One of the more common passages of Scripture you’ll hear cited on the divorce-recovery circuit is from Genesis 50:20:

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

The historical context of this is the story of Joseph (think Andrew Lloyd Webber and "Technicolor Dreamcoat" if you must). Jealous brothers sell Joseph into slavery, Joseph rises to power, then from this position of authority saves them and others from starvation.

Trouble with applying this to divorce is nailing down that you-reference. The juxtaposition to God makes it clear we’re not talking about Him — as if that was really ever a question. It also can’t be the person speaking, since “you” is a second-person pronoun.

So, with whom does that leave us?

Don’t answer that. Any time we look outside of ourselves as part of any credible divorce-recovery process, we’re headed for a trap. It makes us into victims. We throw away what little control we may actually have left as our marriages disintegrate.

Besides, let’s not kid ourselves. We all know those who embrace the “you” do so because it so pointedly assigns culpability to their former mates.

That’s the ultimate in powerlessness.

Uncomfortable as it may initially feel, then, I recommend trying that “you” on yourself. (As an aside, do remind any ostensibly helpful soul or authority from “the system” who makes the slightest push to impose such a label upon you that their you-pushing does nothing but undermine your prospects for healing.)

Still, you’re not alone. Because, if we insist upon square-pegging into round holes here, Genesis 50:20 references the active hand of God.

God can, and will — if we ask Him, with the right heart (James 5:15) — use our life experiences for our personal good. Remember, though, the ultimate outcome we experience here is intimately linked to the intent with which we make our entreats (James 4:3).

Everyone falls short of the perfection that God requires for entry into His kingdom. Falls short here on earth, too, with consequences sometimes obliquely connected. It’s not always apparent to us how what we might consider relatively minor transgressions could be, in fact, a path to our much larger destruction.

The nature of my work tends to be unique among professionals who minister to those affected by all that is divorce. One aspect of this is a longer view of individuals’ overall journeys: From the earliest questions and struggles, through “the process,” to many times literally years of spiritual reassessment and rebuilding after their Judgments of Divorce have been signed and relegated to gather dust in file cabinets.

Reflecting on this, I can’t think of a case where an individual who chose to see him or herself as the “you” in Genesis 50:20 didn’t come out all the better for it.
Yes, divorce is absolutely a kick in the pants.

But don’t let that keep you from seeing how God can use it to save your life.

Dell Deaton is a Christian counselor specializing in divorce (and alternatives), available through independent professional practice since 1983. Contact on www.divorcepastor.com or by phone at (734) 668-2001 in Saline.

Local volunteer with the Boy Scouts of America. Dad, remarried, three dogs. Internationally-recognized expert on Ian Fleming and James Bond watches.

Note: Names and other identifying details are always changed for Divorce Pastor columns to respect and protect privacy.