Setting limits in childhood can prevent bullies in adulthood, too
Dear Kerry,
There is so much in the news that says that men are forceful bullies by nature. I don’t want my sons to grow up that way. What do you think?
— ST, Indiana
Dear ST,
The same questions are raised each time there is a scandal around a prominent man acting out in an exploitative way. Why should someone with real success and power feel driven to bully, hurt or dominate others?
Often the explanations speak of the stress of a pressured life, the temptations of a high-profile lifestyle, or the ways in which power can “go to one’s head.” All too often, commentators assert that men just are that way, or, even more extremely, that men should be that way.
We don’t think so. It’s oversimplified and a cop-out to attribute bad or illegal behavior to “nature” since we all know that people’s characters are a result of a complex interaction between their endowment and their life experiences.
We think such behavior actually starts in childhood. Parents who don’t have the emotional muscle to say no to a brilliant, adored child may mistakenly give him the idea that his gifts entitle him to be the boss of other people. Instead of pleasure coming from competence, it starts to come from exerting power over others.
As grownups, this bullying may appear in a sexual context, but it has nothing to do with sexual desire. The excitement comes from forcing other people to bend to his will.
Parents have the important task of ensuring that good feelings come from mastering skills, enjoying using capacities to the fullest, trying hard to learn and grow and change. It’s tragic if a person only feels effective and important by dominating others.
The discomfort we all feel when we see a child imperiously ordering an acquiescent grownup around is well-founded. Children who use tantrums, whining and guilt to manipulate their parents are at risk of growing up confused about the limits of their own power and the authentic sources of good feeling.
At some level we know there is something not right going on — that is likely to be a child who, if not helped with firm, realistic and reasoned limits, will grow up with the illusion that his wishes can and should be others’ commands. Combined with the power of status, wealth and adult sexuality, the entitled illusion can all too easily be realized in action.
The alternative path is gaining encouragement, approval and pleasure in competence, persistence, investment in process, overcoming obstacles, creativity and so forth. These are all the pleasures of work.
Anyone can achieve them with the exercise of their emotional muscles. When grownups consistently link pleasure with authentic efforts, boys are more likely to grow up committed to what they can offer to others with their genuine, unique achievements.
Instead of getting self-esteem from forcing others to bend to their will, they will get good feelings about themselves from real engagement with real tasks in relationships that respect the contributions of both people.
Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, and author, with Jack Novick, of "Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children," available at amazon.com or through