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Posted on Mon, Nov 9, 2009 : 11:10 a.m.

Shooting stuff at the Mill Creek Sport Center

By Richard Retyi

Ian Fleming novels, the inevitable zombie apocalypse and opening day of deer season (November 15) made it crazy for me NOT to be at the shooting range last week. My experience with guns is limited. I’ve fired a number of air rifles and once shot a small caliber handgun while vacationing in Vermont.

To my credit, I am good at video games where you shoot things (that stupid dog hardly ever laughed at me in Duck Hunt) and I have two incidents of firearms related murder on my resume (more on that later) but I am unprepared to be a 007, defend my loved ones from the undead or provide them with tasty deer sausage.

“But it’s impossible to kill a deer with a .40 caliber handgun,” you just yelled right after you Asked Jeeves “Did Rich Retyi really commit murder?” and to you I say, maybe not, but you sure as hell can kill hogzillas. Eleven year-old Jamison Stone bagged a 9-foot-4, 1,051 pound hogzilla in the backwoods of Alabama with a .50 caliber handgun, chasing the animal through the hills for three hours and squeezing off eight shots before it finally fell.

“I was a little bit scared, a little bit excited”, the sixth grade honor student at Christian Heritage Academy told a local newspaper. Trees were cut down and a backhoe brought in to remove the jagnormous pig. They made sausage out of its meat and mounted the giant head at Jerry’s Taxidermy. If an eleven year-old can kill a thousand pound pig with a handgun, I can kill a deer or a small moose or a leprechaun or the world’s most dangerous game, monkeys with their own handguns (but limited training).

*************************************************************************************************************** FIREARM MURDER STORY #1 I was around the age of young Jamison Stone on summer vacation at my family’s cottage on a small island in Quebec. I know that makes me sound like a viscount, but it’s really not that big a deal. The scourge of the island are red squirrels (Sciurus vulgaris), which chew on the cottage roof causing thousands of Canadian dollars worth of damage. One day Rambo, the family cat, cornered a red squirrel under the cottage and my family turned to me for the solution. My mother handed me an old pump-action air rifle and took a step back while I aimed, Rambo covering my six. I fired (hit) and then pumped the rifle five or six times to build up the air pressure necessary for lethality and fired again (hit). The Sciurus vulgaris thrashed around but was clearly still alive. It was then that my mother informed me that the air rifle was broken and someone had been meaning to fix it. With the poor animal in pain, I grabbed a poker from the fire pit nearby and finished the job. Even Rambo cringed. I threw the carcass into the lake where a seagull swooped down and carried off the evidence. No one ever believes the seagull part of the story but I am one hundred percent serious. ***************************************************************************************************************

The closest firing range to my home in downtown Ann Arbor is the Mill Creek Sport Center in Dexter (8180 Main Street) which features handgun rentals and an indoor range. I decided to bring my girlfriend Rachel along because I like her a lot. She also spends a good deal of time watching medical documentaries and takes good care of me when I get sick so I’m guessing she’d be helpful if I shot myself in the thigh. A nice gentleman named Ray greeted us at Mill Creek and answered my firearms related questions before leading us to a six foot tall safe full of hand guns. We decided to start on the more manageable end of the spectrum with a .22 caliber revolver, eventually working up to the scary .40 caliber hand cannon with twice the kick and thrice the intimidation. Ray taught us how to load and unload the weapon and went through all the safety precautions before leading us to the range. We selected targets, donned ear and eye protection, clipped a target to the electric clothesline and whirred it thirty feet down-range.

I went first, loading bullets carefully into each chamber of the revolver and clicking the cylinder home. I didn’t do anything clever or mug for the camera (did I mention we shot video of this jamboree?). I just cocked the hammer with my thumb and fired. It wasn’t so bad. I fired all seven shots until I heard the weak click of an empty chamber signaling the weapon was spent. I unloaded the used copper, brought the target back to the stall with the flip of a switch and surveyed the damage. I managed a few fatal hits but most of my stray fire drifted right. Rachel went next, reloading, taking aim and emptying the weapon into her target. Her accuracy was comparable to mine. We each took another turn with the .22 before returning to the store to trade for the mean-looking .40 and a giant box of bullets.

