The worst Christmas carols of all time
Are you tired of carols yet? This is the time of year when many people are ready to jab a fork in their eye if they hear one more fa-la-la. I'm not there yet.
I've mostly managed to stay out of those big box stores that have had Christmas songs on permanent rotation since Halloween, and I hardy put on the radio in the car except to check the score of a game. So I've managed to keep my exposure to "Feliz Navidad" and "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" at a manageable level this season.
Meanwhile, I'm basically a sucker for any holiday tradition that doesn't involve sermons or malls. I used to love singing that "Do you hear what I hear?" song in my fifth grade choir. While I wouldn't choose them myself, I still remember a kind of giddy excitement when my parents would break out their Christmas albums by the likes of Glenn Campbell and Johnny Mathis.
It wasn't that any of the songs or performances were great. It was what the songs heralded: soon my extended family would be sitting around drinking their annual brandy alexanders while we kids sipped our own non-alcoholic versions (basically milkshakes) and playing cards with the grown-ups for quarters. And that would be followed by all the excitement of Christmas morning.
I guess what I'm building up to is a sort of confession: I like Christmas music. (There, I said it.) However, I definitely have preferences for those holiday selections I enjoy — and those I would enjoy never hearing again. In that spirit, here are my top five picks for the worst Christmas songs in history:
5. "Monster's Holiday" by Bobby "Boris" Pickett
Bobby Pickett's "Monster Mash" has a kind of silly retro charm, but this follow-up attempt to cash in by recreating every element of the "Monster Mash" schtick does not.
4. "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by The Chipmunks
This one sort of goes without saying, but the renewed visibility of the Chipmunks in recent years (my kids can't get enough of the "Squeakquel") has made it all the more grating.
3. "Silver Bells" by Twisted Sister
What I said above about "Monster's Holiday" applies doubly here. Given this sad attempt to recapture the spirit of their "We're Not Gonna Take It" video, we are laughing at them, not with them. To make matters even more embarrassing, they released an entire album like this.
2. "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" by Spike Jones and His City Slickers
The whistling on every "s" sound (every sibilant, as my more vocabulary-rich friends might say) is so cloyingly cutesie that one starts to sympathize with whoever knocked out songwriter Donald Gardner's teeth in the first place.
1. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney
I'm not posting a link for this song because of our Constitution's guarantee against cruel and unusual punishment. Even the title is probably too much, since this is one of the most insidious earworms of all time. With its insipid melody repeated ad nauseum over cheesy synthesizer, by the time this song makes you dash for the exit of the department store, it's too late. It'll be lodged in your brain for the rest of the day.
To help cleanse your ears after that grating display, I'll follow up tomorrow with a list of Christmas albums that can make the eggnog taste a bit better and the tinsel shine a bit brighter.
Scott Beal leads workshops for the Neutral Zone, Dzanc Books, and 826michigan, and is a stay-at-home dad.
image credit: Mykl Roventine via Creative Commons license
Comments
Audrey
Thu, Dec 23, 2010 : 5:39 p.m.
What about NR's rendition of "White Christmas"? He is the worst singer ever. You will cry while listening to him! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeGdbYfxtCI
timjbd
Thu, Dec 23, 2010 : 9:59 a.m.
...and now for something completely different- Grace Jones sings Little Drummer Boy to Peewee Herman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbmQVU4M9x0
SonnyDog09
Thu, Dec 23, 2010 : 8:10 a.m.
Every time that I listen to a few seconds of the Bing/Bowie tune (it's all that I can stand), I try to imagine how much cocaine the record company execs needed to consume before the idea made sense. "Yeah....snort.....we'll put the old guy together with the young guy....snort....then everyone will buy it....snort.....Genius!" There are some projects in the entertainment industry that can only be explained by massive drug use by executives.
treetowncartel
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 9:30 p.m.
@ Stunshif, a recent example of getting together can be found by searching for "Snoop Dog", "Willie Nelson" and "superman" on youtube. I don't know that anyone saw that coming twenty years ago.
stunhsif
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 9:10 p.m.
