Have you been reading the beer posts on here and seen the ads for the Michigan Brewers Guild Summer Beer Festival and been all, "WOW! That beer stuff sounds like fun! And (ahem) the people writing about it seem cool! But, I don't even know where to begin. What's the difference between a porter and a stout? And what is this Kuhnhenn place? And what about Short's ... bloody beer??? What the ... ??"

Or maybe you've said to yourself, "Well, I'd like to try some of that craft beer but I have no idea what I'd like and I don't want to waste my time and money ... oh how I wish there was someone to help me!!!!"

Well, your wish has come true! (Sorry, I can't help with those other wishes you have ... and those are kinda off-color, don't you think?) You can be a beer adventurer, kids! Kind of like being guided by a Boy Scout -- but with beer!! For the low price of $10 (a festival ticket is still required), you will get to enter through the VIP entrance at the beer fest and meet your adventurer guide. I've gone through this VIP entrance and that in and of itself is pretty cool ... no lines, for one, and you're a VIP! That's cool! Your guide will meet with you and up to four other people and plot your battle plan. And trust me, these battle plans will make the ones from "Red Dawn" (the original, not the remake) look like a Tic Tac Toe game.

Your team may plan to try a particular brewery or style, or just yell "Wolverines!" a lot. (Did that even happen in the movie a lot? I haven't seen it in like 20 years). As if this wasn't enough, you will also get a second tasting glass to gather samples. Everyone in your group will get samples and you will all share the samples that you bring back. (Because beer, like the brothers in "Red Dawn," is all about love). In other words, you will spend but a few tokens to get samples and then share in many samples. Spend few, get many -- I like it!

To recap, you will get to enter through the VIP line, get a second sample glass, get to meet new people and get an experienced beer adventurer guide to help you navigate the festival. All for just $10 (plus ticket to the festival)! What a great way to spend a Saturday!

The Summer Beer Festival is being held on July 23 from 5 p.m.- 9 p.m. and July 24 from 1 p.m.- 6 p.m. but please note that the guided adventures are only available on Saturday. Visit the Beer Adventurer website to sign up to be guided.

P.S.: Thanks to Mike O'Brien, beer genius and BeerGyver, for the "more dazed, less confused" tag line.

Patti Smith spent her formative years in the 80s and lived in fear of a Soviet attack, thanks to movies like Red Dawn, The Day After and Threads. Help her get over these fears by giving her tokens at the beer fest!