Child has trouble living in two different homes
Dear Kerry,
My 8-year-old daughter has a very difficult time getting to sleep the first night she returns to our house after a week at her dad's house. She cries a little, wants lights left on and stays up very late, saying she can't fall asleep. I let her read and leave the lights on.
Sometimes she wants me to lie down with her, and I do once in a while. How can I help her make the transition easier?
ND, S. Carolina
Dear ND,
You’ve identified the central point — your daughter is struggling with a complicated transition. No one finds changes easy, and children who go between households have constant change to handle. It sounds like you are kind and tolerant with her about it, and that helps. The fact that her distress is only the first night can also reassure you that it is a reaction to the transition, and doesn’t indicate deeper issues at the other household.
Even just in practical terms, and even in those rare situations in which divorced parents have rules and styles that are similar, the atmosphere and routines are bound to be different in the two houses. It’s hard to remember constantly where you’re supposed to take off your shoes by the back door, where you put your laundry, which drawer the kitchen forks go in and so forth. How much screen time do you have at each house? Which parent cares if you eat your snack at the table?
It’s a lot of extra stuff to keep track of. It helps kids if each parent can comfortably (without criticizing the ways of the other parent) talk to them about the differences, acknowledge what a big job it is, and maybe think of ways together to keep track.
Many people have trouble sleeping the night before, or the night after, a trip, and the first night in a new bed. Familiarity is part of the security and comfort that helps us all relax into sleep. Children who go back and forth are like frequent business travelers, constantly adjusting, and we don’t even provide them with fancy flight clubs.
Perhaps taking a favorite pillow back and forth, or the same slippers, having an ongoing book to read, or a little photo of each parent as company can provide some continuity. Keeping the light on may be your daughter’s way of reminding herself where she is.
All children have mixed feelings about their parents. We love them and don’t love them, and sometimes we even hate them. A child with two homes is necessarily torn at each transition.
"I’m sad to leave dad, but happy to see mom." Or "I can’t wait to leave dad, but mom may be mad because I left my T-shirt at dad’s." Or "I miss my mom, but dad wants me to have a good time." Or "I’m sad to leave dad, but mom is always angry at him." The combinations are infinite.
Some children solve the dilemma by alternating which parent is the good guy and which is the bad, trying to avoid the tension of mixed feelings about both, but that solution isn’t good for long. Parents can help by explaining that mixed feelings are a part of every ordinary relationship, basically giving permission to have all kinds of feelings about both parents and recognizing out loud how the transitions make mixed feelings harder to sort out.
Perhaps the hardest thing for kids in your daughter’s situation to bear is the underlying feeling of frustration and powerlessness. She didn’t choose to live in two houses and to shuttle back and forth — those were the results of grown-up decisions. Most people feel angry when they don’t feel in charge of their own lives, but impotent anger is one of the hardest experiences to deal with.
Grown-ups can apologize for imposing the necessity, but then turn the situation around by posing a challenge for everyone to work on together.
“Since this isn’t going to change, what can you and I and daddy do to make it work better for you?”
Brainstorming actively and trying out new ideas take away the overwhelming passive feeling and give kids new energy to face their challenging circumstances.
In another column I will talk about the added factors of step-parents, half- and step-siblings who may also come and go on complicated schedules. I will also discuss how to help kids manage their reactions and feelings with these added people in their lives.
Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and is a founder of Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through
Comments
red45
Fri, Oct 22, 2010 : 4:02 p.m.
