Ask Dr. Mike - relationships, transmissions and a high-pitched 'yee, hee'
Dr. Mike is an advice columnist whose main qualification for dispensing life-changing wisdom is his Ph.D. in Soap Opera Appreciation from the University of Tim Online (all major credit cards accepted).
Here is what fell out of this week's mail bag:
Dear Dr. Mike,
Why, I ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.
I don't know what to do about my marriage. My husband came home last night and seemed very preoccupied. When I tried to cheer him up by suggesting that we go out to dinner at his favorite restaurant, Casey's, he just shrugged and grabbed the car keys.
He barely spoke through dinner, and when I asked him what was wrong, he just said, "Nothing." He had a beer before dinner, and another one after meal arrived. On the way home I tried everything I could think of to cheer him up, but it was as if he was on another planet. If he answered me at all, it was only to grunt, "yes" or "no."
When we got home, he just opened another beer and sat down to watch the hockey game. I went to bed alone and cried myself to sleep.
Dr. Mike, I'm worried. It's as if he doesn't even know I'm alive any more. I read an article in a women's magazine not too long ago, all about sure signs that you've lost your man. It could have been written about us last night. The only thing he hasn't done yet is buy me a box of "guilt chocolates."
So what do I do? Is my husband in love with someone else? Have I lost him forever?
Signed with my tears,
My Life Is Over in Ann ArboDear Over,
Beats me. Somebody sent me a copy of that article, and it does seem like beer and grunting might have been in there somewhere. Bummer.
So anyway, best of luck!
Dear Dr. Mike,
Your arm, ripping it off, whatever.
I'm kind of worried. Driving home yesterday the truck started making a high-pitched whine that sounded like it might be coming from the differential. On the up-side, I found out that Casey's has my favorite beer on tap, and the Wings won.
So what do you think, am I going to be on the hook for a new transmission?
Signed,
I'd Rather Buy A Boat in Ann Arbor
Dear Rather,
Maybe, although it might be a torque converter or something as simple as the pressure control solenoid valve.
Also, and this is just a hunch, you might want to avoid buying your wife any candy.
Dear Dr. Mike,
I came home the other night and found my teenage son and some of his friends playing a Michael Jackson dance game on the Wii. I was amazed to see my son, who has always hated to dance, executing moonwalks and crotch grabs along with an animated King of Pop. And I had to admit, he was pretty good at it.
So, should I be concerned?
Signed,
Not Really Up For Arm Ripping or Bloody Stump Beating
Dear Not Really Up For Arm Ripping, etc.,
First off, thanks for that.
As for your son, I wouldn't worry too much. This is just a video game, and dancing is good exercise. It might even be considered a good thing for your son. Unless, of course, he starts setting up sleepovers with Cub Scout troops.
So that's it for another Dr. Mike. If you would like to get advice on your most important personal problems from a guy who writes jokes for a living, just send an email to DrMike@wilsf.com. The odds are pretty good that what he has to say won't completely destroy your life.
Mike Ball is the Erma Bombeck Award-winning author of "What I've Learned So Far..." and the book What I've Learned So Far... Part I: Bikes, Docks & Slush Nuggets.