*************************************************************************************************************** FIREARM MURDER STORY #2 Red squirrels make a very distinct sound when they’re in the trees plotting to destroy your cottages, making them much easier to track. There is a lot of downtime during red squirrel patrols and one day while doing my part on the island, I took a break near the lake and spotted a lonely seagull bobbing on the waves fifty yards away. Seagulls do not destroy cottage roofs and I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to kill them, but it’s perfectly okay to scare them, which is what I intended to do when I took aim at this big bird and squeezed off a shot. I aimed way high, I swear I did. I blame killer instincts and Nintendo for my direct hit on the poor guy. I knew it was dead when its head slumped and it didn’t move for five minutes. Like any shameful crime, my first thought was to hide the evidence, so I swam out to the seagull and dragged it back to shore. It was most certainly dead. I threw it into the bushes and when I returned the next day it was gone. ***************************************************************************************************************

The .40 caliber handgun convinced me I never want to have a gun in the house. Zombies could be climbing through my bathroom window swinging rabid raccoons by the tail and I’d still rather have a frying pan. Loading the gun was nerve-wracking, firing it was nerve-wracking and my accuracy was for crap. Rachel stepped up and blasted away, proving more accurate than me with the higher caliber weapon. We took a few more turns before our giant box of bullets was empty and the novelty of a deadly metal thing jumping in our hands wore off.

Later that night while buying cat food and paper towels, I confessed to Rachel how nervous I had been handling the .40 and how disheartened I was that she was more accurate with the big gun. I shot a seagull at fifty yards! I’ve killed thousands of zombies on my Xbox! The biggest thing she’s ever killed was a worm, and she stepped on it by accident. Rachel was pleased with her performance and left the Mill Creek Sport Center confident that she’d survive if she ever found herself facing a stationary attacker at close range while in possession of a loaded handgun. Everyone should try shooting at least once, even if just to realize how incredibly scary guns can be. At worst, I left the gun range able to load two types of weapons and fire them in a controlled setting. At best, I can hit a target and save my loved ones from the likes of hogzilla. But if the zombies do rise up, I’ll give Rachel the gun and stick to using a cricket bat.

Rich Retyi will probably never shoot a handgun again. Contact him at richretyi@gmail.com for a director's cut of the two stories written above. They are a lot more entertaining when told in person with hand gestures.

Comments

Richard Retyi

Sun, Nov 22, 2009 : 7:40 p.m.

A healthy dose of caution bordering on fear is good around something that could blow a hole in me or my delightful shooting-mate. I felt similar to the way I do when I'm way up high with just a railing protecting me from a multi-story plunge. It's unlikely that I'll trip or lose my balance and fall over, but I have a little fear nontheless. Also, you referenced high energy objects, and I am DEFINITELY afraid of those - like Joel Osteen or eager freelance magicians in restaurants.

j5

Sun, Nov 22, 2009 : 1:39 p.m.

"You shouldn't own a gun if you're not scared of guns." Are you scared of your kitchen knives or your cars? Scared is not the correct emotion around anything that requires cautious handling. Fearful people make stupid decisions. Respect and care are what is required to handle a firearm much less any other sharp, reactive or high energy object.

Wolverine3660

Tue, Nov 10, 2009 : 11:19 p.m.

Richard- My apologies, I got the gentleman's name wrong. It is Calvin and not Clarence. Please ask for him when you decide to go to Rider's Hobby Shop.

Wolverine3660

Tue, Nov 10, 2009 : 7:29 p.m.

Richard- f you plan a visit, call ahead and make sure one of their employees named Clarence( I think) is there. He is a middle aged African-American gentleman, who is real good at introducing newbies to radio-controlled helicopter flying.

Richard Retyi

Tue, Nov 10, 2009 : 4:09 p.m.

Thanks for the ideas, Wolverine3660. I used to be quite the archery ace back in my summer camp days but I've never piloted a remote controlled anything before.

Wolverine3660

Tue, Nov 10, 2009 : 9:28 a.m.

Archery for lovers is a great suggestion. You ought to try it out,Richard. The other thing you ought to try is to fly radio controlled helicopters. Go to Riders Hobby Shop on Carpenter,and try it. It is a fascinating experience.

zags

Mon, Nov 9, 2009 : 6:54 p.m.

sounds like a pretty cool date night. Maybe archery for lovers, next?

theodynus

Mon, Nov 9, 2009 : 2:26 p.m.

You shouldn't own a gun if you're not scared of guns.

grimdaddy1

Mon, Nov 9, 2009 : 2:24 p.m.

guns don't kill people people with guns kill people

Richard Retyi

Mon, Nov 9, 2009 : 2:24 p.m.

I'm afraid of raccoons too, if that puts the story into better perspective.

Wolverine3660

Mon, Nov 9, 2009 : 1:22 p.m.

Interesting article, but, I have a hard time understanding why some people suffer from an irrational fear of firearms.