facebook) friends.
Mona Shand is a radio and TV news reporter and a Facebook-aholic. You can read more on her blog.
Comments
Anna
Wed, Nov 3, 2010 : 9:30 p.m.
I found this column to be really mean-spirited and not at all useful in terms of advancing conversation around parenting issues, which I thought was the point of the Parenting posts on annarbor.com. I take issue with not only your Dads commentary that other commenters have already talked about, but also your "TMI Moms". It's pretty easy to "hide" a Facebook Friend who is irritating you for one reason or another, after all -- or even to "unfriend" them if they're that annoying to you! I would guess that most people don't have more than 700 friends on Facebook, so maybe they're not thinking that their FB "friends" are going to be mocking them on other websites! (Wow, it's like high school mean girls all over again, isn't it!) A lot of the moms I'm friends with on FB do share a lot of personal sort of stuff - because it's among friends! That's sort of the whole point of having friends, yeah? To share the good, the bad and the ugly and offer support, etc.
Mona Shand
Fri, Oct 1, 2010 : 1:23 p.m.
@Tammy- ooh, I forgot about the Lurkers! That's actually how I began my FB "career"... but now I'm clearly out of the shadows! @Rachel & Angela V- I'm happy you were able to get a giggle- we all need them! @Stefan- nice to hear from a homedaddy, thanks for that! @krc- I confess, before I had kids of my own I was a bit of a SactiNotAMom... oh, how different life is on the other side of the diaper pail! @janawritesalot- a big piece of annarbor.com is the idea that it is a community forum and a conversation, so we are in fact encouraged to comment on our own writing. I did address Kirk's concerns to the best of my ability, and then I made a joke. (At least I attempted to!) I am a sarcastic person by nature (shocking, I know!) and that's not going to change. I'm curious if you think it's appropriate for Kirk (or anyone else) to be sarcastic in their comments?
krc
Fri, Oct 1, 2010 : 11:04 a.m.
Sanctimom is a hoot! But SO hard to deal with. Along the same lines, there's the dreaded SanctiNotaMom. They are the worst, but it comes back to slap them in the face with a musty dishrag as soon as they have a child. A defining characteristic of this Mom is the "My Child Will Never Do That!!" statement. Oh yes he or she will! And with soggy diapers on!
Stefan Szumko
Fri, Oct 1, 2010 : 10:12 a.m.
As a homedaddy and semi-professional, I've certainly posted my fair share of information on Facebook that certainly fits each one of your profiles at any given time. I do appreciate your humorous perspective on this new form of connecting with the outside world. Thanks, Mona, for taking the time to reflect on this facet of my everyday life.
janawritesalot
Fri, Oct 1, 2010 : 9:41 a.m.
@Mona I don't think it's fair to treat Kirk's comments and concerns sarcastically. I'm not a man or a parent and I still found the "Dads" entry to be offensive. I also don't think it is a good company policy for the author of a story to make comments on their own work. I think it's too hard for writers to separate themselves from feeling personal about their writing. He shouldn't feel bad about sharing his concerns with the Dads section, and the author shouldn't make him feel like his comment isn't grounded by a legitimate concern. Besides, the fathers generalization wasn't the only one that seemed unfair. I'm not without a sense of humor and I get that you're trying to make cheap funnies out of different Facebook personalities, but the tone of the column is very much "us vs. them." I'm afraid that those who read it and A) aren't your Facebook friends, or B) fall into any of the "generalized" categories aren't going to find this as funny as you think it is.
Angela Verges
Fri, Oct 1, 2010 : 9:18 a.m.
You got a chuckle out of me. Sometimes we have to relax and not take life so seriously. Humor is one way to accomplish that. Keep writing.
Rachael Isaacson
Thu, Sep 30, 2010 : 5:26 p.m.
Great story Mona! I love it!
Tammy Mayrend
Thu, Sep 30, 2010 : 3:39 p.m.
Mona I loved the story (bet I can guess which one you lump me into) thankfully I CAN laugh at myself and the generalizations, er observances you have seen with your Facebook experiences. I think you forgot the LURKER though who reads everything you write, never commenting on Facebook but who calls you the moment she/he needs to know what your post meant, or who comments, "Oh yea I read that and was meaning to ask you..." Humor is humor. I'm just glad we all have the ability to write about, and laugh at, our life experiences!
Mona Shand
Thu, Sep 30, 2010 : 3:32 p.m.
@Angie- thank you for that, so glad you're staying in touch from your current location! @Kirk- Clearly we don't all share the same sense of humor. I never said that fathers were incompetent, only that they are applauded (in my experience on Facebook) for things that most mothers are not. As I said before, I hope that your experience is different! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go have a good long cry. You see I'm a very sensitive creature....
Kirk
Thu, Sep 30, 2010 : 3:23 p.m.
Have we made great strides toward equality of the sexes? It's amazing how easily and with how little consideration a columnist can drop a sexist barb into the end of a column for a cheap laugh. If you don't like being treated in a sexist, generalized and demeaning manner, maybe you should show a little respect to fathers out there, because the door swings both ways. Light hearted or no, a generalization about all mothers being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen would be no less offensive. Fathers being involved in the lives of their children isn't a cute joke. We're not incompetent - we're real parents and what we do is every bit as valuable to our children. But maybe I shouldn't expect so much, columnists are sensitive creatures, desperate for approval who rely on time honored stereotypes of men and women to inspire cheap laughs. (You see it is funny, because men don't know anything about their children and our efforts to care for a child are comical at best.)
Angela Smith
Thu, Sep 30, 2010 : 2:34 p.m.
Mona, yours are always some of my very favorite facebook posts! Thanks for sharing your parenting thoughts and humor with all 717 of us! I love facebook for moms -- it's like any new baby equipment; how did we ever manage before it??
Mona Shand
Thu, Sep 30, 2010 : 1:52 p.m.
@justaposter- I'm glad you got a laugh, that was the goal. :-) @Alica Taylor- Male bashing was not the goal. I'm not saying that I think Dads are all the same, and I'm blessed to have wonderful ones in my life. But in my opinion, and in my online experience (and this was a whole slew of generalizations!) this is how many dads are perceived on Facebook. I hope your experience is different! If I'm guilty of bashing anyone, it's women- many times over- but again, I was just trying to make some light hearted generalizations and the list is certainly not exhaustive (nor are the categories mutually exclusive!).
Alicia
Thu, Sep 30, 2010 : 12:03 p.m.
I thought these were pretty much right on target - till she got to the part about the dads. Why is male bashing so accepted today? Obviously, she felt compelled to have separate groups of moms because none are the same -- as such, not all dads should be lumped together either.
justaposter
Thu, Sep 30, 2010 : 10:02 a.m.
Hilarious! Belly laughing all the way. I know people in each and every one of those categories.