ERMG said: "Oh, come on!! Who could seriously NOT like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKS0GngztOo Good Night and Good Luck" Uh oh, I agree with you once again ERMG. Thanks for the link, just got done watching Bing and Bowie together singing Little Drummer Boy. Wonder who on earth was able to bring these two fine singers together as they did? Guess it shows that back then ( unlike today) that those who had almost nothing in common could get together and make something good happen!
Speechless
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 9:04 p.m.
More bold in execution than the low-goth "Monster's Holiday" remake of "Monster Mash," someone borrowed a chestnut from the Velvets songbook and infused it with holiday spirit, revising it into something like "I'm Waiting for Santa." When heard recently over web stream, it came off well, but now I can't find it online. Can't recall if anyone in the song had a seasonal habit. On a more sedate note, a half-century ago Tom Lehrer penned & performed his own entry into the holiday carol market. While not terribly original in theme by current standards, it did raise some eyebrows back in the Leave it to Beaver era:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtZR3lJobjw Paul McCartney offers a gleaming example of how the Beatles, when active as a group, were pretty good at editing out one another's serious excesses. Left to their own devices, each was capable of committing jaw-droppingly awful recordings to vinyl. A possible upside for "Wonderful Christmastime" is that it may have been a small contributing factor to the breakup of Wings. As a McCartney antidote, here's a pub medley from the Jim Morrison holiday album that never was:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4baSntmh4w
Scott Beal
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 2:37 p.m.
Thanks for the reminder about Emmet Otter, treetowncartel! I loved that special as a kid too. The jugband is hot, but I preferred the "Riverbottom Nightmare Band." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTvkRgbwPfI And thanks to everyone else who commented with your own favorite and/or least favorite selections. I agree that many of them are dire -- just not quite as dire as the five I picked.
treetowncartel
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 2:01 p.m.
@ Bonsai, I would tell you what it is about, but i would hate to ruin it for any of the younger readers who will be setting out a plate of cookies and glass of milk Friday night.
Bonsai
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 1:43 p.m.
I mean, WTHITAB
Bonsai
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 1:38 p.m.
Tony Dearing -- Seriously? OK how's this: The worst Christmas song ever is "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" -- WTHISAB? (What The Heck Is That All About?)
lucasjw
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 12:38 p.m.
Two words: Christmas Donkey.
treetowncartel
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 11:34 a.m.
While not a Christmas Carol per se, and not about Christmas,it is by far the best song associated with Christmas from my childhood, as it comes from a Christmas Special. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFJ2jxIe4CQ Note to moderator, the posters name is not as offensive as the last link I sent in.
Terri
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 11:17 a.m.
treetowncartel's got it, I think!
zeeba
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 10:36 a.m.
Christmas songs are not necessarily carols. Carols have religious meaning and are suitable for singing by a choir or in a church setting. Strictly speaking, none of the five mentioned here are carols. And any "worst Christmas song" list that omits "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" shows the author is not qualified to even comment on the subject to begin with.
MorningGirl
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 9:56 a.m.
I agree heartily with both of Marvin's comments. As for "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" sounding like a dirge, it more or less was. In its original context, the singers were totally depressed and acknowleding that this Christmas was horrible and maybe next year's would be better, but for now, they were completely bummed out. Some of the lyrics were revised so that it wouldn't sound quite so negative. I think the Crosby/Bowie duet is beautiful. "Santa Baby" as sung by Eartha Kitt is a saucy number; by Madonna, it's a pedophile's dream. And the Chipmunks rock! :)
Scott
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 9:26 a.m.
I know it's a classic, but personally I can't stand "Silent Night". It's so slooooow and plodding. Anytime I have Christmas music playing and that one comes on, I start counting the minutes for it to be over. As far as "modern" classics I completely agree with "Wonderful Christmastime". Please, turn it off. Stop the madness! I have to add "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Ugh. Horrible song. And George Michaels' "Last Christmas". Double ugh! For great holiday music pick up The Chieftains "Bells of Dublin", Barenaked Ladies "Barenaked for the Holidays", Loreena McKennitt "A Winter Garden" and Sufjan Stevens "Songs for Christmas".
timjbd
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 8:12 a.m.
Karen, Here is a new tradition for you and yours: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hcVleGxx40 I hope you enjoy it as much as you have enjoyed Handel. I know I have.
timjbd
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 7:33 a.m.