We live in a society that desperately wants to live in a no fault state of mind :o). This is a load of cr_p. My point is really about maturity and not allowing emotions run our life or make decisions for you ONLY. Love is not a one shot thing; marriages take work and just because your fighting now does not mean you always will or that you always have. You are responsible for what you say and how you act. Perhaps assessing yourself to a higher degree and looking into what you are responsible for might provide some perspective. It surely is true that each case is different but surely we can agree that many, many divorces are avoidable. :o) Perhaps yours could not be saved for extreme reasons and if so that is too bad and you have my sympathy for thatI am sorry. My biggest point that perhaps I was not successful in expressing was that not all divorces filed are necessary. Are you aware that experts state only about 11 percent of divorces are really necessary and that 90% of divorces or filed by woman? I spoke to a divorce attorney recently (it was a female) who said that most of the time a person files because their not happy and their looking for a soul matethe woman attorney said she was looking for a soul mate too and chuckles and went on to provide what she called her come to Jesus statements and how people always think the grass is greener. People like to allow engendered myths support decisions coupled by elements of selfishness. It sounds like that often we adults (who are acting like children) expect their children to muster to allow the adult to be happy yet happiness is something that has to be worked at in ones self and in ANY relationship. We have so many sources / resources to overcome problems yet they are often ignored because one party doesnt want to. Often, children are far more testing of your emotions than a marriage but a responsible and mature person or parent is bound to do their level best of overcome rather than leaving them? So, why cant this bind be true with a spouse? ANS: Misguided expectations. Of course one could blame the child too but thats not going to take one very far either. I can imagine that it takes a lot of energy to maintain a separation or divorce; Id bet that in many or most of the cases where divorce is the outcome that if as much effort was placed on taking stock of oneself rather than the other and blaming the other party that our national divorce rate would come down. No one gets out of this life without hurting loved ones or being hurt by loved ones. There is no fresh start, lives carry on and often the baggage of one poor relationship carries over (hence why the divorce rate is even higher the second time around). I think you are focusing more on dealing with aftermath rather than what I am suggesting is that each person act like an adult (maturity) rather than running away but of course what I am suggesting is acts of selfishness and owning up to your part because of the reality that there is always faultyou cant run away from accountability, no one is a saint and deep down in places we dont like to talk about, we know our shortcomings and we know the truth but its easier to be without blamecall it an accident and repair if you still can. I have heard so may people say no one is at faulta load of cr_p and really is an expression of shallow feel better thinking if you think about it. Im no saint but Im an adult and we should all strive to act in a manner that represents our capabilities rather than our delinquencies. If it is too late for you to repair your marriage then I am sorry about that but there are an awful lot of people that have terrible struggles in their marriage than can be overcome so before you try and sell the idea of dealing with symptoms rather the problems, be aware of your influences and adding to engendering myths to others AND the fact that misery loves company and the sad reality that people more often that not seek support to validate their decisions (good and bad) rather than looking inward. I am in he_l but I have never stopped looking at my faults and what I added to the situation and how to better myself. If you think one person cant influence reconciliation when love is lost I would suggest you take to heart one of the mottos of AAact is if. I am not an alcoholic nor do you have to be to heed that adviceusually one person in the relationship talks themselves away from the marriage so why not take a more mature approach see what was good or better and spin off that? Very few people would congratulate a divorce or separation. No offenses intended. :o)
micheal
Thu, Oct 21, 2010 : 2:27 p.m.
