An unsupervised party of teenagers can quickly get out of control
It all starts innocently enough. Mom and dad decide the teenagers are old enough to be left home alone. They're both responsible and all around good kids - so why shouldn’t mom and dad get away for a weekend trip?
It sounds good in theory. After all, in a few short years, they'll be in college and out in the cruel world by themselves. They can certainly be trusted at home alone for a night or two.
So the trip is planned, and everything is set. Mom and dad leave their teenagers several frozen dinners in the freezer and a few greenbacks for pizzas. Instructions are left to feed the pets, mom and dad’s cell phone and hotel information are written down, and the children can either have no one over at the house or just their best friend.
The teenagers are excited because they're finally being treated like adults - and it's about time. It will be a great adventure having the whole house to themselves for the weekend. They brag to their best friends about the upcoming adventure.
That's the approximate time trouble begins.
The well-meaning best friend tells two members of the opposite sex about the parent-less household and invites them over. Now the cataclysmic chain of events accelerates with the approximate speed of nuclear fission. The two members of the opposite sex invite several of their friends. Friends tell other friends where the “party” will be - and now many people are coming.
Those parent-less teenagers are first faced with the best friend who tells them about the members of the opposite sex who have been invited. So far, the small group is manageable, but as the car loads of people arrive and start walking into the house, things get out of control in a hurry.
Those teenagers are just kids and aren't equipped to tell all their arriving “friends” they can’t come in. They won't call the police or adults for help because they don’t want to be that uncool, unfly or incredibly nerdy.
The party will develop and grow. In the meantime, every room will be explored by the burgeoning crowd. Every intoxicating substance in the house will be consumed. The light-fingered “friends of friends” who probably couldn’t recognize the “host” of the “party” on a bet will help themselves to anything that isn’t bolted down or easily concealed within their clothing.
The party will end when a good neighbor notices it, realizes the problem and calls the police. Officers will arrive, and those parent-less teenagers will come out to meet the officers and ask for help. They'll be scared of being in trouble with the police, but they'll be much more terrified of what mom and dad will do when they see the house torn apart.
Police will empty the house of revelers. Tickets for minor in possession (MIPs) of alcohol, marijuana or youth tobacco may be issued. Parents of youths will probably have to be called to respond to the scene.
Inevitably, the mom and dad of the “host” will be called, and their little getaway will be ruined. Mom and dad will be blamed by the other parents and perhaps labeled as “bad parents.” In the worst possible scenario, if someone were to get hurt, mom and dad could be civilly liable.
It doesn't have to be this way. Parents: don't leave your teenagers unsupervised in the home for a weekend. If you feel the need to give your children some “independence and responsibility,” let them have the house to “themselves” - but only with adult supervision. The adult supervision should be a responsible adult member of the family (uncle, aunt, grandma, grandpa or responsible older cousins) or close friend of a parent who would stay over in the house.
If mom and dad have a good relationship with a neighbor and they really trust the kids, the neighbor might be able to monitor the home and report directly to the parents of any suspicious activity. The neighbor must be willing to “drop in” and check on the teenagers at any hour - or at least the kids have to believe they might.
The best possible solution is try to convince the kids to go with you on vacation. Children are only at a parent’s home for the blink of an eye. So any family vacation you can convince teenagers to take with you will be memorable for all.
When you leave your home, remember to: Lock it up, don’t leave it (looking) unattended, be aware (that burglars look for unoccupied homes to break into) and have your neighbors watch out for you.
Comments
Anonymous Due to Bigotry
Sun, May 30, 2010 : 3:02 p.m.
Many people have heard of or seen that "My kid can beat up your honor student". Well, we probably need another one that says "Your honor student is drinking, partying, and having sex with my college student" or something. That's what my little glasses-wearing cousin was doing when she was 16 and my aunt and uncle were totally incapable of considering that as a possibility for their sweet little snowflake.
annarborgirl77
Sat, May 29, 2010 : 7:24 a.m.