Happy Christmas (War is Over) is great. That and Fairytale of New York by the Pogues are the two best Christmas songs ever written. That is an empirical fact.
Karen
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 7:28 a.m.
timjbd - Handel's Messiah has a special meaning in our family. We play it when we bring the tree into the house and decorate it. For me Christmas starts with the opening strains of the overture, and isn't complete without it. As for McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" - you can have that with my love.
bunnyabbot
Wed, Dec 22, 2010 : 1:02 a.m.
these all make me want to vomit: Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" John Lennon's "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" anything with Mariah Careys one trick pony nails on chalkboard glass shattering hurry up and muzzle that screeching womans "singing" already because it's sacrilege to all that is Holy. these should not even be played mixed in between the likes of Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby
Thinkin' it Over
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 11:56 p.m.
Glad to see you agree that the worst Christmas song of all is "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. Even seeing the title sends it looping endlessly through the brain. Pure torture!
robyn
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 11:27 p.m.
The Snoopy Red Baron song... I had completely forgotten that one. I always liked it to - but then again I was 6 the last time I heard it! LOL!
timjbd
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 11:23 p.m.
Handel's Messiah.
treetowncartel
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 11:05 p.m.
I can't believe the McKenzie brothers have not made this thread..."and a beer"
ViSHa
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 9:15 p.m.
Hate "All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth", especially the whistling at the end. Also hate, "i saw mommy kissing santa claus". But i do like Snoopy's Red Baron Song---ten, twenty, thirty......lol.
#2liberal
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 8:07 p.m.
sophisticated liberals like me with b.s degree in women's studies don't celebrate any religion holidays but worship our great knowledge in the liberal arts. Thanks!
Ann English
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 8:06 p.m.
I once had a supervisor who hated "Christmas Don't Be Late" by the Chipmunks, but her favorite Christmas song was "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas". I wouldn't know about that song if she hadn't called it to my attention. Thanks for the video of "Christmas Don't Be Late"; it helps me understand what I hear. And the first CD I ever purchased is "Christmas with the Chipmunks". Dave Seville's spoken version of "A Visit from Saint Nicholas", with the accompanying sound effects, is much better than "A Monster Christmas". A video of the Chipmunks' version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" would be interesting to see, since the boys lead Dave through the Arctic wilderness to meet Rudolph. So would a video of "Jingle Bells", where on the second verse, the singer and Miss Fanny Bright get stuck in the snow, while taking a sleigh ride together.
psaume23
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 7:57 p.m.
The Lennon song, "Happy Christmas," actually sounds like a Beatle-quality song, while the "Wonderful Christmastime" song sounds like a McCartney pod-person song. (Not the same dude who wrote and sang "Eleanor Rigby" or "Yesterday"!) Thanks for sparing us the listen.
Urban Sombrero
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 6:33 p.m.
The comedic version of Elvis's, "Blue Christmas". You know the one, it's supposed to sound like Porky Pig singing it. That makes me want to jump off the roof. Also, the dogs barking, "Jingle Bells". I'm not fond of any Christmas song, for the record. But those two stand out as the most cringe-worthy to me. (I'll also second the "Hippopotamus for Christmas" song. I hate that one!)
81wolverine
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 6:21 p.m.
Yes, those are some bad ones. I agree completely about the awful Paul McCartney song. He's been such a great songwriter, but that one was a big dog. I'd like to add: 1. It's The Holiday Season by Andy Williams - you know, "It's the holiday season, and whoop-dee-do, and dickery dock, and don't forget to grab your barf bag". (Sorry, I added the part about the barf bag) Horribly over-played on top of it. 2. Santa Baby had to have been created and recorded to torture people who love Christmas. One of the most nauseating songs I've ever heard. 3. The old classic The Drummer Boy was not good originally, and is even worse in all the countless, awful remakes over the years. An incessant, dirge of a Carol if there ever was one.
jns131
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 6:21 p.m.
Red Shoes. This is not a Xmas Carol. This is the most depressing song I have ever heard should not be attributed to Xmas in any sense of the word. Whoever thought it was is nuts. Xmas Canon by TSO and Bing/Crosby Drummer Boy rendition are my favs. WNIC plays a lot of great carols. So, who is up for some Red Baron and Snoopy?
