Stand by or speak up when you see a child being mistreated?

Dear Kerry,
I read your column in the newspaper and hope you can give me some advice. All too often I see an angry parent spanking, striking and/or berating a small child in the mall, grocery store, etc. This type of thing really sickens me. Is there any reasonable way for an outsider to do anything without causing more of a problem for the parent or child?
DK, Ann Arbor

Dear DK,
This is such an important question. It speaks to our responsibility as a society to care for all our children and to help parents do the best job they can. Everyone probably agrees on those ideals, but the challenge comes in real, daily life when we are faced with the types of situations you describe.

Anyone who sees or knows of serious maltreatment of a child has a legal (and moral) responsibility to report it to Child Protective Services or the police. If you see someone striking a child hard enough to leave a mark, abusing a child verbally, or neglecting basic physical or emotional needs - these are all good reasons for making the phone call. Reports can be kept anonymous.

But seeing a mother yanking her child’s arm, dragging him behind her in the supermarket parking lot while she yells at him, may not be as clear cut. You have no way of knowing whether it happens all the time or is a single bad moment for them both. Either way, though, it matters. So what can you do? What can guide your choice to act, be a passive bystander, or look away?

There is a vast historical and research literature that addresses the interaction among perpetrators, victims and bystanders. Many of the studies focus on the impact of bullying on both the bully and the target. But all modern work agrees that these situations don’t happen unless the rest of the people around do nothing. Your question challenges all of us to find a better solution, to move out of the passive position and try to change a bad situation.

Someone will be embarrassed no matter how you respond. An angry parent is vulnerable to humiliation and therefore may react with rejection or worse at that very moment. That might be embarrassing for you. Even if that happens, though, there are two good results in that scenario. One is that the parent will have to reflect at some point on what happened. Secondly, and most important, the child will know he is not alone, that there are grownups who have different ideas and aren’t afraid to speak up.

If the child has been misbehaving, the intervention of another grownup makes clear that such behavior doesn’t go unnoticed. That child may try harder to behave the next time. The parent may feel supported by the idea that someone else cares enough to intervene.

Given that scenes of “spanking, striking or berating” don’t happen unless both parent and child are at the end of their ropes, it seems that what they may both need most at such times is a helping hand. That’s the way I suggest you could approach it. You could walk a bit nearer and ask, “Is there anything I could do to help?” Your caring may cut through the anger and defuse the parent’s fear of being judged negatively. Even if the parent refuses or rejects your concern, the kind words have been spoken, the positive, active gesture has been made, and those will register.

Our state offers a license plate that says “Children - just love ‘em.” I don’t think just loving is enough. Children need active care from all the adults in the community, and their parents need practical support in a network of relationships with other adults. Being brave enough to speak up to someone in the supermarket parking lot puts you into that community of caring adults who want to do something real for children and their parents.

I hope that readers join the conversation to pool understanding and ideas as we work together to address the needs of all children and parents.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can e-mail her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.

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