“I told my divorce support group to pray for you,” said one spouse to the other.

“I didn’t ask you to do that,” came the immediate reaction.

“I know. That just goes to prove how much you need it.”

Listening in on the above, what sort of impression does this conversation leave you with? It’s not at all uncommon to Christian divorce recovery workshops or the offices of pastoral counselors; I hear it all the time.

Is this how Jesus wants prayer to be used?

Last Friday, Air America talk show host Rachel Maddow spoke more broadly to the issue in a way that must give pause to those of us who advocate prayer. Original context aside, I’m not citing this as a commentary on politics. I take it as an allegory on motives and impact.

“The legacy of Jerry Falwell is doing something to you right now,” Ms. Maddow began. “The Liberty Council, an organization affiliated with Liberty University, the school founded by the late Jerry Falwell … is calling on its members to pray for a liberal….

“The question is whether being prayed for should make liberals feel … comfort, or … fear in this case….

“Patronizing prayer drives are kind of an awkward, backhanded, passive-aggressive way of saying mean things about you and your spiritual constitution. So thanks, Liberty Counsel. You know, somewhere in America, someone you don’t like is praying for you, too!”

Was that their intended message? I don’t know. Even assuming absence of malice, was there any pause given to consider how their initiative might reasonably be perceived? Whether intended for pure benevolence or in judgment, this “liberal” radio talker is spot-on with what she said about those who widely promoted the fact that they were praying for a group of which she is a part, because it comes at this price of effective indifference to the total impact it has upon those for which they claim to have concern.

By way of similar illustration of this point, let’s look at a Blog I posted in the closing hours of 2004. That focused on the ninth of those often-referenced “Twelve Steps.” It told of a local therapist who’d mysteriously resurfaced after a long absence in the life of what for him was a previous client (for me, a current one). He’d asked for a meeting sans clear agenda: Once they got together, the words he then spilled out set back her divorce healing a full two years. In following through on his own rigid path to “Make direct amends” for admitted failings in his work with this woman, he’d utterly missed the cautionary clause with which Step 9 of 12 in the Alcoholics Anonymous edict closes.

“…except when to do so would injure them or others.”

My client didn’t want an apology that for her required old wounds be reopened. The spouse I quoted in the preamble to this column didn’t want the implied judgment of an unknown divorce support group. Rachel Maddow didn’t want herself counted among the liberals to be prayed for by the Liberty Counsel.

Deuteronomy 4:7 speaks to prayer as a means by which we come near to the Lord our God.

But the devil knows how to corrupt even prayer, as illustrated in Matthew 4:1-11. He most certainly does, too, when we fall prey to temptations that would have us “pray against” or “pray indifferently.”

Scripture associates words such as “supplication” and “humble” with prayer. 2 Chronicles 6:24, 7:14. Prayers are for lifting up others. Psalm 34:3 speaks to prayers that exalt the name of God. Where is evidence of that in the forgoing?

At the same time, all of this tragically misses what prayer can and should be doing for you, the person initiating the prayer.

Paul writes that he “learned to be content whatever the circumstances,” according to Philippians 4:11. Moreover, in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “give thanks in all circumstances” [emphasis added]. Are these things with which you could use some help? No doubt a challenge to those facing the prospect of divorce, feeling themselves constricted in options, suffering through process and aftermath. Believe me, I know. I’ve actually walked that path myself. I sure didn’t feel content or thankful.

Prayers that pass through grumbling lips are hardly the ideal. So I don’t encourage people to put on a happy face and fake their bended-knee, clasped-hand time with thanks for adverse circumstances for which they “should” be thankful (after all, “things could be worse”), but for which they are not in fact thankful (as no typical person would be).

Instead, look for the simplest thing for which genuine gratitude is actually felt, no matter how small. Approach God with gratefulness for that. Personally, I give thanks before meals; irrespective of any requirement that I do so, it’s a recurring opportunity for self-prompting, and I do feel thankful when I’m about to eat. So it’s adds to my ongoing dialogue with God, albeit a bit more formally. The more I’ve done this, the more intuitive it’s become. And that perpetuates a cycle of my finding further things for which I can and should thank our glorious God, from my heart.

Jesus’ brother James then provides guidance that can direct our prayer in divorce. Again speaking to the flaws with which I opened this column, another shortcoming is that pray-against (er, I mean pray-for) erstwhile spouse prayers imply a fast-food-drive-through-speaker approach to faith-based communications. They too often instruct God to fill an order, as opposed to asking Him to grace us with understanding of His will.

“Make my spouse different,” runs the risk of stepping out onto a slippery-slope if left unbridled in divorce guidance.

“I’ve warned God about you,” is too often the real intent of informing someone that we are praying for them, as The Rachel Maddow Show pointed out.

“Instead, you ought to say,” we read in James 4:15, “‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’” In other words, pray for your own discernment.

When consulting with individuals seeking a Christian discipline in their own walks through divorce, I tend to deflect any prayer requests aimed at correcting their spouses. We’re not here for that, it misses the person who’s sitting right in front of me, willingly, and it runs the risk of tempting them to report back to their spouse, creating an additional relationship game dysfunction called “triangulation.”

I refer them to Matthew 5:23-24 for a tool. Here, Jesus speaks of making personal atonement to God by offering a gift of sacrifice: Wait before you do that. First “go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” In other words, purify your motives.

Okay, so should we not pray for our spouses in divorce and former spouses thereafter? Of course not. Even in the most acrimonious of dynamics, Jesus continues the lesson above at verse 44 by saying we should, “pray for those who persecute you.” Then, in the chapter that follows, I think it’s significant that Matthew 6:1 begins with a call to be subtle if not outright silent in how and with whom we share the substance of what we do, including nice things we may do for others.

This is how we avoid having the wonderful gift of prayer become a bad thing in divorce.

As for Rachel Maddow, I also pray for her.

I give thanks that God has chosen to use her for our good in this example, for calling Christians to account. I’d hate to think of any prayer serving any purpose or impression as an “awkward, backhanded, passive-aggressive way of saying mean things about you and your spiritual constitution.” Moreover, I am offering up my prayers as someone who likes Ms. Maddow (albeit via iPod).

Amen.

Dell Deaton is a divorce pastoral counselor, independently practicing since 1983. He can be reached through www.divorcepastor.com or on (734) 668-2001 in Saline.