Marvin Face
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 6:08 p.m.
Anything by Mannheim Steamroller or Trans Siberian Orchestra. Can anyone say Lowest Common Denominator?
YpsiLivin
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 6 p.m.
Atticus F., I don't know how you arrived at the conclusion that those two songs are "the greatest Christmas songs written in modern times," but to each his own. In my book, they stink.
hypsi
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:46 p.m.
Here's a few more..which I love, but drive me nuts all at the same time. Yogi Yorgesson reminds me of going to the UP for Christmas to visit my Grandparents :] Enjoy! Yogi Yorgesson "Yingle Bells" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkwgu8JLaF4 Yogi Yorgesson "I was Santa Claus at the School House (for the PTA)" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueEprtU32sg&feature=related Yogi Yorgesson "I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4uW2PT-190&feature=related There's more by Yorgesson, if you care to search.
Jennifer Shikes Haines
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:45 p.m.
Definitely: Two Front Teeth. UGH. Grandma got run over is a close second, though... Having said all that, I love Christmas music and have quite the collection on my iPod.
Eva Johnson
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:43 p.m.
It isn't always the Christmas song, but who sings it... I can't stand any Christmas Carol sung by Mariah Carey. Overdone singing by pop singers is the worst! Nice article!
julieswhimsies
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:34 p.m.
@robin Thank you. You said it best. I am now going to put on my ipod and play ANYTHING that takes my mind off these carols.
robyn
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:29 p.m.
Oh great - I read this and now I have bad Christmas songs looping in my brain... Maybe they should now ask about best Christmas songs.... Would rather have those looping.
Atticus F.
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:21 p.m.
ypsilivin, those are the 2 greatest Christmas song written in modern times...Thats like saying "the Beatles were greatly influenced by the Monkeys".
julieswhimsies
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:11 p.m.
Any Chipmunks carol MUST go!...
Jessica Levine
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:06 p.m.
I have to disagree on one count: I love the Chipmunks song.
YpsiLivin
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:03 p.m.
I would gladly take Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" a thousand times over John Lennon's insipid "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" any day of the week. You can also have is "Band Aid: Do They Know It's Christmas?", thank you very much.
dading dont delete me bro
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 5:02 p.m.
my list of Christmas songs i can do without: grandma got run over by a reindeer dogs barking 'jingle bells'
spm
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 4:48 p.m.
I'm not a fan of Elvis Presley so probably the only Christmas song I truly dislike is "Blue Christmas". Otherwise, I love just about any other Christmas song out there, of course like Scott Beal, I manage to listen to this type of music only a week or so before the 25th.
rreidannarbor
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 4:43 p.m.
This one has to rank right up there. Don't listen unless you want this bouncing around in your brain for the next hour.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG5VPji-SpU
Dog Guy
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 4:18 p.m.
The worst Christmas carol is that "Happy Holidays" rant which is intended to drive out "Christmas."
j10z
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 4:02 p.m.
"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". Not actually such a bad song in itself, but because it's always sung like a dirge - not "merry" at all. The Carpenters' version especially is as pleasant as root canal.
Sansdeities
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 3:23 p.m.
Never heard any I liked.
Atticus F.
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 3:08 p.m.
"Holiday Oh Holiday, and the best one of the year"...A shameless attempt to get non Christians to join in the spirit of spending money.
Klayton
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 2:55 p.m.
You cannot leave out... "I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas"
Marvin Face
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 2:12 p.m.
Christmas Shoes. Not just the worst Christmas song, the Worst. Song. Ever.
SemperFi
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 12:50 p.m.
If you don't have "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by Patsy & Elmo on your list of Worst Christmas Songs, then its not a complete list.
SonnyDog09
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 12:06 p.m.
I'd like to nominate the David Bowie and Bing Crosby version of "The little drummer boy." That one is seriously cringe worthy.
Tammy Mayrend
Tue, Dec 21, 2010 : 10:44 a.m.
Whew, I got worried that Brenda Lee's Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree might be included in this list Scott. Now I'll breathe a sigh of relief. It's my favorite up-tempo holiday tune and sure to guarantee me belting along... Of course my opinion might change now that my mom bought me a singing/dancing Christmas tree that the kids play over, and over, and over, and...