Story illustrates benefits of being proactive, rather than reactive, in tense situations
It's 10:30 p.m. The sun had set long ago, leaving the world shrouded in the peaceful black beauty of nighttime.
Ethel settled into her favorite chair, the one with the torn seat cushion that by all rights has a date with the local flea market. But that's for another time, Ethel thought, as she sank into the comfy striped chair while balancing her hot cup of chamomile tea and book.
Reading one of her favorite authors was a bedtime ritual Ethel had practiced for years. Ethel relaxed as the tension left her mind and body after a long day.
The jarring noise of her cellphone woke Ethel from the sleep she had drifted into after reading only a few short paragraphs. The policeman on the other end asked her to come to the station to pick up her elderly father who had wandered away from his home. She knew his Alzheimer's was progressing and that a decision needed to be made soon regarding his care.
Along with the worry for her father's safety, Ethel began to feel anger towards her siblings. Her siblings live out of state, and it was difficult to get agreement on what living arrangement was best for him.
Ethel started fuming, thinking: "I do most everything for him, so I should just decide what is best for him. This is so typical of my siblings, leaving everything to me. That does it, I am not going to my brother's son's graduation. I am sick of this.After a long hard day, I have to get dressed and go get dad. I should call them right now and give them a piece of my mind!"
Fuming and feeling her anger build to a crescendo, Ethel stomped around her living room, clutching her cell phone, her brother on speed dial.
Ethel remembered that hot showers help soothe her when she is upset. She put the phone down and took a hot shower. As the hot water ran over her body she began to relax and think about what she most wanted for her dad. Thinking about her desire for her dad and for her relationships with her siblings, she began to relax and decide the next course of action.
While driving to the police station, Ethel decided to use this incident to bring home the dire nature of her dad's living situation to her siblings. By the time Ethel had pulled into the police station parking lot, she had constructed an email in her mind that she will send to her siblings in the morning. Ethel also decided to make a list of what she needs to do for herself to relieve the stress of caring for her dad.
She walked into the police station with a more appropriate level of worry and concern, to see her confused father's sweet attempt at a smile when he saw her walk into the room where he was being held.
Being proactive, not reactive is one of my saner living tenets.
What do you do to stay out of reactivity?
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Chris Wucherer is a life coach, business coach and psychotherapist with 28 years of experience helping people create saner lives. She writes a blog and has a website. You can reach her at 734-669-7202 or by email.
Comments
BhavanaJagat
Thu, Jun 16, 2011 : 4:28 p.m.
I may have to react with a sense of disbelief. If I have my dad missing from home, I would be the first person to contact the Police and others and would not be preparing myself to relax with a cup of tea and a book in my hand. If my dad is not living with me and is found missing, the notification must come from the caregiver or agency and not from Police. If my dad instantly recognizes me and smiles at me in the Police Station, probably he is not a case of Alzheimer's and I would change the physician.
BhavanaJagat
Fri, Jun 17, 2011 : 3:47 a.m.
Thanks for that response. Sorry to note that the father is living alone with a recognized problem that is only expected to go worse with time. If I have to pick up my missing dog, I would run immediately without a shower. We need to respond to the call and plan for the future course of action. I would not be stressed by the events as narrated in this story. I would have received the call with a sense of relief and not that of anxiety. If he wandered away, and not discovered promptly,things could have been much worse. The immediate reaction would be one of joy as he was found and was at a safe place.
DBH
Thu, Jun 16, 2011 : 5:16 p.m.
I suspect you have insufficient experience with Alzheimer's patients to recognize that the scenario described above is realistic, plausible, and arises out of compassion. The story states that her father wandered away from his (not her or their) home, so that should resolve your first point of confusion. Secondly, dementia (of which Alzheimer's is one) is on a continuum and can begin as simple and occasional forgetfulness. There are these signal events (such as described in the above story) which highlights the person's deterioration in their mental status, but it can be difficult to ascertain the clear line where the person remains safely self sufficient, and not. Finally, most patients with early to mid stage Alzheimer's disease are able to easily recognize close family members, particularly (as implied in this story) those whom they see often. Their long-term memories remain intact the longest (vs. short-term) so recognition of family members is often preserved until the late stages of the disease.
Gordon
Thu, Jun 16, 2011 : 1:55 p.m.
Interesting and one would have expected by now to see many comments. It doesn't make any difference (as long as don't harm others) what we do to over ride the self interest that's part of our survival methods as humans; but as a thinking animal we have to learn a coping method. Me? I tell my best friend (my wife) who proceeds to tell me that which I dont want to hear and more often then not she is right. What's better we do that for each other and frequently that provides an opportunity for us to laugh at ourselves rather then continue on with the first emotional response. The usual delimina: the top of the brain vs the bottom of the brain. Emotions vs rational. 'Tis a tough World we live in.