Get in shape fast, crazy, now, DRASTIC

Posted: Dec 28, 2009 at 10:50 AM [Dec 28, 2009]

The holidays are mostly over (New Year’s is better known for its booze than its seven-layer bean dip), and it's time to get in shape. Beach season proper is just 157 days away!

Those of you who have maintained a level workout plan for 2009 or used portion control from Thanksgiving to now can stop reading right here. There’s nothing for you past this point. Go check Lance Armstrong’s Twitter page or flip through the December issue of Ultra-Marathoner magazine lying next to your juicer.

Are they gone? Just us amateur exercisers who REALLY love Screamin' Dill Pickle Pringles left? Good.

I’m someone who likes to start fresh in the New Year with a rigorous workout plan, hogging the elliptical while gym regulars cross their perfectly defined arms and huff. To hell with baby steps - I want results and I want them now. I won’t ease slowly into a workout routine. No, I’ll run as far and fast for as long as I did when I was in decent shape. What complements a foolhardy mind frame like mine is a drastic plan of action. It’s gotten me this far (cramping when I laugh, wearing a lot of sports jerseys with jogging pants, sweating when I eat) why would I ever want to abandon it now?

Here are my top three drastic get-in-shape plans from the last three years:

# 3: From Chicago to D.C. on a treadmill
One Christmas after it was decided that I would quit my job and move from Chicago to Washington, D.C., I decided to incorporate the move into my workout routine. With a moving date set in May, I decided to attempt to run, bike and walk the equivalent distance from Chicago to D.C. at the gym. That’s 706 miles, meaning I would have to average somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 miles a day. On the surface, it didn’t seem too difficult, but once I fell a few weeks behind it took a late push to hit the goal. Are you moving in the next few months? Did you always want to see what it would be like to run from Ypsilanti to Charlevoix? Now’s your chance!

#2: Bikram Yoga at Sunrise
One holiday break after playing video games for too long, my back started to hurt. It ached for days. On a whim, I decided to take up yoga for the first time. Rather than enroll in an introductory class at the YMCA, I jumped 2 feet first into Bikram yoga. In Bikram you do 26 postures over 90 minutes in a room superheated to 100 degrees with high humidity. In order to fit it into my busy schedule, I took the 6 a.m. class, which allowed me to sweat, stretch, shower and head to work fresh and limber. I Bikramed three times a week with a handful of other morning hard cores including the man with the very hairy lats and the man with skin like tree bark. It was as enjoyable as something so horribly masochistic could be, but by February I was as bendy as I had ever been. I lasted until March and then went back to my mistress, Mr. Spot’s wings. Are you tired of boring yoga where all you do is touch your foot to the back of your head at room temperature? Get with it, Ann Arbor! Try some Bikram.

#1: Alli
The little blue pill - not for your man bits, but for your love handles. I’m no chemist, but it’s my understanding that Alli inhibits your body from metabolizing fat, flushing it out with your poop rather than allowing it to be stored as back fat. Trouble is, when you eat too much fat, a few bum bum related side effects can happen. Like anal leakage. Intense stomach discomfort. Alli poos.

I learned about this pill a while back and bought a very expensive bottle to experiment. I didn’t suffer anal leakage or stomach discomfort, but Alli poos (of which I had many) are interesting creatures. Let’s say you eat a can of aforementioned Screamin' Dill Pickle Pringles with a chaser of Mr. Spots wings, perhaps some Chinese food and take a single Alli pill, you will have the most interesting dump of your life. A toilet FULL of semi-explosive pizza grease. Yes, I went and described it. If you read this far, you’re just as much of a degenerate as I am. Alli also flushes many of your daily vitamins and minerals so while you might look super hot on the beach, your jaundiced skin and open sores will ward off any legitimate beefcake.

I don’t have any drastic programs planned for 2010 but I’ve done some pretty stupid things to fit into a nice pair of slacks. What crazy plans have you formulated before the New Year to make yourself healthy and beach-ready? Share them with me and make me feel slightly better about myself.

(Richard Retyi is a streaky contributor to AnnArbor.com when he’s not thinking about how to look better at theme parties. He lacks the willpower to maintain a healthy lifestyle throughout the year, so please forgive him for flailing about at times. Please share your stories with him at richretyi@gmail.com and he’ll be sure to share your pain with the world.)