You never write, you never call!
Dear Kerry, My son went to college this fall and he hasn’t been keeping in touch very much. My neighbor’s kid also went off to school and she calls him daily on the cell phone. That feels like too much, but I miss my son and worry about him. How can I find a middle ground that respects his independence but gives me a window into how he’s doing? FM, Plymouth
Dear FM, This is a familiar dilemma - parents are proud of their kids making it into college and moving forward, but it’s hard to be sure kids can cope with all the challenges they are facing. And it’s frustrating when they don’t share what’s going on.
Many young people and their parents deal with this by setting up an angry goodbye - if you’re aggravated, you’ll be glad to see the back of each other. Then no one has to miss anyone or feel uncertain about all the new things there are to face, whether it’s college or the empty nest.
That may work short-term, but it’s not a good basis for a strong, ongoing relationship for the rest of your lives. Parents and teenagers are challenged to find a way to be grownups together in the context of the transition from adolescence into adulthood.
Your neighbor is dealing with this by going to the other extreme, turning into a helicopter parent. She isn’t giving her son any space to have a private experience and enjoy his new time for being in charge of himself. But it won’t help your son develop true independence if he feels abandoned. True independence is built on knowing how to make secure connections with other people. Your goal with your son isn’t just to separate. Instead you are looking to transform your adult-child relationship to one between adults.
Remember when he was two? You probably sat on the bench at the playground and watched as he walked away, then looked back at you. Every few weeks, he walked a little bit further before checking back. He knew you were there as he explored his growing independent capacities. College isn’t so different. He needs to know that his family and his home base is still there.
So don’t turn his old room into a den or guest room or redecorate the whole house. And don’t assume, just because he doesn’t ask, that he’s lost interest in home or the neighborhood. It helps maintain your connection when you can find a non-intrusive way to keep the news flowing.
Modern technology really helps. Calling his cell may interrupt him or be awkward. But email has a great advantage, since it doesn’t put him on the spot. Even if he doesn’t answer, you can send a few lines a couple of times a week, about something funny the dog did, or seeing his old math teacher at the store. That will remind your son that you are thinking of him and that things at home are still pretty much the same.
You won’t be cramping his style if you insist on a call home at least once a week. Underneath he will probably welcome the demand and you can use the skills you developed while he was in high school to ask questions that can’t be answered with only ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Mutual sharing, with each of you talking about what you are doing, something interesting you read, or a new activity, lays the groundwork for a transformed relationship.
It will take a while and the process won’t be complete for some years, but you can use your son’s time in college to start transforming your relationship so that you can be just as close at the new level.
Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and is a founder of Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through