The Sunday after Thanksgiving: The post-holiday debriefing
We love our family, but sometimes we are all just ready to pile into the car and go home. Three of my children: Niu Niu, Nico DiDi, Hao Hao (top to bottom).
Frances Kai-Hwa Wang | Contributor
Let me preface this by saying my children attend a school named Martin Luther King Jr. Elementary. They know about racism and they know about resistance. Three of the four children are strong and tough girls, so much so that Little Brother
used to once put his head down and cry cried, “I don’t have any Girl Power.” Add on that their mother is a writer on multicultural issues and a civil rights activist who speaks out on behalf of others. We are not easy people to have over for dinner.
In addition, we are also old school Chinese American and so exceedingly polite and well-mannered.
So what to do when we find ourselves far away from home with people we do not know that well who surprise us with racist, sexist, homophobic, stereotyped, or other intolerant comments that do not agree with our beliefs?
The last thing I want to do is start a big fight around the Thanksgiving table, especially when it is Thursday and we have 4 more days to go. I know I will never change my 97-year-old grandfather’s beliefs. I know that Auntie X is and always will be eccentric. I also prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt when I think that they do not realize the full impact of what they are saying (I was trained as a philosopher—I know that “normal people” are not). Most of all, I find it interesting to know how other people really think.
However, I also do not want my children to think that anti-Semitic jokes are funny or that Arab Americans are all terrorists or that they are lesser (or better) for being multiracial.
I do what I can, but how much can I do when we are in another person’s house, when we are the guests, when there are larger family issues at stake?
So we cherish the drive home. We talk about the jokes that were made and whether or not they were really funny. We talk about the further implications of an off-handed remark. We flesh out the story about what really happened at Pearl Harbor or on 9/11. We test the grains of truth and search for counter-examples. We acknowledge the hurt and the offense, and we discuss what else we could have done to better steer the conversation or to simply save ourselves (like getting up to go to the bathroom or to wash dishes at key moments). We try to figure out what really happened back there.
After one holiday dinner last year when my children were trapped next to a particularly crazy Auntie, we laughed the whole two-hour drive home, and my daughter ended up writing a paper for school about all the nutty things that happened that night and how much we laughed and learned talking about it afterwards over leftovers. The moral of her story: “Bad Chinese food always tastes better the next morning.”
Frances Kai-Hwa Wang is a second-generation Chinese American from California who now divides her time between Ann Arbor and the Big Island of Hawaii. She is editor of IMDiversity.com Asian American Village, lead multicultural contributor for AnnArbor.com, and a contributor for New America Media's Ethnoblog. She is a popular speaker on Asian Pacific American and multicultural issues. Check out her website at franceskaihwawang.com, her blog at franceskaihwawang.blogspot.com, and she can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.