well to Go Blue : I dont understand the logic in what your saying to fix a promblem ov bouncing back and forth between 2 house holds. I find it to be unrealistic to think that 2 people who no longer love eacher or at least one,all it takes is one. that would commit to sharing a house to one anouther.AND question were would each parent live while not at the house with the child? How would this be explained to the child, how confusing would this be to the child? dad lives at home one week mom lives at home the other? How would this poor child have a sense a faimly and belonging?its the same as living with a single parent, but with out the opurtinty to see how a marriage works becouse thier isnt one. they still have to battle raisng the child like 2 single parents do.The parents are still not together, thier no way to cover that up if thats the truth.If a marriage ends its for a reason, its happened since the beggining of time. i think step faimlys are just as natural accurence as a intact faimly. I ts the way we hadle things that makes and breaks things.ASLO. wouldnt the parents be moving on? if their not together in a realationship how can these parents move on if their sharing a house? and what about having a new faimly isnt that natural? do we stop falling in love, becouse one relationship dint work out and wasnt meant to be?We get a new mate couse thats what humans due its in our make up to have a mate its for our emotional and phsyical heath. If your not healthy you cant be a good parent.Step faimly can provide a loving secure enviroment if done the right way for the faimly.They get an example of what marriage is by the parents and their partner. If thier niothing but fighting all the time what example does it set, aside from the emotional damage it can couse.some people are not meant to be together, thats life.how ever i think no matter what marraige your in frist or second make it work.in blending faimly they can gain step siblings but also half siblings.blended faimly can provide a Faimly period bottom line. I dont see how 2 parents spending one week in the childs home and one week off provides anything for the child other than they have one bedroom lol.No parent in the right minds would live in a such a way or subject thier child to that. How ever as far as kids bouncing back in forth. a commitment the parents and who ever else in envolved, need to have the child or children best interest at heart. child need consistent rules at each house. children could be a apart of some of the decion making. constant communication about the childs needs between both house holds. adaquete space and privacy.personalized bedroom ect..They shouldnt get special treatment just becouse thier visiting.everyone should be treated eaqualy.They are not a guest or a outsider thier a active faimly member.each faimly should have thier own faimly vacations were the child gets to be a apart ov and each faimly having own traditions.wouldnt hurt if the children were apart of some of the decion making regarding vacations, faimly traditions ect..the children in these sitautions can have a say in some of the changes, that occur.communcating about any new changes that will be occuring before they do to the child. COmmunicating about the devorce and making sure they know its NONES fault the faimly split up, not the children, not the parents, not step parents.that sometimes life happens and we even as adults cant always control what happens.teaching the value of accpeting the things we cant not change but focusing on what we can change.making sure that a faimly starts the blending process at the apporatie time after the devorce can make all the difference. this all linked to the boucing back and forth adjust promblems. one change after anouther after anouther is hard for kids.If thier isnt proper communcation then they draw thier own conclusions about things.they may not want to go to the other house for many reasons, so we can cut down on those reasons, so they can adjust and accept.last but not least the main thing with me is schduling. i dont like the one week on, one week off idea. or disney land moms and dads.(were they only visit the weekends)I think children need to be able to be contact with parents each day of thier life.that should be able to have both parents at all thier events and envolved in their activitys ect.. have the oppurtnity to see parents when possible not just during week or weekends,specficly.that it should be open up more. desinate so thier are at one house on weekend and one during week just open it up and be flexible and arrange so that it s consitant.example jane visit dad on weekend but every tues day he picks her up and takes her for icecream and a chat and every thurs day her both her parents and or step parents go to her soccer practice. dads leaves her a email every morning to check that says a special message before she goes to school.and then picks her up most days from school and take her home. The schdule needs to be consistant and not change easly, needs to be predictable to the child. i dont see alot fo this happening with blended faimly on less its some type of conveince to the parents. this should be the the goal, parties should make it work so this can happen and children need to spend time with step parents and siblings just as much as thier own bio blood. they cant have mom and dad both around but when its not they have thier step parents around to show them love ect.. thats all i have to say.
red45
Thu, Sep 23, 2010 : 4:09 p.m.
I am in the middle of this very same issue. My daughter tells me every time I see her that she does not like living in two houses. In the end, why don't the "parents" be adults and work out their issues so the family can re-unite? Most marriages can be saved yet excuses and forced acceptance runs rampant. There is always one parent that projects there issues on the child/children and expects the child/children to "accept" rather than one or both parents accepting things within the marriage that can be truly be overcome. There is so much energy and thought into maintaining a separation or a divorce so why not use that time for overcoming differences? People have just got in the habit looking at a marriage as an individual point of view. I am no saint but I am an adult and most of us trade in petty emotional currency. We need to stop expecting our children to suffer or deal with our issues and hold ourselves accountable to treating the real issue(s) which is ourselves and overcoming challenges and stop treating symptoms. When we take the time to focus on pleasing or satisfying our spouse, only then will our children obtain the real benefits from mom and dad. I find it incredible that we say we love our children but not enough to overcome marital challenges and work on ourselves. Sure, every case in different but there are far too many kids living in two houses for petty reasons and a childish do nothing posture regarding the marriage. Nobody ever said marriage was easy....look around you, kids living in two houses is at a ridiculously high number. So, what are you going to do about it, keep making your kids deal with your issues or get busy on yourself and overcome and move on to better times as a family. There are so many people that live with real tragedy that nothing can be done about yet we tell ourselves that someone else has to change to be happily marriedwhos the child now? While there are truly cases for divorce, no one cane argue the statistics are staggering and many divorces simply are not necessary. There is nothing individual in leaving your marriagetoday everyone is doing it and the ripple effect spreads far and wide. Why not be a leader or different and actually work to save the marriage as the rewards are far greater. Whos with me? I agree with Max,treat the problem and not the symptom. The real problem is not addressing yourself / our marriage so your child does not have to live in two houses.
