Now that school is in full swing, how’s your morning routine going? Do you hear some variation of this tape running every day?

“Get dressed. . . you’ve got to eat breakfast. . .brush your hair. . . do you have your homework? . . . don’t forget your lunch. . . did you brush your teeth?. . .remember, I'm picking you up today. . . “

Now, don’t you think, after hearing this tape several hundred days a year, our children (or spouses?) would know what to do in the morning without our constant reminders? Maybe not. If we constantly remind them, there’s no need to remember on their own. And whose fault is it when they get to school without lunch? Ours, of course. We didn’t remind them enough. Sheesh!

There’s a simple phrase that helps me stop the nagging: Check Yourself. It works like this:

1. Set expectations
2. Provide a system for success
3. Say, “check yourself” and hold your tongue
4. Let the consequences do the teaching
5. Enjoy your coffee

This works wonders for kids of all ages. When my kids were 4, 6, and 9, we created a simple checklist for morning, after school, and bedtime routines, with fun pictures the younger ones could "read" easily. We discussed how this system would make life easier for me and for them. I posted it on the door, and when I was tempted to start nagging, I would just say, “check yourself” or “"check the list." It took some time to adjust, but soon they learned to take on responsibility for the routine.

The critical piece is this: If they forget something on the list, we have to let the consequence happen. So if he forgets his homework, the response sounds like, “Bummer. What are you going to do about that?" Empathy is important, but I try to do it without "shoulds" and "I told you sos." I need to let my child be frustrated with his forgetfulness, not my blaming. If I decide to rescue him (which I’ll admit I do about once a season), I'm fully aware that I'm delaying the lesson until the next time.

Chick Moorman, a parenting educator who taught me this trick, puts it like this:

Rescue once? You’re a nice mom. Rescue twice? It becomes an expectation. Rescue three times? Congratulations. You have a new job.

I hope to teach my children to self-monitor and take on little responsibilities as they grow. Also, I’m lazy and don’t want to do all the work around here.

Do we still have chaotic, crazy mornings? Of course we do. I mess this up a lot. But when I’m using this strategy, it works for me. I hope it works for you too.

Pam Stout empathizes with fellow parents navigating crazy mornings and offers support and encouragement through Practical Parent Workshops. She's leading a parenting series this October through Ann Arbor Community Education and Recreation. She also writes about life and its adventures at BeyondJustMom.com. photo credit: bookgrl