I had it all planned. I would get up early, dress in my Sunday best, and hit as many free-birthday item spots in Ann Arbor as I could cram in. It may sound a bit dodgy, but the deals are plainly offered on ArborWiki for all to take advantage—and as an (ex)friend of mine joked, I might as well get a jump on my senior discounts.

I had a list: extensive, comprehensive, chronologically ordered. I was gonna run this game like a Swiss watch.

I rolled out of bed from the previous night’s festivities well beyond 11 a.m. and well beyond hungover. The combination of red wine, hard partying and homemade marshmallow frosting—all wonderful ideas at the time—were playing the devil with my 29-year-old self. I was looking forward to my complimentary breakfast at Northside Grill; I’d never been there before, but a free plate of pancakes on a hungover stomach seemed to sell itself. Alas, my boyfriend and I only made it to the parking lot before I had to speed home again.

A few rounds of water, plain crackers and ibuprofen later, I was ready to hit the town. Half the day was shot, but dinner reservations weren’t for three more hours—plenty of time to recoup what I’d lost. First stop: Zingerman’s Bakehouse, for a free dozen bagels. Sadly, the oven had had a misfire and most of the bagels had been discounted, and were now gone. However, the nice man gave us a free bag of bagel slices, which we aimed to pair with delicious aged gouda once my stomach was back on its feet. Success! On to the Creamery!

Now, I love the Zingerman’s family of businesses. My love affair has been well-documented, and my status as super-barista at a competitive business is constantly wracked by the fact that I cheat on them, often and openly, with the big Z. But my love reached its zenith with the arrival of the chocolate balsamic strawberry gelato. It’s only available in February, and is the only positive thing about a birthday in the cruelest, coldest month. The free birthday size is about twice what you would get in an “a la mode” size at the deli—a $5 value, with several hundred dollars worth of deliciousness. It’s like eating cold, chocolate frosting, with the sexiest strawberries ever harvested swirled in. I was hesitant to share with my wonderful boyfriend, who not only chauffeured me all day, but also took care of me while inebriated. I’m also lactose intolerant, and generally don’t like gelato. People, get ye some. You’ll be telling your grandchildren about it.

Him: "Get a room." Me: (gives him a bite) Him: "Give me that."

After we’d washed up, it was on to dinner. After much deliberation over the choices of free meals, I made reservations at Gratzi. It was a close run between Gratzi, Palio and Weber’s restaurant, but in the end, Gratzi won out for ambience, superlative minestrone and oriechette pasta with Italian sausage and red pepper. I took the birthday cannoli home, opting instead to pick up my free scoop of Ben & Jerry’s raspberry frozen yogurt on the way home.

The next morning, I set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. A birthday, I rationalize, is 24 hours. And I had spent the first twelve of mine asleep, drunk, or being violently ill. Also, I was old. Would it be too much to ask for those free Zingerman’s bagels? A few flipped out onion bagels, some parmesan and pepper, as recompense for my unfortunate entanglement with a bottle of red and a lack of proper limits? Might I not extend my day of celebration until, say 1 p.m.?

Luckily, Zingerman’s Bakehouse saw it my way.

So did their newly-opened coffee shop, where I got a free soy café au lait with their delicious Sumatran coffee, which smells strangely and wonderfully like strawberry jam. A large free coffee. On my way to work at a coffee shop. I am so, so fired.

That afternoon, on the off-chance that other vendors might be similarly accommodating, I stopped by Cake Nouveau. I was informed that yes, I did get a free cupcake, and would I like the last red velvet one? Why yes. Yes, I would. I could see why they had sold out - it was wonderful, the buttercream tinged with just the right amount of cream cheese (and sprinkles, naturally). The lovely woman then informed me that if I stopped by next door, I’d get a free cup of tea.

Now I start to feel guilty. It’s not my birthday, not really. My birthday was yesterday, and I spent it ill and full of regret, and that’s nobody’s fault but my own. But… the tea would be free, and I found a spot at a meter with money still left on it right in from of the store, so parking was free—and that can’t be a coincidence, right? The universe wants me to have free tea. That’s all. And you don’t mess with the universe. So I took my little Chinese box o’red velvet into the Tea Haus.

I’d never been in the Tea Haus before, so a very tall man by the name of Andrew helped me narrow down the choices—over 200 on hand—and offered me any size I would like. As I waited for my cup of Russian Samovar to brew, he, Lisa (the proprietor, as it turned out) and I chatted about tea, birthdays, free goodies, and the horrible winter (great, good, awesome, and poopy, respectively). I told them I was making a list of 30 Things to Do Before Turning 30 (another post entirely), and now had to add “try 30 different teas.” They wholeheartedly agreed. I said goodbye and trooped home with my goodies - full for a week, at least.

Also, "tea" and "free" rhyme. COINCIDENCE?

Luckily, I have all month to redeem that Starbucks coupon.

Sarah Smallwood is a freelance writer and well-meaning barista who loves her job (please don't fire me) living and working in Ann Arbor. She is currently rewriting her first novel, keeps a daily blog at The Other Shoe and hosts a podcast at Stuff with Things. She can be reached at heybeedoo at gmail dot com.