Dear Kerry, I am a parent of young children and have read countless parenting books that often contradict one another. One of the areas in which I find myself hopelessly confused is how to utilize praise. For example, some books extol praise as an essential tool in the parenting arsenal for reinforcing behavior, others recommend avoiding praise at all costs and relying on observation only, while a third group suggest a middle ground of making praise observation-specific ("what a great picture” vs. "you used red and blue in that picture" vs. "I really like how you used red and blue in that picture.")

In addition, there appears to be new research that states that praise can have the opposite effect from what one is trying to achieve. Children who were praised for effort were more persistent when challenged. So, in light of these conflicting views, what's a parent to do? I also find it difficult to overcome my own tendency to use adjectives like good, smart, etc., with my kids because they are easy demonstrations of love. How does one avoid the use of what are essentially empty compliments? JH, Illinois

Dear JH, Thank you so much for setting out the issue so fully. You have clearly given it a lot of thought and research, and it deserves a thoughtful approach, since so many of our interactions with children involve responding to what they have done, or said, or made. What’s the most constructive answer? What will build your child’s self-esteem and teach her how to make realistic judgments about what’s good?

As always, we have two basic ideas to include as we think about praise. One is that there isn’t only one right answer. And the other is to always keep your goals in mind as you decide your approach.

There are probably times when each of the answers you describe would be appropriate. When your 3-year-old beams and says, “I made this just for you, Mommy,” it would be strange not to say, “How wonderful! You know I like purple and you put lots of purple on this page!” The bonus teaching would be to also say, “It makes me so happy that you thought of my favorite color to make a picture that is specially for me. Thinking about what the other person likes is what big girls do.” That way you are encouraging empathy as well as enjoying her gift.

It gets harder when your 4-year-old works to draw a horse and then is miserable because he is old enough to know that it doesn’t look much like a real horse. Do you go for the brutally realistic judgment, “Yeah, it looks like a dog?” Do you fudge your response with “Nice work?” Do you argue with his assessment, with “No, I think it’s great, I can see it’s a horse”? Your goal is to encourage him to persist at a new skill, to accept imperfection but strive to do better.

So you might say, “Wow, you got so many parts of the horse! I can see you put in a head, a tail, four legs, and a body. And he’s brown and white - I like his socks. I think next time you draw one, you’ll have even more parts if you make his neck a little longer. Horses are hard to draw and you’re learning.”

I agree with you about ‘empty compliments.’ I would even take the argument further and wonder about any labeling at all. It’s easier to think about if we first consider negative labels. Very few parents would dream of calling their kids ‘stupid’ or ‘ugly.’ It would be mean and it’s also not true, since no one is only one thing.

Labels impose a characteristic and define a person according to some else’s point of view. Positive labels can be just as harmful as the mean ones, since they make a kid feel she has to live up to the label to get the love. If you constantly call her ‘smart,’ how will she deal with a hard new math concept that she can’t understand immediately? Will she think that means she’s stupid and stop trying, or say “I don’t like math”? Very possibly.

So those ‘compliments’ are not really loving. Instead, when she says or does something amazing or delightful, consider saying “I really enjoyed what you just said! I never thought of it that way. I do like to talk with you.” Then you are feeding back to her an honest response that describes you, not her. She can get an authentic good feeling from her positive impact on others.

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and is a founder of Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can email her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.