Macabre Sunset
Sat, Sep 18, 2010 : 7:37 p.m.
Michigan, unfortunately, does not require co-parenting classes. If there's one parent who harbors a lot of anger, there's no instruction on how to deal with that and the children suffer. It's also very, very hard on children under 10 having two bedrooms. The benefits outweigh the difficulty, but it takes a toll. It would help if the courts would bring back "at-fault" divorces. Right now, there's no shame in bad behavior. The courts remain as uninvolved as possible.
Hanz Landa
Sat, Sep 18, 2010 : 4:17 p.m.
This arrangement is very common with Judge Nancy Francis in Ann Arbor. She regularly allows children as young as six months to actually travel thousands of miles for parenting time. Kids are put on planes, trains, cars, whatever and spend a few weeks in one state and a few weeks in another. This abusive practice is roundly criticized by local family lawyers and mental health professionals.
robyn
Sat, Sep 18, 2010 : 3:05 p.m.
Go Blue: I've heard about people doing that too - if it's an option - it's probably the best one. Unfortunately - in a lot of cases - the two parents are so nasty to eachother they have a difficult time sharing space with one another for a few minutes let alone sharing a house every other week.
Go Blue
Sat, Sep 18, 2010 : 12:07 p.m.
I just don't get it - why on earth would it be in the best interest of any child to have to shuttle back and forth week after week from one home to the other. How is that stable and secure for anyone? I don't care how it is approached, handled, explained or otherwise. The child pays the price for a decision made by the parents for the parents convenience, not the child. If a parent cares about the child, the child comes first - period. Actually, a less toxic option for the child is staying in one house and the parents rotate week on and week off, meaning one week mom lives in the house and the next week, dad lives in the house. I've seen it done with minimal difficulties for each parent if they were committed to making it work.
Max Peters
Sat, Sep 18, 2010 : 11:48 a.m.
... or maybe people should think about the negative emotional toll has on their kids and be willing to make sacrifices in their own happiness for their kids. You're treating a symptom, not the problem.
robyn
Sat, Sep 18, 2010 : 11:21 a.m.
My brother and sister-in-law went through a similar situation with their two oldest children (both hers by a previous marriage and going to their Dad's on weekends). The change was really hard for the kids - they were 4 and 6 years old. What they did for the kids was to make things familiar in both homes. That meant both sets of parents sitting down and addressing specific rules that were expected at each of their homes and implimenting them in both homes - but more geared to the home they spent the most time in. They also set up their rooms as 'permanent rooms' in their Dad's home. It wasn't like they got there and had to unpack and stay as 'guests' - they were allowed to play a role in the decorating of their rooms which made them feel that the house was as much theirs as their Mom's house is. They also had clothing and toys (sometimes the same in both houses), tooth brushes and other personal items - so packing up was not like erasing their existence in the home. It also made the transition easier for the parents - no worries about having a toothbrush, extra changes of clothes or favorite toy. I know it seems fairly simplistic - but kids are about what the see and feel, their comfort is in feeling like they are a part of things and that their surroundings are safe, familiar and as stress free as possible. They need to feel 'at home' no matter which parent they are staying with - not like little visitors that are a temporary part of the household. It's not easy - but it can be done.