Dear Kerry, My 7-year-old stole an eraser shaped like a football from his classroom the other day. He never did anything like that before, but I wonder if I should worry about his behavior. I made him take it back to the teacher and apologize. Should I punish him more? AV, Northville

Dear AV, Since he never stole anything before, it sounds like he really, really wanted that football eraser! Most parents feel some shock and dismay if a previously well-behaved kid does something like stealing, even a little object. So you’re asking good questions. Your solution seems helpful, too, for several reasons.

You didn’t go along with concealing his misdeed, but you also didn’t humiliate him about it. You expected him to take responsibility by owning up to his teacher and you gave him a chance to repair the damage by returning the eraser. Hopefully, he found the whole process uncomfortable enough that he doesn’t need more punishment and won’t do it again.

If we examine why a child might do something that he knows is wrong, we may also be able to think about what else is needed to help him make better choices in the future. Seven-year-olds are at the point in their development when they have just achieved a "consolidated conscience." But, like most new things, the corners are still pretty sharp; they are often still thinking in black-and-white terms.

So they get into a bind when there is a stark conflict. On the one hand, they want something forbidden very intensely; on the other hand, they feel it would be really bad to take it. The only solution seems to be to get rid of that conscience that makes them feel bad and go ahead with the impulse. It’s hard for them to think of a better solution.

Our grown-up job is to get an important message across: We want to help children outweigh the one pleasure of getting what they want (even at the price of silencing their conscience) with the three pleasures of doing the right thing. We have to help them see the advantages of not stealing. We first have to realistically acknowledge the immediate pleasure and thrill of wanting and getting. It helps a child listen if grown-ups are honest: “That eraser sure was cool. I can see why you wanted it so much and how excited you were for a while when you took it.”

Then we can move on to a better way to feel good: “Let’s think of a better way, since that good feeling didn’t last, you got in trouble and felt bad about yourself.” Parents and other adults can say: “How good it feels to be strong inside even when a person wishes to do the wrong thing! Your inside helper [a good way to describe conscience to children] gets stronger every time you do the right thing and that makes it easier the next time. Then you feel good about yourself.”

The second pleasure from doing the right thing comes from gaining the approval of others. “I don’t think you liked it when you saw that I was disappointed in you about taking that eraser. It feels better to have us and your teachers admire and approve of you.” The third pleasure comes from learning strategies to try to get the desired thing in a way that allows for the first two, that is, in a legitimate fashion.

You could say to your child: “When you saw that eraser, and you wanted it so much, you could have come home and told me about it. Then we could have figured out together whether we might be able to buy you one of your own and what money we could use for that. Then you could get what you want and feel good too -- that’s the best solution. Let’s try for that next time you see something that looks so cool that you wish you could have it.”

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council. She is a founder of Allen Creek Preschool and author, with Jack Novick, of "Emotional Muscle," available at http://www.xlibris.com. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can e-mail her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.