If we were able to steal a glance at the old grade-school and junior-high report cards of some of today’s funniest comedians, it’s likely that we’d see teacher comments about their “behavioral problems.”

Face it: The kind of irreverence—and desire for attention—that makes one a breakout comic is not exactly consistent with docile classroom behavior.

And comic Ron White readily admits to having “behavioral problems”—not just as a kid, but also as an adult. In fact, he proudly used the phrase as the title of one of his stand-up DVDs and again as the name of one of his tours.

Onstage, White often riffs on his affinity for drinking Scotch, smoking pot, his addiction to cigars, his short fuse, his lack of respect for authority figures, and his general intolerance for the across-the-board societal ignorance he feels that he encounters almost daily.

And the titles of two of his other stand-up DVDs are “Drunk in Public” and “You Can’t Fix Stupid.”

(The other one was “Call Me Tater Salad”—“Tater Salad” and “Tater” are White’s nicknames in some circles.)

Indeed, White’s fondness for Scotch is such that he typically downs a few tumblers, on the rocks, during his stand-up performances.

“Yeah, I think I’m the only comic out there who drinks onstage,” said White, in his molasses-thick central-Texas accent, when I interviewed him in 2009, the last time he came to town. “Generally, by about show time, I’m about ready to have my first drink of the night anyway, and I do really like Scotch. And I also love cigars, but the cigar is also a good prop. It’s a great reason to not be talking— it’s a good ‘mis-direction’ that allows me to pause, which is just part of the rhythm of my story-telling.”

White’s current show, which comes to the Michigan Theater on Friday, is titled “Moral Compass.” So, we can probably expect more jokes about drinking, pot, hookers, run-ins with the law, his ex-wife, and the incompetence and indifference we all seem to encounter every day.

One classic White bit that falls into this broad category is the lengthy, discursive and very funny tale—which he told on the “Behavioral Problems” DVD—about the time he was arrested for marijuana possession when the police in Florida got a tip that he had pot on his private plane. In the process, he takes a few well-aimed verbal shots at the cops, while scorning what he thinks is a “stupid” U.S. drug policy.

“I mean, this was in Florida, for God’s sake—they had to pass three meth labs and a dead hooker on their way to the airport,” cracked White, in what has become one of his most popular bits. “I only spent about 90 minutes at the jail, so I don’t know how the word got out so fast, but when I came out, there were these kids holding up signs, saying ‘Free Tater.’”

He also did a risque bit about discovering that the toilet in his toney hotel had a bidet function with an “oscillating” feature—which led to a series of sexual-themed one-liners, including one quip that simultaneously referenced a sex act and the title of a famous Elvis Presley album.

Since then, of course, White has been writing and road-testing new jokes—and posting them on his website and his Facebook page, sometimes a new joke a day. So we thought we’d offer a round-up of the funniest jokes that White has been sharing with his most avid fans in recent weeks:

• “Trying to decide if I should go see “ Rise of the Planet of the Apes” or drop my n-ts into a taffy puller.”

• “The only borders we’re capable of closing in this country are the chain of bookstores.”

• “Prez says troops are coming home. I'm guessing they'll be out of Afghanistan about the same time I run out of cigars and Scotch.”

• “I’m committed to losing some weight. I’ve started to jog again. The hard part is finding a sports bra that’s snug, but not too snug.”

• “They say I should listen to my gut instinct. When my gut tells me what not to do, I drink till it shuts up & do whatever the f--- I want.”

• “My tour bus and I are a lot alike. We're both always on the road and consume large quantities of flammable liquids.”

• “Should pot be legal? Every state is different. In California, you can get it as a topping on your pizza. I like California.”

• “They need better hurricane names. Irene sounds like a librarian. I wouldn't be scared of that storm unless I had some overdue books.”

• “Do I always wear a black suit? Yes, unless I’m in Florida, then I wear an orange jumpsuit.”

• “Every biz should have a designated sexual harassment area for old school employees that still like a nice slap on the ass for a raise.”

• “My buddy just went through a nasty divorce. Instead of making him pay alimony the judge just gave him time served.”

• “Back to school sales are in full swing. Good thing Sears carries ammo.”

• If her name was “Paris Red Roof Inn” instead of Hilton, do you still think people would still give a s---?”

For the full complement of the one-liners White has recently been posting, check out his Facebook page.

Kevin Ransom is a free-lance writer who covers music and comedy for AnnArbor.com. He can be reached at KevinRansom10@aol.com.