@Anonymous Due to Bigotry you are so correct! Mr. Kinsey is spot on! I used to think "my kids would never"...what a joke! My kids would and listen up all of you who think you have raised perfect kids, THEY WOULD TOO! I can't help but laugh at some people who sit there thinking that their teens aren't the ones making these choices...I was a "good" kid, with "good" parents and I enjoyed these out of control parties back in the 70s. As a parent, I often heard about the "good" kids at parties who were the most out of control from my own teens...and later listening the their parents brag about how their kids didn't attend the parties or refrained from drinking and sex. If they only knew! Get a clue! Rich Kinsey is right. It's just a shame that some of you live in glass houses. Be prepared for the choices your children will make--they won't all be good choices. They are a part of growing up. Hopefully, they'll learn from poor choices and the mistakes they made like many of us did. Thanks Rich, again, for telling it like it is...even though some people don't want to hear it. They can stick their necks back into the sand. Your articles are great and I appreciate every one of them.
Lokalisierung
Fri, May 28, 2010 : 11:30 a.m.
"Parents need to get a clue. Your little snowflake is drinking alcohol and having sex, especially in this overly permissive town." Well put. I wonder what my parents would have said about me back then? Probably much of the same. Staying out of trouble, would never touch alcohol...etc. What a joke. Or maybe they knew, and it wasn't so much of a big deal if a kid goes out and has a little high school sex and drinking....keep doing well in school, have jobs and other responsibilities, they turn out fine.
Woman in Ypsilanti
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 8:50 p.m.
@Sally You sound like a great mom :)
Sally
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 6:17 p.m.
My daughter graduated from Community High in 1992. When her counselor found out that we'd never left her home for even a weekend he said she was more overprotected than any other teen he knew. But WE knew she'd take off in her car, leaving both the refrigerator and front door open--totally oblivious. So we used to hire a 30-something young woman to come in and stay with our golden retriever. When our daughter didn't go with us on a weekend, the same young woman served as a "touch stone" for our daughter (should she need one) and a house supervisor against all sorts of mayhem. It worked well. My daughter never used to have a curfew, either. My guideline was that she needed to either call to check in--or appear at home--whenever she knew I was worried about her. That worked well too, because she wasn't willing to deny that she always knew when I was worried.
Anonymous Due to Bigotry
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 4:26 p.m.
In other news, the sun rises in the morning, people breathe oxygen, and fish live in the sea. A recent study has shown that parents always seem to think that all the other kids are having sex like wild animals and drinking themselves unconscious, but not MY kids! No, MY kids would NEVER do that! Parents need to get a clue. Your little snowflake is drinking alcohol and having sex, especially in this overly permissive town.
theodynus
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 2:58 p.m.
Kinsey doesn't get called when kids are left alone and fail to cause trouble. He's seeing a very, very biased slice of what goes on in the real world. He doesn't seem to realize that. If you take his word for it, everyone who who drinks a beer gets in a fight or car crash, most heroin users are thieves and everyone who leaves their door unlocked is immediately robbed.
actionjackson
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 1:52 p.m.
ordmad just admit that you are wrong on this one. Mr. Kinsey is spot on with this and most of his writings. Your few years with a few kids doesn't compare with the years he spent on the streets. Sounds like some of those kids you deal with have your number and know it.
Jake C
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 1:43 p.m.
Oh man, I just noticed the closing paragraph of the article: "The best possible solution is try to convince the kids to go with you on vacation." LOL... what? Since when does a parent need to "convince" their teenage child to come along with them on a family vacation? The only exceptions I can imagine would be for conflicts with the child's school, work, sports, or extracurricular activities, in which case the parents should probably reschedule their *family* vacation to a different date. And believe it or not, sometimes parents want to take vacations *without their kids* on purpose!
Jake C
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 1:28 p.m.
"kids are smoking a lot of pot, having more sexual partners at younger ages, not counting oral as sex [etc etc]..." Do teens smoke, drink, take drugs, have sex, and get pregnant? Sure. But most of these statistics are down when compared to previous generations. I won't even address the silly "colored wristband" rumor. This whole article probably could have been summarized by saying "Allow your children to earn your trust, and give them your trust when warranted. But make them responsible for their actions and don't leave them 100% unsupervised for days on end." I had friends in high school whose parents left them home alone for repeated weekends and they did nothing more than watch some movies, play video games, and order some pizza with a few friends. I also know people (often the "Good Kids") who hung out in their basements with their parents upstairs and got into some of the most delinquent behavior you could think of. Don't confuse "adult proximity" with "responsible supervision".
