Help children feel good about their bodies when you talk to them about sexuality

Dear Kerry,
This may be a hard topic, but I have been reading some articles that make me wonder about how to react to my children touching themselves. I don’t want to ruin their sex lives when they’re grown up, but I’m not comfortable with complete freedom. Aren’t they too young (3 and 5) to have sexual feelings? I worry about too much exposure for when they’re teenagers.
-JL, Colorado

Dear JL,
Probably all parents puzzle on these topics, since children always confront us with their body feelings and behaviors, whether we’re ready for it or not. I really appreciate you writing in about it, since many people are uncomfortable about childhood sexuality and masturbation. But when we don’t think and talk about things, they can become harder to handle and may turn into a bigger deal than they need to.

Part of the problem relates to how different people define sex. Many grownups think of sex only in terms of adult relations, separating it from the wider range of pleasurable body feelings. Most development scientists, on the other hand, include a broader spectrum of body experiences under the heading of sexuality, which can help us toward a sensible attitude to children.

Your worry about later effects of suppressing your children is accurately based on long-established knowledge that making people hate their bodies or feel ashamed of their wishes and sensations can spread to their feelings about their whole selves. Little children don’t make the sharp distinction between their bodies and themselves that adults do. So we want them to feel good about their bodies and know that we cherish them.

All the care you give your babies is part of the powerful message that you love them. Think of babies kicking and gurgling on the changing table, waving their arms and legs — they are clearly having a wonderful time (even when it makes it hard to change their diaper!) using their bodies. They are feeling their muscles working, enjoying nice cream on their skin and, when they put their thumb or fingers into their mouths, we can all see how good that feels. Babies use that specific pleasure to learn their body boundaries and to soothe and comfort themselves.

Toddlers and preschoolers have the big job of learning to be in charge of their actions and feelings. Owning their bodies is a central part of taking responsibility for oneself, and it’s part of how your child will keep himself safe later on. They are learning to take care of toileting, tooth-brushing, feeding themselves, making big feelings the right size, and so forth. They also take charge of giving themselves pleasure. Your 3- and 5-year-olds are doing what is normal for young children growing into themselves.

But that doesn’t mean they don’t need you to set limits in this area, as in many others. Like most things, the extremes aren’t good for children. Learning that body pleasures are private is an important step in itself. You can say, “I know it feels good to touch yourself, but that’s something people enjoy in private. You may do that in your room, but not in the kitchen (or the store or the park).”

It’s also a good idea to keep track of how much your children are going into their rooms for private pleasure. Sometimes children overuse masturbation for comfort — then they need parents to talk with them about what else they may be worried about. It’s important to keep sexuality part of healthy pleasure and not let it get connected with anxiety or insecurity. That can lead to older kids using sex to meet other needs.

When you have helped your young children feel good about their bodies in general and use private excitement and pleasure in moderation, along with conveying your values and teaching making good judgments, you probably won’t have to worry about too much teen sexuality. Children whose parents practice talking with them about ‘difficult’ topics from early on usually feel confident that they can check in with parents even when they are teenagers, facing bigger challenges and impulses with internal strength.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, and author, with Jack Novick, of “Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children,” available at amazon.com or through http://www.buildemotionalmuscle.com. She welcomes your email with comments and questions for future columns at kerrynovick@gmail.com.