Woman in Ypsilanti
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 1:25 p.m.
A nice way, by the way, to see if your teen is able to handle having a party is to allow them to have the party but then take a "hands off" approach unless things get out of hand. Learning what to do with party crashers and guests who cause trouble is a good skill to have. I still remember a party like that I had as a teenager. There were some incidents and while my parents gave me advice, they insisted that I handle things. Mostly I had to kick out some party crashers who were picking fights (I followed my parent's advice and calmly asked them to leave and threatened to call the police if they didn't and they left.) Sometime during the night, some invited guests snuck up into my bedroom and got really drunk on booze that they brought with them. One of them puked on my bed. I still remember my dad standing in my room, looking down at my bed full of puke and saying after a you-made-your-bed-now-you-have-to-lie-in-it joke, "I hope that you consider your guest list better next time" It was a valuable life lesson. Later on when I was trusted to be home alone, I had a lot of party management skills and was able to handle it just fine. I didn't invite the sorts of people who caused trouble at other people's parties. I introduced myself to anyone who crashed the party and generally didn't tolerate any bad behavior.
ordmad
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 1:08 p.m.
to fjord: i don't have kids (yet). i have, however, worked with young adults for more than a decade. some you can trust. some you can't. just like heroin addicts, alcoholics, etc....
trs80
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 12:58 p.m.
Your kids wouldn't be such punks if you did your job at parenting. I as a teen was left home alone many a times. Did I ever have huge parties? No. Why you might ask? Because if my Dad was to find out I betrayed his trust then my life would of been over. Try teaching your children right and wrong before you drown in the kool-aid.
Atticus F.
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 12:17 p.m.
@ movie guy, this is not a new phenomenon. This was going on 20 years ago when I was in high school. I remember kids almost dying of alcohol poisoning, electronics being stolen, and also more frieghtening, guns being stolen from homes. I remebmer one sad incedent, where a child was shot in the head and killed by a gun that was stolen at a party. Very serious stuff parents.
ordmad
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 12:12 p.m.
To goblue041 who said this "Doubters need to realize that he is not saying this happens all the time, only that you should be aware that things can spiral out of control through no fault of your child." Please, read the article, its exactly what he is saying. Just like last week where he said heroin makes people either home invaders or prostitutes (turns out the alleged perpetrators were neither). Its Mr. Kinsey's constant broad sweeping generalizations that are totally divorced from the facts that are problematic. His laudable years as a police officer has no doubt left him with a cynical view of the world. Fair enough. But he's got a responsibility to readers to be a little more self-reflective about his likely biases and do his best to paint a more accurate picture of the world around which he asserts his opinions.
CountyKate
Thu, May 27, 2010 : noon
When my son was a teen, I dropped him off at a party taking place at a motel. I met the parents, who said they were springing for the adjoining motel rooms because they were remodelling at home. When I went back to pick up my son three hours later, the motel rooms were dark and some of the kids, including my son, were wandering around drunk. The parents had provided the booze, then left the kids alone. Needless to say, the motel rooms were thoroughly trashed. So, bad decisions don't reside only with teens. Some parents don't show the judgment God gave a goose, either. That night, I called the police and let them deal with the many teens who were trying to drive drunk, or merely wandering around in the snow totally soused. But, for me, it's those parents who deserve punishment.
DagnyJ
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 11:52 a.m.
Maybe my kid can handle it. Maybe not. But what about all the kids who find out about the unsupervised house and show up to party? That does happen. I know of people it happened to. Kinsey is right on this one.
Bear
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 11:45 a.m.
I really find this article to be prejudiced and one-sided and making a lot of assumptions in the scenario that the author paints. Makes a nice story, but is essentially a fabrication.
Woman in Ypsilanti
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 10:55 a.m.
Some teenagers can handle the responsibility and some can't. Obviously the police end up dealing with those who can't. That doesn't mean it is wrong to leave teenagers home alone for weekend. It depends on the teen.
bunnyabbot
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 10:40 a.m.
@B.Jean "Experts on child development will tell you teenagers brains are not fully developed and they are prone to bad decisions. -widely known as no frontal lobe
B. Jean
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 10:29 a.m.
Not only is Mr. Kinsey a law enforcement expert, he is a parent, and I would imagine a pretty good one. He is dead right on this one. Good kids make bad choices, it happens, especially when good parents make the mistake of putting teenagers in the position of pretending to be adults and in control. While in high school, my younger brother had a party when my parents were out of town. It got so out of control windows were broken and the house was basically trashed. I happened stop by during the mayhem and when he asked me what he should do I told him to call the police. "On my own party?" he asked. Exactly, I said and left. As I knew he would, he then did the responsible thing and made the call. He was gratefull to see the officers come to his aid and treated them with respect. He never told his friends HE made the call, but later thanked me profusely. Experts on child development will tell you teenagers brains are not fully developed and they are prone to bad decisions. I dont believe it is a good idea to put this widely accepted theory to a test in a high risk environment.
goblue041
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 10:14 a.m.
I used to work with Rich and can attest to this scenario happening quite often. Doubters need to realize that he is not saying this happens all the time, only that you should be aware that things can spiral out of control through no fault of your child. Only you know your child well enough to know how to put controls on them when temptation can strike. Take from Rich what you can and also know that he is an entertaining writer and speaker and some things are meant in that vein.
hail2thevict0r
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 9:43 a.m.
I didn't know of a single case of this happening when I went to high school (00-04). This seems more like a overdone movie plot than an actual scenario. Teenagers are mean, and most that I knew back then wouldn't have a problem telling kids to get lost. Either Rich has been watching too many teen movies like American Pie - or - he just simply has been out of school too long and believes anything anyone tells him.
treetowncartel
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 9:20 a.m.
Been there, done that. Mr. kinsey is spot on in this article, now i wonder if he ever broke up any of the parties I went to in the 80's.
tracyann
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 9:13 a.m.
This exact same scenario actually happened to a couple of people I went to high school with, so yeah, it does happen. One girl was left alone, invited a couple of friends, word got around, and pretty soon she had a bunch of people in her house, some of whom she didn't know. Someone stole some of her mom's jewelry and a couple of the kids thought it would be fun to go downstairs, drink her dad's liquor then proceed to smash up a few pieces that were the result of his carpentry hobby.
C6
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 8:57 a.m.
Sounds to me like someone bought an old copy of "Risky Business" at the Hollywood Video clearance sale before getting an idea for his latest exercise in writing. You forgot the part about dunking the Porsche though... Don't worry, he grows up to be a distinguished, although still a bit irresponsible, Navy fighter pilot. See if you can't pick up a copy of "Top Gun" too...
ChelseaBob
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 8:39 a.m.
Mr. Kinsey is dead on right on this. I have grown children and grandchildren. Our daughter was a goody two shoes, so we left her one weekend with a friend. At 11:00 on friday night she called me at the hotel scared to death because there were two car loads of boys at the door wanting to come in. I told her to inform them that the police were on their way, hung up and called the sheriff's department. My daughter and her friend both claimed they told no one, but obviously the word got around. Nothing good can happen from leaving teenagers alone. Maybe nothing bad will happen, but why take the chance?
Movie Guy
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 8:18 a.m.
Don't parents know their kids anymore? Don't they teach them important lessons such as decision making and the fact that their actions can have consequences? Parents should know whether their teens are trustworthy and reliable based upon spending X-teen years with them. Instilled values to stand up to peer pressure. Established courage and strength within their kids to stand up to such challenges as posted above by Mr. Kinsey. Otherwise... what have you been doing with them all this time? Also, using the term "unfly" is incredibly nerdy.
ordmad
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 7:35 a.m.
Column after column, Mr. Kinsey paints the worst possible picture of the world without even considering that the it might be different from the way he sees it. Teenagers are left alone all the time without the consequences he says will naturally follow, and all (or even most) people who break into others' homes are not addicted to heroin. His vision is no doubt skewed because of his many honorable years as an officer dealing with problems that arise when people are at their worst. Still, myopia paints the world that we see in this column week after week, and life in that world is surely over-burdened by fear and distrust. Its a sad thing to live one's life this way. Just say no.
yohan
Thu, May 27, 2010 : 5:21 a.m.
Certainly you're not talking about all the "special" kids in Ann Arbor